Advice please, what should I do?

[Confusedtotally]

Sorry dears, I am a new member on mumsnet, however I have been a long years reader here.
I find in real life, I have come to a situation where very difficult to talk about this now. please bear with me if you could, I really need some advice, for my own look out and the wellbeing of my children.
I and OH have been married for 21 years, so I am in my late 40s and OH is in his early 60s. two children, one can be counted as adult, and one is still at school, GCSE this June.
I discovered OH has been flirting online with other ladies about one week ago, particularly looking for sex. I have had a whole week to think/analyse the situation, I partially understand the reason he did it but cannot accept why. The most important thing is, what should I do from now on, please help if you lovely people can give me any suggestions.

I must apologise for the drip feed and nagging, the whole thing with his action and reaction really shocked me. so please allow me talking about it from the beginning, I don't know what I did was ok or not or what I should do the next.
I borrowed OH's laptop a week ago while he was away for business and when my own laptop couldn't connect to the Internet. Both children helped and resit the broadband but we still couldn't connect mine to the internet when there was no problem with their connection. I messaged husband to ask if I could borrow his, he texted back with permission and his password. So I borrowed his laptop.
I logged on with the password he gave to me. A Word document was open on the spot as soon as the computer started. The document was a serial of erotic poems.
Our marriage/sex/intimate life has been non-existent for many years, about 12 years now I believe. Please allow me to explain, I am going to talk as fair as possible.
While second child was around a little over 3 years old, OH seemed slowly went cold on me for a total. He seemed totally out of the human touch with me. However, he seemed fine otherwise, I mean fine was he has a such good temper where he had no opinion of what I do, what the children do, how they were brought up, everything, he has no opinion at all. He would follow what I said or planned to do regarding above areas. Now look back, I feel myself somehow so stupid.
Relationship wise, I tried to seduce him, please him, develop to serious talks with him, suggested that we should go to see the GPs together, or seek some professional help but he refused all. I cried, couldn't sleep, went on sleeping tablets, lost confidence totally. He refused to talk or answer back, with no explanation at all. Each time, he just listened then offered me a coffee, a cup of tea, or a glass of wine. I couldn't understand the reason behind of it, in my head I kept thinking, was I really so ugly? I started to feel so lonely so I started to drink, but not excessively.
I don't understand myself now, why did I keep the marriage running without feeling love from him for so many years? just because my family are thousands miles away? because I didn't want to live in a running down council flat with my children? or it was because that I didn't have any faith in myself? or because I was brought up in a broken family so I didn't want my children to go through the same experience? However, with time flies, up to today, I feel I have no energy to think back what exactly went wrong, and the most important of all, what should I do the next?

You know why.

You’ve sort of answered the question yourself. Just because you’ve been used to something for so long doesn’t mean you have to stay around. It sounds like things haven’t been good for a long time and I think you need to put a plan together to move on to better things. It will he hard but you’ll be so proud of yourself and feel much better afterwards

The past 21 years, financially, we haven't done brilliantly. I suppose partial of it was me as a full time mum for pretty many years as husband had been working as a contractor for years until not many years ago. His contracts seemed never stable, every few months his job changed to different locations in the UK or different countries, so I stayed at home with the children until when 2nd child started school and I started doing some freelance jobs. I suppose that he worked hard but he could be out of jobs for ages, the longest period was over two years for him without any work. That period covered before I fell pregnant with 2nd child, until 2nd child was over one year old. We survived on my student loan for that two years. He had no interest to even change careers to support us as a family. With the pregnancy and stress, I didn't do well with the achievement from the university with only a third class degree. I don't understand why the marriage stayed, so it is my own fault, isn't it, I can slowly see the weakness in me now.

He's destroyed your confidence, you should leave him and be free to enjoy life again

Its not your fault

You’re not weak. You just wanted to believe so hard that things would work out and that’s natural. I stayed in a bad relationship for 6 years but after leaving I feel like a new woman, I’m free and it feels so liberating. But by the sounds of things your relationship is too far gone and now your OH is resorting to finding women online etc, get out whilst you can, the longer you stay the harder it will be.

