I'll try to be brief but I'd really appreciate an opinion because I'm so confused. Long 35 year conflict filled marriage, 3 ACs. His family blank all emotions, he used to do the same. My father died when I was 7, I was abused by an uncle, bullied by my brother, dominated by my mother. I married him after a series of disastrous relationships. At least he was kind, seemed straightforward and we did share interests. The first few years were OK. Once children arrived the pressures of life kicked in, there were always rows about money, childcare, he played the game of laid back daddy when he wasn't working long hours. I worked part time, he did lots of childcare but I know now that that was because he didn't trust me not to be like his tyrant of a mother who never forgave his sister for not being clever enough at school.
Fast forward 25 years, kids gone, a year of counselling under the table and I can suddenly see how he manipulates me. Despite me saying there are lots of rows what actually happens is that he appeases and is insistent that everything is fine while being avoidant. I get annoyed and angry about a series of things which he will deny or ignore until I blow up. Then it's my fault and he doesn't listen to me just apologises, says he'll change as a kind of throwaway line then I'm being unreasonable for not saying OK and pretending it's all blown over. Just writing this is making my head ache.
The counsellor says he's controlling. I have discovered that I have attachment problems, I just don't know how to leave, I threaten but I don't do it and of course he disrespects me more and more. Just lately he taken to throwing things back at me, I point out that he's gaslighting and he says I am. I said recently in a row that I couldn't afford to leave and that's why I put up with him. He immediately said he couldn't afford to split up either. I feel like I'm going crazy and I scream at him and then give him further cause to say I'm the problem.
I don't have any family and not really friends I could stay with, I have a small amount saved along with a recent state pension. I feel so, so stupid and I just don't know what to do, or whether I am getting it all wrong.