Sorry in advance for the long post I just wanted to give as much information as possible.
Me and my husband have been living seperate for coming up a year now. After i had to practically force him out...
My mental health got really bad where I was getting so upset I was hitting myself and leaving bruises on my face and body because I couldn't cope with how things were between us. My husband never wanted to talk about problems, constantly stonewalled me, told me I was wasting his time, my feelings were stupid, get over them and would tell me I was being emotional abusive towards him by keep talking to him about problems when he didnt want to talk or even listen (thats what he classed as emotional abuse) kept saying I made him unhappy, he couldnt wait to get away from me but done absolutely nothing to move out and get away from me. He refused to tell his parents about us seperating so we were still having to go round theres together when invited and they had no idea. He kept saying if i wanted them to know then I should tell them, but he knew I wouldnt because he always made sure I was never that close to his parents. In the end I did, he went to stay with his parents for the weekend before staying in a bed and breakfast for one night whilst he was trying to sort out somewhere permenant and then after one night in the bed and breakfast asked me for another chance the following day, stupidly I said yes even though reluctantly. I wanted to believe he could go back to the man I fell in love with and the relationship meant more to me because we met at a mental health falicity when I was in a really dark place and then he just sat and watched me fall back into a dark place whilst id hit myself and be in tears hed tell me everytime I hurt myself it made him love me less so it really crushed me at the time.
Eventually got him to move out coming up to a year ago, but his place was an empty shell when he got it, i.e cosmetically a mess and no flooring anywhere. Hes made zero effort to do anything, although hes brought the flooring that he said he was going to fit himself he just keeps making excuses saying he doesnt want to live there, he doesnt like it. Basically just excuse after excuse. Its a house split in to a flat and hes upstairs and another excuse was he has to rely on the people downstairs not to set fire to their place and burn his down, but that could happen even with my next door neighbour in her house a fire can spread so his excuses are ridiculous. Ive even gave him numbers for decorators but theres always an excuse. So as he cant have our son at his place (not that id trust him anyway) he comes round to my house EVERY day to see him.
Im tired of his attitude, 90% of the time he will come round with a face like thunder, but he assures me hes not in a mood hes just focused. He has his headphones in so communicating anything with him is a battle. He is rude
If i try to speak I may often be met with WHAT? takes out headphones SPEAK NOW!
- Im not interested
- Youre wasting my time
- no one cares
- your invisible
Sometimes ill say something and I say you didnt hear what I even said did you and hes like no i dont even listen to you, but if I shout he just tells me no one cares about your shouting im not even listening.
He comes in and criticizes me
The other day id had the milk out the fridge to make a cup of tea was going back in to make cereal and he came in complaining id left the milk out, no wonder our son gets ill, its my fault I dont wash up properly. He moaned that i hadnt put bottoms on our son the other day in the house, id just changed his nappy and he said paedophiles might be looking through my window 🙄... i know it sounds really ridiclous.
He moans when my mum takes him to the park at the sandpit because there might be needles. He moans when I speak to quiet that he cant hear me, then moans when I talk loud and says im shouting (never been an issue with any friends, family, dates, work colleagues etc) no one else has ever mentioned my voice level.
Its driving me insane.
He is also mean to our son
He used to say no one cares that your crying
Your ugly when you cry
This was when our son was 2, hes just turned 3 now.
I threatened him and told our support worker and he stopped saying that.
But now hell say in the most casual voice
"This is why daddy wants to kill himself" when our son is misbehaving or having a tantrum.
Or hell say how dissapointed he is and how he will have to have lots more children and sons to make up for it.
Ive told him if thats how he feels then no one is stopping him from leaving but then he just calls me schizophrenic or asks if im smoking crack.
Ive tried sending a message about the way he speaks to our son and he just agrees and says fine he'll raise him how I want and hell have more sons in future who he can raise as sees fit. (His actual words)
I dont know how to cut him out of our lives. Our son is waiting to be assesed for autism and im not sure our son is actually too aware of the comments yet and still loves when his dad tickles him and gives him cuddles etc, seems happy and not affected (he doesnt speak much and I believe is a little delayed)
I wouldnt trust him having him at his place even if it was decorated so hes forgot to feed our son before, rarely baths him unless ive forced him too and hates when our son touches things and gets angry
Such as get away from me, dont touch me, your dirty, your disgusting...
I just feel so sad when i see my son having fun with his dad and cuddles, but feel so bad when i hear all of those words from my exs mouth. Its like two different men. Before we had our son he said we both wanted an amazing family life and then after we had our son I was literally having to scream at him to come downstairs and spend time with me and our son as he would just stay upstairs.
I dont know what to do. Court hes said before hed be spiteful and use the fact I used to do drugs before me and him met which I know wouldnt stand as everyone has a past I haven't touched drugs since before we got together and dont even drink anymore. Im worried he will use against me having bad thoughts about our son after he was born, I was fighting not only my marriage falling apart but horrible thoughts as a mother that I didnt want to have and I hated myself and opened up to him and he did nothing to support me. Im scared if I took him to court he would manipulate them against me as hes the most calm person ever ive rarely seen him raise his voice where as I get worked up quite quickly because he knows which buttons to press and I admit I do end up looking like a loony. I have calmed down a lot and dont react as much as I used to but sometimes I cant help getting annoyed and flying off the handle.
The other evening a memory come up from when our son was born in the hospital and I tried to share it with him but he wasnt interested and kept saying how I was trying to brainwash him by showing him how kind and loving he used to be in the hospital video. I just cant do anything and walk on eggshells.
I just dont know what to do anymore. Anyone been in a similar situation?