Thank you my dears for responding, please forgive me that I don't reply to each one of you individually. I am going to get it all out of my chest then see what your opinions are on how I can do it sensibly. It hurts so much, I couldn't sleep or eat properly, my stomach is all twisted and I feel my head is full of these errors that I created and kept.
I post it here, for support and help, also for you lovely people to tell me that I have been a fool for many years. I want to be honest to myself. Thank you

Marriage wasn't as it should have been, money wise not doing so well. I was very determined to support my children through their education, at least school education, so we moved to the current living area which has grammar school system. But 1st child did not do so well with his A level, he ends up sleeping all day at home now while all his friends are finishing their first year at university. I don't know which part went wrong there. So I am in a mess at the moment.
Please believe me, I am not a dominating person at all, both to the husband and the children. I just find that I have been pulling a heavy load for many years and I am so tired, mentally and emotionally.

I had been taking that it might be because his diabetes damaged his sexual ability, or it could be the stress, or he even might be a gay that felt embarrassed to admit it. still the marriage has extended to today,
Let me get back to what I found last week on his laptop.
With those poems that I saw so sexual, I went on to his saved favourite folder for search engines. Yes, many online dating websites were saved. So I looked into his searching history for the day before he went away for business, yes many that type of websites he visited before he went. I clicked on one link which took me to that website chatting area.
I was feeling a little guilty, to feel not respect his privacy but the same time, I was so confused to feel that if he didn't want sex, or couldn't function then why he was looking into those things and with so many different sites. So I clicked the sent box on that website, I was only interested what he sent at that time, I suppose I only wanted to know what he was up to. Yes I found a lot of interesting stuff.

Honestly just get out, you’ve still got many years of life left and you need to get yourself back out there and find someone that’s going to respect you and love you like you deserve. Don’t leave it until it’s too late!

Since middle of December last year, up to last Monday evening, he had been chatting to 150 women online to seek sex. Majority of them are local, some are even just a few roads away from where we live.
He sounded like a sex starved animal in his messages (I remember I bought a book some years ago called "sex starved marriage"). He was so hunger to ask for sex, from people want to lost virginity to people under 65 years. He was chatting to different people on same days with talking about hotel rooms been booked, and how he was going to please them in bed, how to kiss, how to undress them and how to make them satisfied.
However, a few people asked him that in his profile that he is still married. They were asking what went wrong and why he is doing such thing and doesn't he mind how his wife feels and what is going to happen if his wife finds out. A lady even asked him that he got his wife's blessing to do so?
His combination of answers were: his wife is no longer want sex with him; his wife just doesn't want sex at all; his wife was away for a few weeks so he was looking for somewhere to reduce his stress; he had an agreement with his wife for an open relationship, so as far as his wife doesn't find out, it is going to be fine. but with each message, he was so desperately for sex, it seems no matter who they are, what they look like, he just wanted it.

Some of them, he chatted briefly, but some of them went on for pages, I only remember that while I was reading them, my whole body went cold. I started to question myself what I have been doing to myself for so many years.
So on the earth, the only woman he doesn't want was me.
For which, I had discussed with him for many years, that if he didn't feel anything to me anymore, then lets divorce.
Funny thing is, stupid me, a few years ago, he said that he didn't want a divorce was because he didn't want to pay for two house hold as the children then were younger so they might have to live with me.
I am stupid.

Those people he was chatting to, however, many of them refused to meet up. Some might not be interested what he said and some were looking for long term relationship, he kept stating that he was looking for a sex partner or one night stand. Many of them were advice him to sort his marriage out first.
One or two conversations caught my attention further so I concentrated on one. (15 pages with 10 people on each made me headache even reading it, but I was so naughty, I thought to myself, if it is going to hurt then why don't I let it hurt totally and completely). That conversation lasted a printable of 75 pages so I was very particularly interested.

Please please please leave. 150 women that is ridiculous. Even 1 woman is ridiculous but that’s out of control now.

