Suddenly feeling very scared

[Letshopethisdietworks]

Changed name recently, but I have posted before and had helpful comments. Especially re treading on eggshells . I've just come off the phone to domestic abuse centre for our region. Suddenly got scared when it came to giving my son's details
Backstory is...lots of shouting in the house. Mainly at me. I cannot do anything right, recent triggers include: a pair of slippers to the side of stairs (not in right place): a coffee cup he has put by the sink and I didn't see, not washed up, too many coats on the hook.
It is just perpetual criticism over everything I do and how I look (weight) and dress.

He said he was going to leave this morning, but followed this later with..maybe I could be a bit nicer to him.

Feel totally isolated. Totally. So worried about the impact on DS. He is starting to struggle at school and he used to be top 5. First thing he asks when he wakes or gets in from school is whether daddy is here or not, and comments how quiet when he is out.

I think he is much better with son when I'm not around. Though controlling.

Latest is that we haven't got into secondary school and he's blaming me for not lying on the form (faith school).

I have taped conversations over the past 6 months. And when I play them back I know in not imagining it all

You’re taking the right steps to give your son and yourself a happier and more secure future. Be aware that the time after deciding to leave, and telling an abusive partner that you’re leaving, can be quite an unpredictable time. Ensure you have things packed and ready to go, eg a bag in the car. Documents. Do you know where you could go if you had to leave quickly?

And for the record, he is, of course, being totally unreasonable.

Are you scared about change ? Sometimes change can be good and frankly it sounds like your son is begging you to get him away from his father. Your husband is treating you like sport . Be nice to me or I'll leave. Ffs why would you be nice to a controlling twatty bully?

MakeItAmazing there is a difficult relationship between father and son. some learnt behaviour from me, is always backing down lots of apologies. Once I jokingly said to DS ..ah stop being a Dobby (H.Potter!) He was then told by father to write lines ...I must not be a Dobby'
This was 6 months ago. I found the paper when tidying his room and remembered.
Just feels so awful.
I can't leave the house. In joint names and I'm not sure that is a good idea. We're not in physical danger

As to the weight. Am in my 50s, and creeping into a 12, so not exactly obese

I've had all the types of abuse you can think of as a child and it's not the physical abuse that has screwed me up…

I think I am a scared of the change. I can make a financial decision in April, possibly.
In worried as when I mentioned it to the centre, she mentioned by partner being on a register? Some of it may be just our personalities are not matched?

Sounds like back tracking and minimising.

I know it's hard and scary. I had to secretly make plans to leave a boyfriend and didn't have a child to consider but your child is being abused and so are you and he needs you to protect him.

Some of it may be just our personalities are not matched?

Yes it's definitely a personality mismatch - you're not s controlling, bullying, abusive weirdo and he is.

Also that sounds bullying/abusive towards your child - lines?!! Lines to his child at home? Is he the demon headmaster?

there is a difficult relationship between father and son. some learnt behaviour from me, is always backing down lots of apologies.

Because he's abusing and bullying him.

That's really sad to read about your poor son backing down and apologising to his dad regularly, then being mocked for it, then being punished for it.

Once I jokingly said to DS ..ah stop being a Dobby (H.Potter!) He was then told by father to write lines ...I must not be a Dobby'

That was the mocking and punishing o was referring to in case it wasn't obvious.

You can leave, women's aid might be able to help you get accommodation.

House in joint names means you're entitled to your half, married or not (which it sounds like you are).

If you find out exactly what you're entitled to separated, what your income would be you may be able to rent while waiting for divorce/house sale etc to go through.

He is starting to struggle at school and he used to be top 5. First thing he asks when he wakes or gets in from school is whether daddy is here or not, and comments how quiet when he is out.

Your son is being abused, it's affecting him badly.

I seriously doubt he is any better with him when you're not there, why would he be?

Feel so sorry for your son.

You can stop this. You're the only one who can.

It sounds very important to engage with women's aid and the relevant authorities to try to stop him from getting unsupervised access to him when you're separated/divorced. If you're very lucky maybe he be an absent father and barely see him/not bother.

Feeling stronger after reading comments. I think I have lost track of normal behaviour.

Maybe giving my details to the domestic abuse team wouldn't be such a bad idea. I panicked because of everyone finding out. If my OH did it would be BIG trouble.
Not married, house in joint names. Family would definitely help me out but not local (not on speaking terms with OH)

They're trained to be very careful about confidentiality as they want to keep you safe.
They're only asking about your son so they can help you keep safe too.

*lots of shouting in the house. Mainly at me. I cannot do anything right, recent triggers include: a pair of slippers to the side of stairs (not in right place): a coffee cup he has put by the sink and I didn't see, not washed up, too many coats on the hook.
It is just perpetual criticism over everything I do and how I look (weight) and dress.

He said he was going to leave this morning..

he's blaming me for not lying on the form (faith school).*

Felt so sorry for your son, I didn't focus on your abuse in my previous posts,ball of which the above is.

(Although in the case of threatening to walk out, that would evidently be a blessing. Still used to scare/destabilise/ control you of course - how magnanimous of him to stay if you treat him better; no offer to treat you better though hm).

That sort of person rarely changes, so rarely that I'd say - find out how you'd manage financially/practically and get out asap, for yourself and your son's welfare and mental health.

not on speaking terms with OH)hmm

I can't imagine why not, he sounds like such a pleasant, reasonable character.

Remarks about you being a size 10?! Bet he's no Tom Hardy!
Complete and utter selfish control freak, get yourself and your son away from him.