Laziness or loveless

[RLOU30]

I need some advice please. Have been with my partner for over 4 years and we have one DS who is 9months old. My parter is 5 years younger than me (I am currently 31) and didn’t want to go ahead with the pregnancy as he felt he was too young but stood by me and is now glad he is here. He adores him.

Our DS hasn’t been the “easiest” baby (I know no babies are easy) reflux, colic still wakes 3-4 times a night and the pressure has really been on. I have struggled with anxiety for years but it has recently peaked and I have sought medical help and am on medication. I’m probably not a bundle of joy at the moment but I really try to keep everything together.

I do 100% of the cleaning, washing, cooking everything. He hasn’t used the washing machine ever and 9 months down the line hasn’t washed or sterilised 1 bottle. I make all of our babies foods and buy everything DS needs (granted he pays his way).
So as not to drop feed, he works very long hours and is a proper grafter so whilst I wasn’t at work I was happy to do everything I could to support him but he doesn’t lift a finger on the weekends either. Throughout my pregnancy he never cooked me 1 dinner and one day after my emergency C section I was doing the hoovering. I’m not trying to be a martyr, I like things clean and I appreciate everyone doesn’t want to wash up as soon as they have a meal but he literally does nothing.
I’ve moaned and nagged and he has promised but never stepped up.
It’s now got to the point that I am being the “bad guy” for getting on at him about it but being back at work and looking after my son, dog and him is tough. The toughest thing though is the fact that he doesn’t want to change his lazy ways and help me. So, I guess I’m asking do you think he is lazy or do you think he just doesn’t give a shit.
Thanks to anyone who bothered to read !

He shares the nightfeeds with me but says He is doing it for me and I say no he is your son your not doing it for me your helping with our son. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t see it.

Both lazy and does not give a shit. He may supposedly adore his child (and your son probably carries his surname as well) but he does not love or respect you as this child's mother. Such selfish kidults as well promise much but deliver little or in your case nothing.

Why is your own relationship bar so low here it is practically non existent?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would also think it a given his mother did the same as you are now doing i.e. running about like a blue housefly whilst he and his dad just sat there and let her get on with it. I would not put it past him either to do any one task at home so badly that you would never ask him to do it again; he sees the child and housework as your primary responsibility and not his ever. He is disrespecting you by doing this. You are not a team here and he is looking after number 1 i.e. his own self.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what needs of yours here are still being met?. Would you want your son as an adult himself to treat his partner or spouse like this, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. I would think too that your anxiety levels are further increased by his behaviours at home which your child will pick up on too.

Such men too do not change, you can only change how you react to him. I would look at your relationship as a whole because your legal position is very poor here indeed and you are financially vulnerable.

You are looking after two children and a dog; your 'partner' is nothing of the kind.
He's a lodger with benefits. Time to get rid.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. My son has my surname.
You are correct about his mother. She did everything for him and if I do anything in life it will be to raise my son very differently. I don’t think I’m getting any of my needs met I just don’t know how I’ve let this go on for so long. I guess I just hoped he would mature and “grow up” but I don’t think it’s ever going to happen is it.

Both/either. Doesn’t matter really as the bottom line is he is not likely to change.

Love is respect. When you love someone and your family you pull your weight in life, it's not 'helping' it's being a fully functioning adult in lifework as well as paid work. This man shows you no respect at all or his son. I really hope you are going back to work and NOT part-time. You need to go back FT and make plans to leave this man because he doesn't give a shit about either of you. He's not a 'good dad' and doesn't 'adore' his son because he doesn't do FA for him or his mother.

He will never change.

I am back at work 3 days a week because I’m lucky enough to have the support of an amazing mother. I will go back to full time gradually but my son still isn’t sleeping and I’m exhausted- that’s life, I know.
Financially I was privileged enough that my mum but a down payment of over £10,000 to cover our rent for a year off work. I had a total placenta priviea and pregnancy was difficult huge bleeds so was in and out of hospital on bed rest etc. I’m now back at work determined to pay my mum back bit by bit but whilst he has had the benefit of free rent (he paid the bills) he keeps all the money he has separate from me. Even if I need to borrow money for things for his son he keeps a tally of it to be returned. If it wasn’t for me and my mum looking after his child he wouldn’t be able to work and earn money. I thought once our DS was here and I gave up work to look after him that all money would be family money. Isn’t that how people do things?

