Body image

[MsJellyBelly]

Hello,

I’m hoping for some advice please.

I’m 41 and single for the first time in 15 years. I’m anxious about potentially entering the dating scene and having to expose my baby ravaged body to a new partner.

Friends say that I’m attractive, I’m a normal weight and feel confident in clothes but I had 2 emergency C sections and have one of those hideous C section overhang things! It’s not enormous but it’s noticeable. I wouldn’t wear a normal bikini (only a high waisted one). I also have a crinkly tummy just below my belly button.

My question is, is this going to appall a potential new partner in the bedroom? What about a partner who is younger and hasn’t dated a mother before?

I’m the kind of person who only wants to have sex when I’m (falling) in love with someone so hopefully the guy will see beyond it. I just don’t want them to be disgusted.

Any thoughts are really welcome.

I’m posting in Relationships because I’m interested in the opinion of people in a relationship or dating (rather than a ‘medical problem’ thread).

Thanks.

Depends on the man in question

Anyone mature won't be put off by that

IME men don't give a shit about scars, cellulite or anything else we fret over as being imperfections

That kind of obliviousness they have to household dust kind of carries over to their lover's bodies

It's great

I wish, with all my heart, that us women, whatever the body shape, would just be happy in themselves and not worry so much about what a bloke thinks of us. The right man will love you regardless of an “overhang”. After breastfeeding my boobs are very small and I sometimes look at them and go “ thank you” because I carried two amazing individuals who are now adults and was blessed enough to be able to breastfeed. I use to hate my boobs but after having worked in a setting where women came in for chemo and radiotherapy after being diagnosed with breast cancer, I can tell you I am greatful, even if my boobs are small and slightly wrinkly and if a man is going to turn me down because of my boobs I rather be alone. I bet you are beautiful so don’t beet yourself down. The right man will love you.

Thank you. Your posts have made me feel a lot better.

MsJellyBelly We have the same belly by the sound of it too, c section here as well (no one told me about the "overhang" until I had one...."oh that? yeah, you get them after a c section...great) Its been hard for me to love my body all my life really so know where you are coming from. I would say body confidence is very appealing thing to a partner, hard to imagine now for you I imagine, but maybe try some self confidence building. Look at the amazing things your body has done to get those scars, crinkles and marks. We all should try to be that someone that doesn't give a shit, and is open and honest about their body. After reaching 40 it's easier for me now. I am a great believer in open honesty in a relationship, no cover ups or hiding who you are, if you are open from the beginning, and they don't like your crinkles, and accept you how you are, they not good enough to be in your life.

I always remember that there was a girl at school who was obsessed that she had cellulite. She probably had a tiny, barely noticeable amount. But she went on about it so much that I began to associate her with it.

I could easily act body confident and completely ignore the overhang (it hangs over by about an inch) and hope that if I act like I’m cool about it then my partner won’t care either.

But a foolish part of me wants to acknowledge it and almost apologise for it. I shouldn’t do that should I??

Any man worthy of your time and sex will not be put off by an overhang.

If you start dating someone and you feel anxious about it, the absolute best thing to do would be to speak to him before you have sex and explain you feel self-conscious as you have loose skin as a result of your c sections. Gauge his reaction. If he kind of goes all frozen faced or responds (as per a thread on here a week or so ago) "I don't know how I'd feel about that, can you show me now?" then you know to throw that particular fish back in the sea! Most men - I'm honestly gonna say at least 80% - will tell you that they couldn't care less and they are attracted to all of you and that we all have flaws.

Some will respond with their own insecurities - that they are too hairy, or not hairy enough, or have a gross wart on their chest, inverted nipples, scarring, phimosis, you name it!

If you're still self conscious, maybe the first few times you get down with a new partner, wear something that covers that region - a deep suspender belt (I find these are like catnip for most men in their 40s and up), a basque which leaves your boobs both supported but open but holds everything in, a babydoll that comes down as far as your pubes. Then once you've DTD a few times, you can phase the underwear out as your confidence grows.

No you shouldn't apologise for it in the slightest. If you did that would set the whole dynamics of the relationship I would say. What would you be apologising for if you think about it, that your body might not be this impossible unrealistic image that gets painted as how we should look. Humans strive for the unattainable in most aspects of life, its drummed into us from children that we must conform to a set of standards. Who sets these standards in the first place? no one thats important, businesses that tell you you have an issue and here is our product you can buy, lining their pockets on our insecurities ( sorry for the orange box moment there ) We should say sod that.
If you think of the kind of partner you would want in life, you would want one that loves you for you as you are, then its best to be that person from the start, completely unapologetic for who and how you look. I suffered from anorexia at 19, after getting picked on at school, body image problems are awful. I was wearing 11 year old clothes as size 6 was too big, but still felt the same about myself, still hated what I saw in the mirror. So I came to the conclusion that I would feel the same no matter what, so instead of changing my body, chance how I felt about it. We are the same age too, so I can relate to our stage in life too, turning 40 for me was a huge relief in the end after dreading it, dont know why!
And like RiversDisguise said most men, proper nice men wouldn't take any notice and think you were gorgeous, if they don't, they not worth it, no one needs that kind of judgemental twat in their life.

I’ll be honest. My DP did cool off a little after he’d first seen me naked. His ex is slim and certainly doesn’t look like she suffered the same collateral damage as I did having kids, so I imagine it came as a bit of a shock to him tbh.

He admits that when we met he was quite shallow - he had lost a bunch of weight himself and been to the gym, so was at his fittest, and he actually said he’d been looking for someone “hot as fuck, to make the ex jealous” when we met. But that since he’d met me he realised that stuff wasn’t important and I had so much more to offer.

I know, it sounds terrible but I know he meant it as a compliment - it was a bit galling to hear all the same

Fortunately he has since realised how terrible that sounds, he always tells me I’m hot, beautiful, have a banging body etc (I don’t but I appreciate his enthusiasm!) and we’ve both put on a fuck ton of weight since we met but are still besotted 7 years later.

So my take on it is... yes some men may be put off by a less than flat stomach. Either they are dicks, they will walk and you deserve better, or they will realise that, no you’re not going to make it onto the front cover of Sports Illustrated, but that you’re pretty fucking fabulous anyway so who cares?! and will just get on with enjoying getting to know you.

FWIW we both still cover up and walk backwards to the bed so the other can’t see us naked, even though we’ve both clearly seen each other many times but we like to put on the charade that the other has no idea that we’re not physical perfection!

Some men will be put off and it's good if you manage to find that out before you sleep with them, so you can move on to someone worth your time and affection.

My body confidence was rock bottom but I met a man who thinks I am utterly gorgeous and loves every inch of me. I hope you do too.