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Original poster

Abusive Ex hiding new relationship from me and our DS!

27 replies

SAsurvivor · 06/03/2019 11:52

My ex was emotionally and sexually abusive. We split about 2 years ago.

He has a new gf of about 8 months, (the same girl he had an affair with while I was pregnant)

He's lied to us both about having to go away with work to Romania when I knew he was going on holiday with his gf. He even gave me fake contact details for a hotel in Romania.

He then told me he had to change his shifts in work and now can only have DS once a fortnight instead of twice a week (he is the one who manages the rotas)

He then said he had to go to a graduation in Feb of this year (even though all graduations are in July) and it was a 3 day event- which just so happened to be on Valentine's day.

He's plastering his new relationship all over his social media (that he thinks I don't have) and his family all adore her (But were all extremely abusive to me)

My question is.. how do i bring this up with him?

All the lies are getting a bit tedious now, we haven't been together in 2 years yet he's acting like he's having an affair with the girl.

I can't stress enough how much I don't want him back, but it's starting to affect his time with our DS and it's so annoying when he lies to my face.

I think it's at that point where clearly he doesn't have the balls to tell me himself so I'm going to have to call him out on it.

Any advice??

P.S. About a month before he got with her he confessed his love for me still and told me he would be heartbroken if I started seeing anyone else.
And a few days after he got back from his holiday with her he told me he regrets losing me and misses me, and wishes we could have stayed a family.

Not sure if that's got anything to do with why he isn't telling me?
Tia x

OP posts:
Frecklesonmyarm · 06/03/2019 12:21

Why would you call him out on his new relationships.

By all means, if he lies to you ask him why he is lying.

But there is no need for you or your ds to know at this point. The lying is shit. But no need to tell you he is with someone.

Stop checking his Facebook, you need to find away to move forward from him.

Singlenotsingle · 06/03/2019 12:27

Just thank your lucky stars he's someone else's problem now, not yours. You've dodged a bullet. Draw a line and move on.

WhateverName2 · 06/03/2019 12:35

Focus on the time his son is missing. Not what he is doing in that time.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2019 12:35

My question is.. how do i bring this up with him?

My question is why would you? Whoever he's seeing now is none of your business. Just be grateful it's not you anymore.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/03/2019 12:40

In the nicest possible way it is none of your business. He doesn't have to tell you anything.

You should only be discussing your sons contact arrangements with him. You have no right to any other information and truthfully its very odd you are stalking him on social media.

Crustaceans · 06/03/2019 13:17

I agree that it’s none of your business. It cannot be helping you to even care about what your ex is doing.

I haven’t told my ex about my 8 month relationship because I don’t need to. I don’t need his permission or approval or anything. It’s my life. He does know about it (not least because he’s actually seen my BF) but we don’t talk about anything. I have no idea about whether he’s seeing anyone and, frankly, I don’t care what he’s doing so long as he treats DS well.

It’s shit that’s your ex is reducing contact - that’s what to focus on. Not the new relationship and how his family love her. None of that matters in the least. But your DS does.

HK20 · 06/03/2019 13:25

Why do you care?
It means you get to spend more time with your son and he will grow up knowing who was around and who wasn't.

Let your ex live his life - he doesn't have to answer to you, in the same way you wouldn't have to answer to him.

flumpybear · 06/03/2019 13:26

He's still controlling you by

  1. Lying but manipulating when he gets to spend time with your DS therefore hogging your spare time too for his needs
  2. Making you still feel you want to be involved, Facebook, him telling you sweet nothings even though he's lying as he's got another woman but won't admit it

Mentally turn away from him. Is he abusive to your child? Should there be contact there?

Cherim90 · 06/03/2019 13:57

I disagree, I think he should be telling the mother of his child as eventually or already I assume she will be involved in their child's life. I have always told my daughters father everything, if it affects our daughters life. New relationship, house move etc I mean if it's the first few months fair enough but 8 months is leading towards something serious so rather than lie why doesn't he just tell her, and he shouldn't be letting his new relationship change when he sees his child (if that's what he is doing)

Frecklesonmyarm · 06/03/2019 14:02

Cherim90 he hasn't told the child. It's in the title. Until he decides to introduce them, then he should tell her.

But until then, its non of the ops business.

Original poster
SAsurvivor · 06/03/2019 14:14

I totally get that his new relationship isn't my business but it's all the lies he's making up to me and my son to avoid telling me.

I don't check his Facebook either by the way I get told from my friends and family who still have him on there, I'm not seeking this stuff out.