This isn't a family. This two unmarried people with a child and one of the parties of the firm belief that all of that's his is his and what's yours is his, too. So unless you can 100% support yourself and your child working 3 days/week, you are making yourself VERY vulnerable here. He is not interested in being a family in any way. Sorry, but this won't change. Only a total twat would see paying for his child as a fucking loan.

He doesn't 'adore' this child, he doesn't even put a roof over his head or food in his belly.

You are being used.

Whose name is the lease in? Because if it's yours then I'd give him his marching papers and take him to CMS, then he has to pay for his child without some ridiculous loan and you have half the mess to deal with.

As it is, I'd stop doing a fucking thing for him. NOTHING.

He's a selfish manchild. These people don't change IME.

I know all of this it’s just so upsetting as this wasn’t what I envisaged as my future. I want better for my son. I’m so worried about being a single parent but when I think of it I already kind of am.

I just needed people to tell me how fucking stupid I’ve been.

You'd be much better as a single parent as he'd have to pay maintenance for his child, not a sodding loan! What a mean-spirited arsehole! You'd also have one less person making a mess and get a single-person's council tax discount. He's adding nothing to your life besides stress and financial control. Bollocks to that. Is the tenancy in your name? If so, you can tell him to get out. Look at childcare and help with childcare options and go back to work FT. Take him to CMS so he pays up for his kid.

Stupid would be to continue staying with this tight-fisted, mean-spirited arsehole, it's a total waste of time. No more 'looking after' him. He's a fucking adult. 'This isn't working. We're splitting up. You need to move out.' And mean it. Fuck his excuses, he's trying to charge YOU for stuff for his own kid?! What kind of fuckwit does that?

Stupid would be to at all continue any sort of relationship under the same roof with this selfish manchild.

Better to be on your own with your son than to remain so badly accompanied.

Just chuck him out! You haven't got the time to be dealing with this. I wonder what your dm thinks?

Be warned, too: selfish manchildren like this don't want to let go of their meal ticket/bedwarmer/housekeeper/skivvy. They'll tell you they'll change if you stop 'nagging', they have nowhere to go with the dog (there are B&Bs and short-term holiday lets that will take pets until he gets a lease, and hey, not having paid rent means he has money stashed), blah blah blah. It's all bullshit to stall and buy themselves more time in Cushy Land.

It's not his mother's fault. Or his dad's. He's 26-years-old and a father.

I grew up in a house where I didn't have to do anything. Guess what? I learned just fine! All on my own! I didn't need Him Indoors to teach me or make a rota or chivy me because I'm an adult, not a dog. Not hard skills to learn and nothing to do with what genitalia you have between your legs.

The tenancy is in both our names but expires in 3 weeks. I’m considering moving in with my mum for the short term until I get back on my feet. She spends most of her time at her partners or looking after my DS anyway. It just feels like such a shit thing to have to do I feel like a fauluire. I used to be so independent before going on maternity leave. I was the high earner and the sociable one and now I’m a nagging mother who rarely uses a blusher brush :(
Thanks everyone for helping x

As others have already said, he won't change. It's a comfy life for him.
On the plus side you may find he becomes a better father when you split up as he will have to be more proactive to keep the relationship between him and his child going

Onwards and upwards OP! Things can only get better! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! (And other motivational sayings!)

You're not a failure! Realizing you are being taken advantage on and then acting to make a change is the opposite of being a failure. You are a good mum to your son, you're young enough that will soon be able to get back on top of your career. You haven't done anything wrong here. And now you have a perfect opportunity with your lease ending. Just go.

advantage of that should be. doh!

Perfect timing to break away! You are not a failure. A failure would be wasting more time on this person, because he's done nothing but show you how he really feels, actions speak louder than words. You were pushing a hoover round after a CS for placenta previa and he didn't give a shit, just remember that! He considers paying for his kid a loan. I mean, WTAF?

Don't consider moving to your ma's for a bit, DO IT. Just tell her, I'm sure she already knows.