Despitely need help

[Katebear1]

Sorry this is super complicated but here goes I recently found out my husband has been leading a double life not as a affair he’s hasn’t cheated on me ever, but he’s been living a second life in work.

He told me he works in engineering but turns out he has two job shares and been working for a hair clinic also for years people he works with don’t know mine or our children’s real names or our real life story, he’s lied about it all for year to these people work friend and customers ( who I don’t even known or have never meet) the reason for the lies is he’s had treatment himself and didn’t want anyone to know I know he’s very embarrassed and ashamed by this.

He’s is a very thoughtful, very loving and caring husband and amazing dad he always provided well for us as a family never not shared the money he makes but has always lied about where it comes from we’ve been together for year.

I think I can understand why and possibly forgive all this and move forward but...

It doesn't stop there my daughter was born early and poorly and was a very difficult time she’s is fine now, but a few months after she got home all recovered I found my husbands work phone ( I didn’t know about) on this was recent text messages from customers asking about my husbands fake daughter who was born poorly who was still I’ll in hospital ( months after our actual daughter was home) due to a very difficult financial breakdown in clinic he worked for he was trying to make sure all customer got the hair they had paid for(his customers were alopecia sufferes with bespoke hair systems/wigs she was very imprortant to these customers to be able to carry out their normal lives ) My husband delayed responding to people whilst waiting to sort it all himself but one of his customs was a doctor and had made the own suggestion that the only reason she would still be in hospital and need my husband to be there was bone marrow donation he had said this to one of the staff this idea then traveled around to all his customers and this is when I saw people text my husband work phone of which is didn’t reply or deny .

I feel this is such a unforgivable thing and don’t know if I can get past it he’s is very sorry and has opened up about everything but I can’t seem to get pasted this and can’t stop thinking he’s tempted fate that now our real little girl will end up needing bone marrow because of his lies.

I know he loves me and our children and they adore him and he has been the love of my life but I just don’t know what to do is this unforgivable does it matter that it was his completely FAKE family & FAKE daughter, Completely FAKE life, He’s stopped all this now and now doing everything he can to be a better & honest person but I need help getting over this ... please help I know it’s very strange.

Hard situation for you.

What help has he had for his mental health differences?

We have been to therapy , then He’s been to therapy and personal development I honestly believe he has changed and wouldn’t ever go back to being that person

Lying has been his life, he was told to lie by his parents as his dad was a drug addict and was always told to lie about that from starting little school - I think all this broke him but the last 6 month really have been a massive improvement for him I just don’t know if as a mum I can get over that

I know at his core he’s a good person

So he's not an engineer? Or just that he's only had that as a job share and had the hair clinic job share also?

It think it must feel like living with a stranger and I don't know how someone does that for a week, let alone years!

He had to have treatment himself, which you knew about? So how does he work there now? What's his job there? Engineering skillset doesn't spring to mind as transferable to hair clinic?!

Many are told lies growing up (often to 'protect' their DC), its doesn't mean he can make it his life, lying this way.

He’s was a project manager for engineering firm and he also trained to be a hair consultant did both shared ( part time), I’ve never knew he had treatment himself until all this, also he wasn’t told lies to protect him when he was growing up he was told to lie he knew all about his dad etc

It doesn’t really bother me that he worked for a hair clinic he really was helping people and I can come to terms with the second life thing i think but the daughter thing I’m struggling with.

He’s just a project manager now he’s retired that second life and is now being honest.

Oh...being told/expected to lie, normalising it has been lifelong for him then.

It's going to hard for him to stop, but he has nothing to lie about now? Mind you, he didn't need to create such awful lies around a fake DD.

He sounds to need some quite long term change therapy, and then you working together with support.

Does it help to have said it, to work through it. Who have you told this to? What chance have you had to process it?

He is still ongoing therapy and no now I know everything he has no need to lie and he’s come on massively, we are currently on a trail separation but we was very happy together and our two children . Do you think even though he didn’t make the lie re Fake DD that it’s unforgivable or that that lie is like tempting fate for our actual daughter ?

Yes I’ve spoken to mum and friend about it all except the Fake DD lie part can’t bring myself to say it to anyone else but here

I had to reread your post; this is completely bizarre. Why make up a fake family when he had a real one? How can you live with someone and not know where they work? I couldn't live with him, these aren't just lies this is seriously weird to invent a life and to hide things from you.

From what he said it’s was the only way he could live with himself and this was to create a separate life as one lie rather then many. he didn’t wants people from that world getting involved in this one to keep it all completely separate he does she how mental that is now but I just don’t know if it’s all too late

It started as one lie not telling me he has had hair loss treatment at a very young age and continues to do so, followed by working for them part time and not wanting questions to why or how he works for a hair loss clinic and all evolved from there he alway works over 100 miles away so it wasn’t that strange not to meet people etc and he never had work do’s or work friend really he didn’t seem to like his work or discuss it, I think he basically give us different names etc and added extra people or anything like that

I kind of understand in some way why he’s lied about work ( I wouldn’t do it myself) but kinda understand and can forgive, but this thing with fake DD I don’t know how to process it

People do this when they have affairs etc but he’s never cheated on me

The thing about tempting fate and somehow making your own DD ill won’t happen it just won’t.
As to every thing else I think all you can do is sit him down get him to tell you everything and take it from there. Bizarre way to carry on.

I have do that and he has opened up on everything and stoped lying and he’s has seemed help and is doing much better and is a mush better person now i know I can forgive the lies re work but I don’t now how I can forgive the Fake DD Extra needed treatment even thought he didn’t come up with that himself he never denied it to that world I struggled when my daughter was born because she was poorly thankfully she was fine, but I just felt like he used this terrible thing andmade customers feel sorry for him over fake DD at let them believe like he was this hero dad to Fake DD

I agree it’s a very bizarre way of living I have accepted he’s done what he has done and he can’t chnage that only change moving forward and be a better person and be honest that’s the only way. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable unable to forgive this fake DD treatment thing ?

I do think, if you are convinced of his ongoing honesty, that you will have to let go of that particular part of his secret life of lies. They were all lies, and its the lying that causes the damage, the mistrust caused. If you are feeling you can now trust him again and think about moving forward, that particular lie will need to be part of that.

There is no such thing as tempting fate,only in people's mind. He made upna fake DD,it wasn't about your DD although was lovely based on your own events. It's not going to mean anything for DD,but it is one of the more painful lies. It will certainly not have any effect on dd's course of her life though.

Maybe talk that through with a counsellor if this is the thing thats going to stand in the way of everything else?

*loosely (not lovely!)

Thanks for the advise

Thank you for all the help & advise - I’ve took time to really think why I’m I so angry about this and I feel it’s because I saved our DD life I went in and made sure they did something and with all this a felt that my DH was taking the credit in a very weird way to these strangers ( to me anyway) his customers. I try to think of it if I never seen the phone I would never of known as these people have and would never be in my life but still 🤦‍♀️!!