I feel so lonely now exH has a girlfriend..

[debbie1990]

Two DC together, both pre school aged, and we split a year ago (although still legally married).

We split as he was emotionally abusive, spent all the family money on himself and I was so miserable. I 1000% do not want him back and don't have feelings for him anymore.

Since the split I have been really enjoying my time "alone" and when the DC go to bed I love to have whatever I want for dinner, watch what I like etc. I don't think I have actually cried once since the break up I knew from day 1 it was for the best and have felt a weight lifted.

So why now since last week with exH telling me he has been seeing someone and feels it's getting "serious" do I suddenly feel so lonely. I've dramatized it all in my head but already picturing a them vs me on my own scenario. I don't want him back and half feel sorry for her as he can be very charming at first but has a very nasty side. Just hearing he has found someone and picturing their relationship has made me feel so isolated and lonely and it's hit me hard that his life is back to what it was before with work, a girlfriend and the best bits of the DC but I'm sat here alone every night with all the mundane parts of parenthood like packed lunches and nursery runs.

Will this pass?

It’s not rational thinking and you just need to refocus on you and what makes you happy. Perhaps you are ready to get out there again now a year has passed.

I know how you feel, me and my exp split just over a year ago, 2 DC, together since we were 15. I admit it's been hard and he's told me he has got a girlfriend and asked me if it's ok to introduce the children to her, after 2 months! I said I thought it was too early, but he said the way he feels about her, he know it's right.
I can't help feeling that, that is how everyone feels at the start of a relationship, but once it settles down you either know you've made the right choice or they are not what you thought.
I did feel upset especially finding out her took her away for her birthday, as he never really did anything like that for me.
But now I feel like, I know if we got back together it probably would be good for a bit, but then would slip back so easily.
I don't think it's him I miss, I think it's just the family part I miss, and it's so easy to think about the good times you had, but once you remember the bad times, you feel that the right decision has been made.
I start University in January, so I'll be so busy then, it's just getting through these next months that's hard.

Layza our circumstances sound so similar. We were also together from a young age so I have not really known much else. I feel exactly the same it isn't him at all that I miss but I feel sick at the thought of him having a family with our children and his GF. I know it's obvious eventually we would both move on but it's hit me harder than expected.

In terms of me moving on I don't feel like it's the time for me. The DC don't stay with him (or anyone else) overnight for a few reasons which may be quite outing, which leaves me limited as my only time away from the DC is when I am at work and one weekend day when they are returned for tea. I don't feel like I am ready to move on and do just want to focus on the children just have moments of feeling so isolated.

Just luxuriate in the peace and quiet, no rows, no atmospheres, no one trying to control you.

Debbie yes, we will eventually move on and we'll look back and think how ridiculous we sound.
I think also as he's moved on got someone and I haven't I feel stuck in a way, but it is nice having no-one to answer to, even though he does still try and tell me what's best.
Also the worst is when he said 'don't worry, you'll find someone and be happy too' GTF

Yes totally. I am looking forward to the day I am happy and settled (be it single or in a new relationship), knowing that it's likely the same behaviours he showed me he will continue elsewhere and likely relationships won't last.

2 months is definitely too short of a time, I'd wait atleast 6 months until wanting to introduce a BF. exH hasn't talked about introducing yet. Praying he feels the same I feel the DC have been through enough change without seeing partners come and go!

I'm further down the road than you. Me and my ExH split nearly 3 years ago but, for various reasons, are only talking about divorce now. Within 6 months of us splitting he was with someone new, I'd blocked him on all social media but he whatsapped me and had him and her as his profile pic. So he had his shiny new job and home and his new woman while I was left picking up the pieces. We don't have DC so at least I didn't have that to deal with, but I'd say it took me 18 months to get over his abuse etc.

Fast forward to now and we are conversing over email re the divorce. He's lost the girlfriend, hates his job, his rent is too expensive he says. It was all "woe is me" which is so typically him! I realised his life will always be that way because that is who he is. Meanwhile I am thriving and very happy.

Debbie Oh me too, I can't wait!! I think 6 months is more realistic, 2 months you're right in the honeymoon stage, so it may cloud his judgement a bit.

Asta I'm so happy that you are thriving, it must be an amazing feeling. I'm hoping I start to feel that way once I start Uni. But it's so good that you are out of that relationship, where he seems to be on a very different path to you

You will thrive. My ex has a new girlfriend and she is very nice. We meet quite regularly (shared custody) and she does drop things into our conversation - totally innocently - and I shudder for her. Wish I could tell her really, but she's in the love bombing stage atm.
Just think of all the horrid mannerisms, habits & abuse and thank your lucky stars you are free of it now.

Layza101
You will feel that too, I can promise you that. The fact your ex thinks he "knows" he's with the right person after two months just shows that he is not viewing the relationship in a healthy way. And after the high, always comes the crash. Always.

When these types of guys meet someone new it does hurt. You know that they are telling someone else all the loving things they told you. The new gf is seeing their "mask" of being a loving and caring person. The new gf is getting all the best bits of the man who made your life hell. But the mask will slip and they will realise why the man they are with hasn't been able to make a relationship work before!

I remember once finding a note from my ex's ex, the one before me. It was clear from the note that she'd run away one day while he was out at work. I even asked him and he admitted it was true. And still stupid me stayed with him! So I know he will always be that way. I just often remind myself that I am lucky, I got away. He has to live with being him forever.

I know how you feel, it's really strange isn't it?! I was with my husband for over 20 years, childhood sweethearts. Most of my memories include him. My friend told me she had seen his profile on a dating app and I died a little bit inside. I definitely do not want him back either!! Just remember you are not with him for a reason. Although there were good times there were the bad ones too. It's been a year since we spilt and as soon as I heard he was on the dating scene I felt like it had become a race. So I had to stop myself from joining a dating site. I don't feel ready myself and all my time is spent with my boys so I don't want to commit myself to anything that would take that time away from my children. I don't have any free time as he refuses to have them. His reason partly is so I am not out 'seeing men while he babysits', I know don't get me started! I have never been more content and have found myself again and continue to do so. I forgotten what I enjoy and what things i like without having to consult or answer to anyone. For now I am happy making new memories with just my boys. Wish him good luck and leave them to it. Keep going!!

Ah you are all so lovely!

The comment about the mask really got me. It's so so true, I remember being the naive new girlfriend who thought he was too good to be true, as I got to know him more I started to get glimpses of the real him and now all these years later I know 90% of the things he ever told me were just lies to make himself sound better and hook me in.

I don't miss him at all as a person and wouldn't in a million years take him back but it just makes me feel more alone as a parent if that makes sense. When we were both single he would ask how the children were or call them in the evenings but that fizzled out over the last few weeks and they hear from him at all inbetween contact which I now know is because he is busy smooth talking the new lady!