Would you leave a 20 year relationship for no valid reason - inspired by another thread

[GingerFigs]

I’ve been with my DP for 20 years, no children. He is a kind and lovely person, but I am no longer in love with him. We haven’t had sex for about 5 years. We have a comfortable lifestyle but we live like house mates.

I am in a complete quandary trying to decide what to do. I feel like I don’t have a good reason to leave him. I have days where I happily go along with it and think ‘why rock the boat’ and other days (most days) where I feel like I’m treading water and my life is disappearing down the plug hole.

Bit of background for context....usual story in that the early years were good, we did lots of stuff together and had regular sex. Fast forward a few years through the hum drum of life and we have grown apart. We both do our own thing with our hobbies and friends.

We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 10 years (can’t believe it’s been that long!). Originally because of his snoring but gradually because I was also avoiding having sex with him. I feel terrible saying this as looking back now it must have hurt him terribly but every time he ‘tried it on’ I would say I’m too tired, or not in the mood or whatever. It just became easier to sleep in the spare room as then I didn’t have to turn him down every night. In hindsight I can see how crushing it must have been but at the time I just didn’t want to DTD. Occasionally I relented but hated it, did not enjoy it at all and just wanted it over with. I now cannot imagine having sex with him. I have no sexual feelings for him at all. This is a massive elephant in the room. We have never discussed it.

Deep down I feel like we should split up but when I go through it in my head my reasons all seem a bit pathetic. Yes he has his faults, but so do I. We never argue about anything so cracks don’t really show like that. He seems oblivious. He makes plans, talks about the fact we need to make a will. I don’t understand how he thinks our relationship is fine. Is he burying his head in the sand or can he really just not see it?

I don’t know what to do. I feel I would be throwing away a very long shared history and future security, for both of us, and creating a lot of upset, for no reason at all really.

And if I did leave him, how would I tell him?? Do I start dropping hints? Do I just drop it on him? Maybe he feels the same way and doesn’t want to be the one who says anything, or am I being naive?

I appreciate this topic has been done loads of times before so apologies but I guess everyone’s circumstances are a little different.

Any advice would be welcome.

Not having sex for 10 years is a valid reason for splitting.

Don't you think you'd both have the opportunity to have a happy sexual relationship with someone else if you were to split?

It's hard to break the inertia and change things, but this is your one and only shot at life, is this it for you?

OP you sound like me, except another few years down the line. My partner and I have recently split after 13 years, again, no children. We only started sleeping in separate beds after we split, but tbh there’d not been any spark there on my side at least, for several years.

It took us a long time to pull the plaster off, but for me it was the realisation that we both have another 40-odd years of this life and we are too young to write it off in this way. It is about his happiness as well as mine - we owe it to the other to be brave and take this leap. We are both so much happier already - living as flatmates (until we sell our house) rather than pretending to be a couple. I don’t regret our relationship - we’ve simply grown apart as a couple - so I don’t see it as writing off the past 13 years of my life.

I realise you have been unhappier for longer, but I would focus on the stability and comfort he has given you, and the parts of your relationship that you’ve valued the most.

The hardest part is that first conversation, but you may be surprised by how readily he agrees with you. Wishing you strength to have that discussion - I think you will find it is a weight off your shoulders.

PS - my ex-DP was like yours in terms of talking about the future. However, he had been feeling exactly as I had - it took me raising the subject for him to open up and be honest. Neither of us were really unhappy, just a feeling that it wasn’t right. It makes taking that leap harder, but immediately we felt much better. There have been tears of course, but I hope our friendship will endure. In fact, he has just cooked us dinner, which we sat and ate and chatted about our days - I realise that sounds a bit odd, but I really hope you can carve out a similar path.

I had been in a similar situation with my ex-partner. He dropped the bombshell on me. Hard at the time, mainly because of his behaviour. However in hindsight I wish I’d had the guts to do it years earlier. For so many reasons. I suspect you will find life has much more to offer you. Good luck

If you ended this marriage, it would not be for no valid reason. You OP lists plenty of reasons.

Talk, you may have a chance of separating amicably, as he may be feeling similar.

My question to you would be, have you talked to him, to see how he feels about things? He is not a mind reader, you say you both go about life, doing hobbies, going out with friends, you don't argue, why would he assume something is wrong? Please talk to him, be honest about the situation, and listen to his response, maybe there is a chance to turn things around, maybe not. But at least you can say you've aired your voice and know where your H stands and what he's thinking as well.

It makes it easier if there are no children. If you're sure, talk to him about it and see how he feels. He may feel the same but be reluctant to hurt you. There doesn't have to be any bad feeling; it sounds like it's just come to a natural end.

Thanks for your replies, all really helpful and I just need to hear it.

*Afreshstart and *Thisisnotwhatiwant thanks for sharing your situations, interesting to hear from both perspectives.

We haven’t talked about it all. I have no idea how to broach it

You can tell I’m usually a lurker as my attempt at bolding user names didn’t work

Write him a letter (don't post or give it to him) and write there everything you'd want to talk face to face with him about be clear but be kind: no recriminations.

If you feel that what is left between you is friendship and nothing more then say that to him. Then when you've sorted out, in the letter, what you want to say and it's clear in your mind, sit down with him and tell him. As others have said you may find he's been feeling the same way for a while. Good luck OP - I hope the conversation goes well.

Happynow that’s a really good idea, get my thoughts together first and hopefully it will be a better conversation

The lack of sex, affection and shared interests is most definitely a valid reason to split. Plus you don’t love him anymore so what more of a reason do you need?

outpinked when you say it like that it seems so obvious. I just worry that I’m going to ruin his life I got home tonight and he’d got me flowers and chocolates, I feel like a terrible person.

Well, to be a little blunt, don't you think that's a wee bit egotistical? People get over break-ups. If he's a decent man, he'll no doubt find someone else who wants to sleep with him and he can have a full and happy relationship with.

Nobody ever ends a relationship for no valid reason IME. Yours sounds terribly lonely, not only for you but for your husband as well. Sure, you could stumble on for the rest of your lives on your parallel tracks, but is that what either of you really wants?

There are many reasons for separating, there are no reasons to stay together. If you are avoiding sex, then there’s no point to this relationship. Familiarity is not an excuse to stay with someone.

Thanks for the replies.

category I completely take your point. He is a lovely person and I am sure he would find someone new who would appreciate him. I’m just worried about the hurt and shock I’m going to cause him, I am dreading seeing him upset (though he may be feeling the same way and this is his opportunity to find someone worthy of him).

Fetchez it is lonely, and I’m sure it is for him too. We do thoughtful things for each other but there is no handholding or kisses, and only occasional hugs

Itsall your last sentence pretty much sums it up

I think breaking up would be short term pain for long term gain for both of you, tbh. It is going to be painful and you probably will feel terribly guilty, but in the long run it will give you both the opportunity for more in life than drifting along.

I think staying in a relationship with someone you don't love is far more hurtful than letting them go and find someone who does love you. I spent years in a relationship with someone who didn't really love me and it crushed my self-esteem. Yes, it will hurt him for a while when you split, but he will have the chance to find someone new and be in a much happier relationship in the long term.

I know this sounds harsh but you are being selfish staying with him and letting him hope for more than you can give just because you don't want to have to deal with upsetting him.

In the end I had to split up with my ex-dp who I loved like mad because I just knew he didn't love me. It was only when I confronted him and left that he finally had the balls to admit it. I really wish he had done it sooner and saved us both years of hurt and misery.

category I think you’re right.

BiglyBadgers thank you for sharing your story. That sounds sad and really hard on you. And that is what I am doing to him