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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Morally wrong to set up a fake profile ?

40 replies

DoraTheExplorer3 · 06/03/2019 19:17

Totally ready to get flamed for this.

I have a friend who is a single mother, always getting into horribly abusive relationships. 3 abusive relations after the other and that’s aside from dating all those horrible men .. affected her kids and her so badly but she always managed to flee with her kids from pretty bad conditions.

Her problem is that she is very trusting.. she doesn’t read cues very well and she somehow is very easy to manipulate and a people pleaser. She gets pressured to move things very quickly and is scared to put her feet down. She has gone counseling but I still think she needs a lot.

She has ended up with people who lied about being divorced/single. Lied about their age. Lied about their job... so many silly things...

She has been constantly involving me with her online dating to get my opinion on whether someone is a liar or not. I always support her..

There is this guy that contacted her that seems decent on the outlook..

I got fed up and asked her what she thinks if I opened a profile and pretended to be a single woman and asked the guy questions that she asked him and see if he has inconsistencies. It’s still very early on and they haven’t met.

I admit it was a moment of being crazy. I didn’t think it was morally right. But my other, usually very apprehensive friend, egged me on and thinks it’s not morally wrong so long as I don’t lead the guy on with a fake account. And I wouldn’t do that to a random bloke only to someone who has contacted my friend - as a vetting process.

This is out of character for me , so I’m quite prepared to be told that I’m batshit.

OP posts:

lifegoes · 07/03/2019 09:32

@DoraTheExplorer3 if he has nothing to hide, then 1) he doesn't have to know what you did 2) nothing to be upset about.

Just do it.

AgentJohnson · 07/03/2019 12:53

Think about this OP, do you really think this will be a one off expectation? It doesn’t solve the real problem, which is your friend has very poor boundaries and won’t take responsibility for them, hence involving you.

AgentJohnson · 07/03/2019 12:54

Don’t follow your friend down the rabbit hole, encourage her to stay away from it.

HeckyPeck · 07/03/2019 14:15

I’m not sure I’d do this, but I also don’t think it’s that wrong it just feels like your friend isn’t ready to date so that would be my concern.

If a friend suspected a boyfriend/husband was cheating but didn’t have proof I’d make a fake profile to see if he was a cheat and if so get them the proof they needed.

Original poster

DoraTheExplorer3 · 07/03/2019 14:18

AgentJohnson you are a guy right ?

OP posts:

goldengummybear · 07/03/2019 15:56

I believe that the Freedom Programme is a good course for learning about dating red flags etc. I'd recommend this if she were my friend.

FaithInfinity · 07/03/2019 16:04

I was also going to suggest she would be far better off doing The Freedom Programme to help her rather than this approach, which probably seems like a good idea to start with but could go horribly wrong.

Original poster

DoraTheExplorer3 · 07/03/2019 16:17

I’m gonna have a look at the freedom program and suggest it to her. Is it the online course you mean?

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 07/03/2019 16:40

And you think I’m a guy because.....

Original poster

DoraTheExplorer3 · 07/03/2019 17:26

I just wanted to know if you are giving me a male perspective (which I do want).

And looking at the username, I thought I’d ask ..

OP posts:

category12 · 07/03/2019 17:59

You can do the online course, but doing it in person would be more likely to stick.

Original poster

DoraTheExplorer3 · 07/03/2019 18:03

Alright will try convince her to do it. I think she took a lot of counselling and she definitely improved in her confidence. But somehow she still feels too inferior to men and allows them to trample all over her and only realises too late

OP posts:

Dieu · 07/03/2019 18:07

Can't you just suggest counselling for your friend? Doesn't sound like her usual pattern is going to change anytime soon.
Her poor kids

HappyLife21 · 07/03/2019 18:25

I think someone with as many ‘issues’ as your friend has problems bigger than can be solved with this ruse.

If someone did this to me I would think them batshit, and it would be really offputting.

Original poster

DoraTheExplorer3 · 07/03/2019 18:32

I think someone with as many ‘issues’ as your friend has problems bigger than can be solved with this ruse

I know and I’m not exactly trying to “solve” her issues. I’m just here to help her avoid further damage...

She has gone to years of counselling but as she went into a serious relationship at a younger age and stayed in an abusive relationship for a very long part of her life, it almost will take a very long time for her to fully recover...

And her poor kids are mostly independant and supportive now.

OP posts:

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