My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We have her 8 year old girl and a 4 month old baby.
I moved into the house after 18 months. 1 year later I bought her ex-husbands share of the house. We are just finishing up a garage conversion which gives us more room.
For a long time, my partner and I go once a month with an argument. It usually has something to do with me, or my family!
With me, she feels I have kept her in a box and not fully integrated her into my small friend network. I've always been the shy type, I don’t go out drinking or do events. I like the tv on to relax - im not a couch potatoe - infact before I met my partner I used to spend a lot of time doing fitness in the AM and evenings. But I stopped all that when I started staying over with my partner because it would mean either waking up early and going to gym - therefore waking up her daughter too early. Or, doing in the evenings - and not seeing them until gone bed time. So I stopped. I also stopped watching football on tv over the weekends so we could do family stuff.
My partner has always had issues with anxiety and lack of trust - her ex-husband had a lot of affairs that came to light after an accident put him in hospital and his phone access was needed! My partner was married to him - although she says when walking down the isle she never wanted to go through with it. But she did….! And stuck with him for years to help him recover - then finally took the leap to leave him when he had recovered.
Over the years we've had our arguments. One of the main ones was that my best friend was female - I'd known her for 15 years. My partner thought she was very attractive and always had suspicions there was something more to us, especially since the early days we dated I sometimes went there for dinner and movie once a month. So I stopped seeing my best friend, lost contact. But my partner still to this day doesn’t believe it was platonic. She always think there was some sort of feeling.
Other arguments tend to be around my family - I am indian, and my partner is not.
She feels my mum is controlling because on Sundays she would invite everyone around for roast dinners - so kid swould be there. And everyone can just 'relax and kids get on with it'. But my partenr felt that was her way of taking control of everyone. Becayse my parents also look after my two nieces every week day. My parents love to do it, to help out as child care is costly. But my partner sees it as controlling.
A big argument came when, to set the scene - one day, we told my mum that tomorrow our eldest was with her dad. When the next day came, my mum sent a text to my partner saying along the lines 'did she go to her dads? Do you want to me look after baby so you can go out?' - my partner read this as my mum not evening caring to mention looking after the eldest - just her granddaughter. She saw red. And felt a divide had been created and that was it - that my mum only cared about baby and me. Not her and her daughter. I tried to argue the toss but she wasn’t having it.
My parents don’t often come to our house. They don’t live far but my dad is primary carer for my nan. With looking after two kids too - travel to us not always easy. But my family have said a few things that has my partner very anxious about wanting people around:
• For the garage conversion my dad asked if we going to get the carpet replaced in the lounge.
○ My partner thought that was his way of saying he didn’t like the carpet and we should get laminate.
§ I didn’t hear this, but months later I questioned that to my parents - and my dad said he was trying to be subtle because he was hoping we would say yes, so he could surprise us with paying for it. He wanted to gift us something.
â—‹ My brother visited us at xmas when we had a tree in the lounge. When he recently visited he said, we have loads of room now there is no tree.
§ My partner took this as insult, saying that our lounge isnt big enough - our house isnt big enough.
§ He also kept his jacket on when with us, so my partner saw this as 'he cant wait to leave
â–¡ But I questionned that - and he said he drove his car for 2 hours with no air con, so was freezing!!
â—‹ My friends, and I only have two close friends - live relatively close. And after 3.5 months of new baby, they only just met baby. I have tried to get a date booked with them but it's so difficult and then we've had abundance of illnesses going around.
§ Our baby has an underactive thyroid. I told one my friends that, and when they mentioned it my partner later said she was surprised they knew because I didn’t tell her that I told him. I was a bit shocked that I needed to relay that back to her…..
â—‹ Phone use at home - when I get home, I always put my phone on the cabinet and leave it there until bed time. I never use my phone at home. My partner however is religiously on hers. Mine never goes off, because I have synced to apple watch - so the watch vibrates.
§ My partner pointed out that when it comes to bed time I am only ever on whatsapp at bedtime when she out the room getting ready for bed. I point out that I never use my phone, I only looked at it at bedtime - and unlike her, I don’t have my phone out constantly because I prefer her company.
□ My partner however sees that I am hiding something - because she has eperienced all this before with phone secrecy. But I have none! I just don’t use my phone as much as her.
○ We were recently watching a documentary on netflix - its called Dirty John - about man that keeps secrets and a bigamist. He has whirlwind romance with rich lady, and they get married after 2-3 months. And then he becomes possessive and stalkerish. He alienates the mom from her kids. And then tries to take control of her finances….! We watched that which stars Eric Bana. It’s based on a real life story, because after watching it we then watched the actual documentary on it.
§ My partner and I then got talking about past relationships. I told her that id only ever dated 2 people. I know all about her past, proposed to a few times, married once. But she says she doesn’t know much about my past like that.
§ She was very cold with me the morning after. It was because of that brief chat - she said I was so closed off that she thought I only ever had 1 girlfriend. But I pointed out that I had one at late teens that last a few weeks. And then later in life late 20's, I dated someone for 6 months - maybe less. But it was long distance. It was a non-event. I didn’t describe it properly but said it was just convenience. I shot myself there. Because that’s not what I meant - I meant we starting talking and got on well and it evolved to being in a relationship. What I should have said, is that its like catfish - expect we had met. But it was long distance and nothing more and never going anywhere. We slept together once and that was it. And it just came to natural end.
§ My partner felt I had lied about my past like that. She has a good memory for recalling. And says she only ever thought I had one - so I was like, depends on how you classify a teen relationship that last weeks so ended up being non-event.
§ But it comes down to her thinking I am keeping her in a box and she doesn’t know my world all that much.
○ Early in life my partner tragically lost her mum and left with physical and mental scars. Trust and communication is important to her as if family. She has one biological brother that she doesn’t see much and who isnt very healthy. She has foster family not far away and very close to them.
§ I have two brothers, and cousins - all living within 15 minutes drives from us. So I have a lot of family around. My parents don’t really do big gathering with cousins, just usually my brotehrs and their family. But my partner has always referred to that as 'your lot' - but I remember that term originally came from her describing how indian families tend to be large.
§ I also remember watching a bakery show - she immediately singled out the indian woman and said I don’t like her!
§ We also had a topic conversation about a crime that was committed. And the culprit was indian. However, my partner wasn’t talking to me at the time but when she said 'and that person was indian' she turned and pointed at me, like to make a statement. I was like - WTF does that mean.
§ My mum tries to help as much as she can - giving that she has my nieces and nan to look after. So asks if we can visit them at their house as it's easier. My partner takes offence to that, thinking they don’t like our house so will never come around. They do, sometimes - but not a lot as cant leave nan alone for too long. But I have always felt that because my mum offers help, asks about us - I always have this impression that she hates the fact I have a mum that is loving and caring - and here! Because she has always said about her mum, that she had many faults. Many! A lot! So I feel there is resistance on her part to accept my mum, and instead just find fault with everything.
This morning we had a big argument which was what I mentioned above about my 2 past relationships. My partner thinks im still hiding stuff - so when she kicked off again I just left for work. Which is where I am now writing up all this!
I'm not hiding anything, and always try to be open. But I feel my partner has such a big problem with her anxiety that it's causing us to fall out more than it should.
I should add that with all the moments above, and there are others too - my partner is a self confessed hot head. She losses her tempter first before 'seeing the light'. She isnt physical, just very verbal and I've faced a lot of that heat - even for leaving cup of water bedside!
This is no doubt a lot for you to digest but I'd welcome all your thoughts and any advice on what I…we could do next?
Have to admit, I am feeling that I cant take anymore of her verbal temper.