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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hurt by friend

17 replies

Honeybee79 · 05/03/2019 21:16

I know I'm being silly, I do. Please just give me some tips for getting over it.

I've worked with a colleague for years and we are friends out of work too. The last year has been a horrible time for me and I have been grateful for her support. I like and respect her a lot.

DH and I recently welcomed DD into the world and we wanted to ask my friend to be a guideparent/secular version of godparent. We wanted to make it clear that this wouldn"t be a huge time commitment or involve spending cash on our daughter etc, but just hanging out with her from time to time.

In part due to life events over the last year, I currently suffer from terrible anxiety and am very shy. I spend a great deal of time feeling worthless - I am working on this. Anyway, it took a lot of courage for me to ask my friend and I was extremely nervous about it.

She said no. She was perfectly nice about it and I do appreciate her honesty, I guess, but in a way the niceness makes it worse! I am so hurt. I know I am overreacting and being silly but I am gutted.

How do I process this and move on? Has anyone had similar? I have to see her most days of the week Sad.

Don't really know what I am asking. Any words of advice?

OP posts:
mrsshelby44 · 05/03/2019 21:18

What were her reasons?

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 05/03/2019 21:20

She is just over committed, is what she said, and has a few other godchildren. She is entitled to say no for no reason at all though.

OP posts:
BlueMerchant · 05/03/2019 21:36

Don't let this set you back. It's took a lot for you to ask and it's likely now set you back and affected your confidence and self-esteem.Anxiety is horrendous. Don't start ruminating about it. She said No. She was nice about it. Its nothing you have done. She can't invest as much time as she feels your daughter deserves.She respects you and wouldn't want to let you down by being a poor guide-parent so was honest. Don't let any awkwardness ruin a great friendship. This is about her time not a reflection of how she feels about you and your family.Flowers

auntsarent · 05/03/2019 21:37

I would also say no to any such request. Too busy and see no reason to formally commit to unrelated (to me) kids. Would be no reflection on my friendship at all, and I would feel guilty about it

lablablab · 05/03/2019 21:42

I totally understand why you're feeling hurt. Pretty shocked she said no. I'd be honoured if someone asked me to be godparent.

I guess if she doesn't want to do it though, then best she's honest. Might take a while for you both to get back to normal though.

pictish · 05/03/2019 21:45

Exactly what Blue said.
Truth be told I’d decline a friend’s request to be a God/guide parent too. I’d feel honoured and flattered to be asked but as Blue says, I couldn’t commit to anything like that as I already know I would be a let-down. I have three children of my own (as well as working with children in a job I love) and that’s my quota filled. I’d toil to find any more time or enthusiasm to fulfill this role, even nominally.

I’m sure your friend declining is not a reflection on you but on her suitability for the job.

Girlzroolz · 05/03/2019 21:48

You could turn this around in your mind, and decide to admire her for her response. You sound like you’re doing lots of work on yourself and improving your anxiety. Well, this woman sounds to have an assertive and diplomatic approach. She knows her time limitations and isn’t tying herself in knots to ‘people-please’. She trusts that being honest won’t ruin the friendship. These are great life-skills, and you could see her as a real ally and mentor.

Take this situation as a positive life lesson and move on. You’ll find someone else to be godparent, there’s really no hurry to pick someone if it’s not the religious version. One day you’ll most likely look back and realise your second pick was actually the best person, and that you’re grateful your friend declined. It’s certainly a better outcome than if she’d said yes to you, but didn’t have the time or interest to give to it. It can be a sign of a true and strong friendship to say no. It shows she respects you and your kid too much to lie, or get away with doing a lazy job just to avoid saying no.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/03/2019 21:49

Sorry you feel hurt OP, but better she is honest now than unable to commit should something happen down the line Flowers

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 05/03/2019 21:52

Thanks everyone. It helps to hear these comments.

I think it is particularly hard for me as it took so much for me to ask. I am rubbish at doing these things and had to really work up to having the conversation, and I do feel it has set me back a bit.

I don't want it to ruin our friendship or for things to be awkward, she is a lovely person, I just want to get past this without having to avoid her etc.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/03/2019 21:52

Great post Girlz. I agree with you.

OP you might not see it as Girlz describes today or even tomorrow but one day hindsight will tell you that her honest response was better than a yes out of obligation. Xx

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 05/03/2019 21:54

That is a good way to look at it GirlzRoolz.

OP posts:
snowdrop6 · 05/03/2019 21:55

I've 4 kids. And 2 godchildren..if I'm honest I wish I had ,had the bottle to say ( nicely) no..I take things like that very seriously,and I do my best to be a good goparent,I never say no to mind them or help out in any way I can.birthdays and Xmas I spoil them..but I absolutely would have to say no if another friend asked me to be her child's godparent,I've nothing left to give time wise..please don't be upset op..it's better she said no ,than said yes when she didn't want to x.

EustaciaVye · 05/03/2019 22:00

Sounds like she is actually being a very good friend to you, and not making a commitment that she cant keep or doesn't feel is right for her. She has had the guts to be honest about it upfront - not everyone would do that, and then they might just tail off or disappear or resentment might build.

I understand your anxiety but try and reframe the rejection, as actually your good friend is putting both her needs and yours first, in making the right decision for your daughter.

Anxiety is horrific so you have my sympathy x

2019willbegreat · 05/03/2019 22:17

Lost a huge post aaarrggg. Basically saying don't be offended and she is doing the right thing. You're first description of her was "colleague"....nothing wrong with that but probs how she sees you too. Sounds like she could be a great friend without spoiling your dynamic. I'd take that to be honest.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 05/03/2019 22:34

Thanks for the constructive comments. I know you are all right, I just need to give it a bit of time for the sting of the rejection to go and try not to let this set me back too much. Anxiety is indeed a pisser.

OP posts:
Musti · 05/03/2019 22:34

I would say no too. I've read people complaining about the godparents not doing much etc and I would have no time or inclination.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 06/03/2019 12:39

Thanks everyone for the helpful responses. It's good to get some perspective. I still feel pretty upset to be honest, but I guess it will get easier.

OP posts:
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