My paranoia is hurting my relationship

[mummabearfourbabybears]

Hi. I've recently come out of a marriage that wasn't particularly abusive but there were times when my husband got very angry with me and was physical. Worse for me emotionally is that he cheated on numerous occasions. After 7 years of this I have finally left him and very soon after found a guy who I pretty much fallen in love with. He feels the same and we get on so well. The problem is I got married at 18 (now mid 40s) and my husband and new partner are the only two people I've ever slept with or had a relationship with. My new partner however has a lot of history, a good few ex's, the most recent ex (after a four year relationship) lives down the road from him. He has lots of memories with her and a few bits around the home that were clearly her influence. The issue is I'm completely paranoid he still lives her or is still seeing her and is cheating on me. It's based on nothing but my past and paranoia. He gives me no reason to mistrust him. I'm not even sure he's hugely aware of what a threat I see in her but I can feel it eating me up inside and tainting the good times we have. Wondering if he's comparing us etc. How on earth do I stop feeling so utterly miserable and start just enjoying my new found relationship??

I think you have very quickly fallen into a new relationship and you're not yet ready.

Your ex treated you terribly badly and you cannot get over that without spending some time on your own to mourn the past and learn how not to repeat it.

I would massively cool things with the new guy - or better yet just tell him that you're really not ready to get into a committed relationship again yet.

You've spent 20 odd years with your ex - you need time on your own to find out who the real you is and what you actually want from a partner.

Can you take a step back? You aren't ready...

I also fell into a new relationship quickly after my marriage ended but I knew I wasn't ready and forced myself to keep it VERY light for a good year or so. It didn't harm the relationship and it was really important to me resetting as a "new" person (as it were) after leaving my ex who I was with since I was 19.

We ended up getting properly serious after about 18 months..now its coming up on 4 years later and we live together and are v happy.

I think you've got to be really careful about charging into new relationships when you're at such an early stage x

This is all about you, not about him. You need counselling OP before you can have a long term stable relationship

I really appreciate what you're all saying. My friends have all said similar. I'm really struggling to step back from it though. If my new partner doesn't text me for a couple of hours I get panicky and think he's going off of me. I should be enjoying life but this is making me completely miserable and desperate even. I think maybe counselling could be a good way to go.

You got into this way too quickly.
You are clearly just not ready for another relationship yet.
Please do get some counselling.
Did you get support from Womens Aid or another DV support unit after the end of your abusive relationship?
If not, then please do call Womens Aid.
They can help you with specialist counsellors in your area.
Also enquire about their Freedom Programme. You really need to attend this course asap.

I'm sure no one will read this but if you do I thought you'd like to know. . . I stayed with 'the new guy'. We talked. I cried (a lot!!). But we're two years in now and absolutely, blissfully happy. It wasn't an easy road, my paranoia and lack of self confidence nearly destroyed us but he has been an absolute rock. He was in a serious accident last year and had to stay at mine to recover (he's a paramedic and was nearly crushed to death while trying to save a hanging victim). Broken his back and was bed ridden for months. We played backgammon for days on end and talked endlessly. He's amazing and once here, never left. We've lived together for over a year now and things are wonderful.

Aww It’s nice to see posts like this updated. Will be helpful for someone who is going through the same thing I imagine. Glad your happy and things are going well for you. Hope your partner has fully recovered!

Thanks for the update and glad things are going well for you xx

Trying not to be cynical but given that you now live together and he’s recovering from a serious accident (incapacitated), means that your being apart triggers haven’t been triggered. I hope all is truly well and your happiness is not just situational.

AgentJohnson...you tried to piss on her chips didn't you?!! Wtf?!

Well done op..good for you.

If I was you I would think to yourself about how you feel about your ex which I can bet is not that you still wand him and compare him to your new partner Then imagine if you were to find out or suspect your new partner was thinking you must still fancy your ex and that you compare him to your ex, then think how it would make you feel and how it would make you view your new partner. It’s not easy to break this cycle and that’s because the cycle came about because of how you were treated by your ex and it isn’t your fault you feel like this, but please try not to give in to these feelings because the thoughts are in your own mind and not what your new partner is thinking and then of course you don’t want to give any more of your happiness away to your ex because you deserve more and your new partner deserves to be judged on his own merits. I feel for you because I know how this feels and how hurt your feelings can feel because of what your insecure mind will conjure up to torture you with. Try to push these thoughts away every single time and replace them with positive thoughts and pay attention because otherwise you won’t notice all the positive things happening because you will be in anguish and feeling sad about things not even happening xx

Oh I hadn’t read the update but that’s so great cxxc

@malificent7

No, I really wasn’t and I do wish the OP well but if the jealousy was triggered by the partner’s absence, it’s not surprising that the jealousy has lessened when the trigger is removed. I hope I am wrong.