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Original poster

Struggling with STBXH's relationship with OW

11 replies

spritesobright · 05/03/2019 16:56

Just that. I don't love him anymore and I'm happy in a new relationship but I still find it so difficult that he's still with the Other Woman. He left in June last year and I found out about the affair a month later. I don't think I properly harnessed my anger then because I still wanted to save the marriage.

Two months later he had broken up with her to 'work on himself' and the possibility of reconciliation was revisited. Then I finally figured out that what he was offering wasn't enough and I filed for divorce in October. Almost straight away he was back with her.

I had the unfortunate experience of being 'pocket dialled' by him while he was on a luxury holiday with her last week and it was horrible hearing both their voices having this 'happy' conversation.

I know I don't want to be with him but it still makes me so sad and angry that he didn't want to work on our relationship after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids. And instead he's off pretending with this woman that what they did is somehow acceptable and normal.

I really want to move on to not giving a shit about him and her but how do I do that?

OP posts:
2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 17:07

Take consolation in the fact that she was always second choice. The fact he broke up with her to work on himself then got back with you cannot mean that she is the love of his life and his perfect woman. I take great pleasure in the fact that my stbxh moved in with her when I kicked him out. Split up with her. Then got back with her. Then worked his way back into my life. Then I kicked him out when I found out affair had restarted. All this over a period of 4 years. He would still be here if I hadn't asked him to go! I know he was telling me how he was so so happy to be back with me when he was still having an affair with her...what a man! Be grateful that you have got a liar and a cheat out of your life. Quite frankly the OW is welcome to him! (However in spite of all the opinion on here OW will never have an involvement in my childrens life)

Original poster
spritesobright · 05/03/2019 18:30

Thanks 2018 for your experience and insights. The problem with reconciliation though was that actually he didn't want to work on our relationship so I don't feel like he ever came back to me.

I suppose it's humiliating that I played the pick me dance and he still couldn't muster up any effort.

I know he's no catch nowbut we did have something special for a long time.

How are you preventing ex from meeting her kids? I'm dreading that as I know it's coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
spritesobright · 05/03/2019 18:33

Sorry, I meant from meeting your kids.

OP posts:
Angrybird123 · 05/03/2019 18:55

You can't prevent that I'm afraid. It's hellish and you have to rein in all sorts of anger, loathing and contempt but you don't have a choice assuming he has regular contact and there are no causes for concern. Be entirely cool, not friendly but not hostile. She's irrelevant to you. Xx

Original poster
spritesobright · 05/03/2019 20:01

Angrybird no, I don't think it's possible either. I did manage to delay it by warning him that it would be confusing and upsetting for the children early on.
I know it would be better for the DC if she's nice to them. Still, I hate the idea of her pretending to be nice knowing full well what she did.

OP posts:
Plahster · 05/03/2019 20:21

What a coincidence that the pocket dial was on his luxury holiday during a loved up convo, rather than during the much more common arsehole activities of having a seething row or taking a noisy dump.

I'd wager he manufactured a super loving conversation at his gf, who was probably relieved he was being nice to her (remember that perverse relief?) then deliberately called you, faking a pocket dial to show you what you're "missing".

You're missing smoke and mirrors. Go forth, be free and happy. 🎆

CloudsCloudsClouds · 05/03/2019 20:39

Plahster is right. He didn’t pocket dial you. Forget about him, he’s a loser.

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 21:09

My daughter doesn't want to meet her, i'm not going to encourage it. Don't think my xh vmcab force her to meet someone she doesn't want to.

Robin2323 · 05/03/2019 21:13

She is / was second best.
But none of it matters now.
Look after yourself Thanks

Original poster
spritesobright · 06/03/2019 08:09

Thank you for all the insights and flowers. The pocket dial reminded me of all the happy holidays we'd had but he is also a difficult/grumpy traveller.
I 'know' in my head I'm well rid of him. But my heart still hurts.
I do think it's fishy that he pocket dialled me but more annoyed they were on another continent and last month he cancelled a cenre parks holiday with our DC because it was too expensive.

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 06/03/2019 12:03

That would be annoying.
I'm 20 years on from all that malarky.

Looking back absolutely none of it mattered.

(Hindsight ).

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