Thank you User9797.
In those messages to many of them, he honestly told where he lives, his house number, his real name, what job he does and which company he works for. How to find where we live, his wife is not original English and where she comes from, what she is doing as jobs and training, how old his children are, where the eldest works and how old another one goes to school. Which day his wife works and where she works, what time period she would be out of the house, the conclusion is when the ladies come over for sex then the house will be convenient.

This particularly woman. Profile says 31 years old, virgin, Muslim, a lawyer from Birmingham.
They chatted for 75 pages, with every single message about sex on how he was going to do it.
It developed that they were going to meet up, that he booked a room in a hotel on my wedding anniversary to meet her. those messages made my eyes watery so I couldn't help myself from crying.
A few weeks before my wedding anniversary and also before I discovered his adventure, he said he was needed by work to somewhere on Saturday afternoon which was our wedding anniversary. He said he might need to stay over night and came back on Sunday around lunch time. As money was tight so I thought since the children were big and he will not be here for the anniversary so I booked myself some work. I booked Saturday afternoon and a long day sunday.
On Friday, he said he might try to get back on Saturday evening. It didn't come into my head what he was up to at all.
Saturday morning, he dropped me off at work early in the morning. Around nearly one pm he texted that he wasn't needed after all so he could come to pick me up from work. I was planning we might even go out for a meal in the evening or something.
He picked me up, we went shopping, he was very hyper that day.

I am going out for some fresh air, I feel physically sick when I recall back.
I am during a training for 3 years and this is my final year. I have a lot to do (assignments, dissertation and exams) but I haven't done anything for the past week.
I am going to get everything out this evening. I feel I cannot breathe.

Let me know how it goes. I’m always here if you need to chat.

I am actually in tears reading this! Please leave him, you will be in a much better place. I can see what a lovely person you are, good mother, and an ambitious person who wants to start something new in her life. Please, do not let him hurt you any further, he will have to leave the house, and manage a way to afford 2 houses! Do not feel pitty or guilt..do not let him give any excuses. Just make sure you have copies of everything, and calmly say you deserve better than this. Your boys will be fine, YOU will be fine.

May I open a new chapter of my life ladies? thank you very much Stopmyselfornot and User9797!

DH doesn't admit that he met that woman, neither that he had/has been chatting to so many people online to ask for sex.

My explanation to him is: after 3 weeks upsetting, I am beyond of what he had up to, intended to or wanted to do, or able to do at that point when he was chatting online like that. I am more concerned more than ever that the past 12 years in our marriage, no sex, no hugs, no kisses, which I gathered as he might not be able to or want to then, but however now I know/understand he wants to/loves to feel the closeness between a couple but just couldn't do them with me. I cannot accept the times that I talked, cried but receiving no feedback and now discovered that he wants anyone, anyone at all but not me.

He believes that he hasn't met anyone, hasn't had sex with anyone yet so he is still innocent.

My point of view is: from his behaviour online, he obviously has no medical conditions to stop him wanting sex; from how he talked to those women about how he was going to please them, then he is not lack of sextual skills; from him greet a stranger online for valentine's day but just because I picked up a 75% discount single rose in Tesco the day after he didn't want to pay then he clearly does not have mental issues.

Yes I have lived for more than 10 years with him sexless, no cuddles, no kisses. It becomes to me, my life is about a roof and two children. I thought I could deal with the next 30 years being miserable but I would stand by his side if it was health /mental issue despite I feel the walls surround me are getting closer each day. But I am wrong, aren't I?

He changed all his passwords on his laptop and his phone, which I am actually not interested in anymore. The amount I have seen are more than enough to upset me. For so many years, I have thought that I was so ugly, so unattractive, now I feel so bruised and so damaged.

I think we both interpret relationship/marriage so differently or I could be totally wrong.

I honestly don't have much else to say now apart from you need to get out of there. You deserve so much better and you'll find someone new. Put yourself first for once and look after your own mental health. Best of luck xo