And I think I should be told out of respect before he decides to introduce my child. I'd be very angry if my son is the one who has to tell me daddy has a girlfriend.

OP posts:
Cherim90 · 06/03/2019 14:21

@Frecklesonmyarm oops didn't see that 😂 tbh I don't even know what DS means either lol

Cherim90 · 06/03/2019 14:23

@SAsurvivor I agree I think you need to meet this girl before your child in introduced :) when the time comes. My daughters dad met my current partner and knew about his before so he could get used to the idea before our daughter met him x

Clutterbugsmum · 06/03/2019 14:47

I think I should be told out of respect But he didn't respect while you were in relationship and pregnant why would you think he will respect you now.

I get in an ideal world then your Ex would tell but unfortunately you ex isn't that person.

Ignore and enjoy the extra time you have with your child and enjoy your life.

NameChangeNugget · 06/03/2019 14:49

When the child is with him, as a ‘responsible’ adult, he doesn’t have to tell you.

Focus on yourself and stop cyber stalking him. You’re better than that Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2019 14:56

Is your child 2? Then why is he involved at all?

Not all graduations happen in July.

Original poster
SAsurvivor · 06/03/2019 16:12

Lol @NameChangeNugget I'm really not cyberstalking him I've blocked him and all his family from my social media, it's other people that tell me these things.

For example when I mentioned to my friend that he couldn't attend a parent teachers meeting for DS because he was going to a graduation, she then said she saw on his Facebook that he and his gf went away for Valentine's day.

Its the lies that bother me. Grow some balls and tell me the truth..? it's not like I could do anything about it even it I wanted to. I can't stop who he introduces to my child, I can't tell him who he can or cannot date.

At the end of the day I only want what's best for my child.

OP posts:
Hanab · 06/03/2019 16:14

Ypu have evidence show him and put the ball in his court .. or you can show him the proverbial finger and live ypur best life with your kid!

InfiniteSheldon · 06/03/2019 16:20

Tbh your post makes it sound like you still care I think you need to really scrutinize your feeling about this perhaps talk to your counsellor or if your counselling has finished ask for more because this lying shouldn't be that relevant to you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/03/2019 16:28

Look, he tells you he still has feelings for you, do you believe him? Does a little bit of you feel smug about that, he is deceiving her too?

Or do you think that is the same sort of lie as he is telling to cover his relationship?

It is all done so as to leave you unbalanced and wondering, leaving him in some weird control of or importance in your life.

Maybe if you get a chance in person to say "Oh just tell the truth and shame the devil why don't you?" but otherwise let him spend his time and energy thinking up more transparent lies.

I would tell him that he is letting his child down. One day DC will be old enough to wonder why his dad can't be bothered!

FissionChip5 · 06/03/2019 16:30

My ex was emotionally and sexually abusive

The less time your child spends with such a person the better IMO.

Frecklesonmyarm · 06/03/2019 16:47

i don't check his Facebook either by the way I get told from my friends and family who still have him on there, I'm not seeking this stuff out.

Why? Why are they even friends with him on Facebook.

The lies arent ok. The fact that he hasn't told you yet, doesnt mean he wont tell you before he introduces your child.

But to be fair, even if he does, there isn't much you can do. At least he has been seeing her a while.

My exh moved in with his girlfriend and didn't tell me. They had, apparently, been together only 3 months and we had only been split 8 months.

Although he sounds like a cunt, at least he is waiting before introducing them

magoria · 06/03/2019 17:16

It's shit that he is letting his new relationship dictate the time he spends with DC.

Unfortunately he is a dick. He was a cheating dicka and now he is a co-parent dick who doesn't put his DC first.

Nothing you can do or say. Just be there for DC.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/03/2019 17:23

I don't check his Facebook either by the way I get told from my friends and family who still have him on there, I'm not seeking this stuff out

Tell them in no uncertain terms that you don’t need or want to know this stuff. It’s not relevant to you, and until he decides it’s the right time to introduce this partner (or anyone else) to your DC, it’s not relevant to him either.

SandyY2K · 06/03/2019 17:34

Have you thought maybe he hasn't told you and DS because it's not serious yet?

I wouldn't be concerned with what he was doing with his time as a sexually abusive man. I'd actually be glad he hasn't introduced her or told your DS about her at the moment.

As a pp said, he was abusive and cheated on you while pregnant, he's always disrespected you, why would he change the habit of a lifetime.

I certainly would be tempted to leak information about me seeing someone though...just because of his comment that he wouldn't like it.

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