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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'Love you but not in love' - death knell right?

22 replies

pockledigg · 05/03/2019 04:43

So my partner of just over a year came out with this last week. We've had a very stormy time of late and he is very low (about us and other things in his life). He's seen how I've reacted to this news and he's kind of backtracking - 'I'm not in love with anything at the moment, l'm not in love with life', but he's not actually said that he didn't mean it.... So, I'm thinking that I need to end things - I've never 'fallen back in love' with anyone ever (he wants to continue). Any advice please? Anyone else come back from this?

OP posts:

BlueFox101 · 05/03/2019 04:57

About 3 years into mine and DH relationship I had a little wobble like this. And now it's 11 years later and we're married. We talked through it and worked it out. Maybe it's worth doing the same? If you think it's worth it...

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2019 05:29

Your thinking is right.
Why would you even want to be with someone who is not IN love with you?
And we all know this is the 1st part of the cheaters script.
Run now. Save yourself.

TokyoSushi · 05/03/2019 05:34

Just a year in is too early for stormy times and the not in love malarkey, I'd be looking to move on.

Mysterycat23 · 05/03/2019 05:34

1 year isn't very long really. So yeah, run. It's too early for that type of shite.

category12 · 05/03/2019 06:15

Oh, if he's saying this at a year in, get out. It should still be in the honeymoon period, not doubting feelings and making you feel uncertain. Not worth it, cut your losses.

That's the sort of thing you say ten years in (while having an affair).

AnyFucker · 05/03/2019 06:32

Pretty much. Sorry.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/03/2019 12:08

Agreed to step one of the cheaters script. It is a thinly veiled mandate for you to participate in a perpetual “pick me dance”.

You are spot on in that it’s over.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/03/2019 12:18

How on earth did he expect you to react?

He's either messing with your head and 'testing' you, or as others have said, he's at the start of The Script.

Either way, you're better off out of it. Sorry.

downcasteyes · 05/03/2019 12:20

I don't think we can tell, from your post.

It sounds to me as though your DP is depressed. You say he's low about a lot of stuff. It's not unusual for depressed people to feel affect-less, and disconnected from emotion. If this is the case, he needs to seek help by seeing his GP/talking to a counsellor.

However, it could also be that the relationship has run its course. It's not even an either/or - it could be an 'and'. However, I'd be tempted to try treating the depression as depression and then see if things improve. For a relationship of a year, though, I'm not sure it's worth your while to wait around forever.

Original poster

pockledigg · 05/03/2019 18:22

Thanks to everyone who has answered. Yes, I'm pretty sure that he's depressed. He looks unwell. Winter gets him very down anyway and he's has big problems with his career right now. His eating and sleeping seems chaotic. I've said that I will stick with him throughout but that I need to know that he loves me (which to be fair he says he does, he's just not 'in love' with me). He uses the word 'disconnected' to describe various aspects of his life (including me). He says that he needs 'space to sort his head out' and that he feels 'numb'. BUT I'm not strong enough to hang around to see whether he falls in love with me again (which is what he's asked me to do, whilst telling me that there are 'no guarantees'). It's all very sad.

OP posts:

headinhands · 05/03/2019 18:29

This is going to torture you to fuck. I'd ask for some space.

Haworthia · 05/03/2019 18:34

TokyoSushi is spot on. A year is no time at all and it’s already so fraught? You don’t need this in your life.

BUT I'm not strong enough to hang around to see whether he falls in love with me again (which is what he's asked me to do, whilst telling me that there are 'no guarantees'). It's all very sad.

That is fucked up. He wants you to hang around pining while he figures out whether he wants to be with you, and has the gall to say “but, y’know, I might decide no”.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You don’t need these ridiculous mind games. Depression isn’t an excuse to treat you like shit.

HollowTalk · 05/03/2019 18:39

He wants space so let him have space.

If he's depressed you should encourage him to see a doctor and a counsellor, but given he doesn't love you in the way you want, then you can still leave him.

ConfCall · 05/03/2019 18:42

I'm sorry that he's ill (and I believe he is, from your description) but it's a short term relationship and you're better off out of it. If you'd been together for ages and had kids I'd advise counselling, GP etc etc but not in this case. Cut your losses.

Rabblemum · 05/03/2019 18:49

No couple stay "in love" for very long, it's a form of temporary, fun insanity.

Really when you "fall out of love" the honeymoon period you have to decide if it's worth carrying on with. He sounds depressed and in need of help, if he doesn't help himself and continues to just take his problems out of your relationship you may have to call it a day. Don't let a moody man take out his issues on you, we all know about mental health now and we're all responsible for our own. You can be each others shoulder to cry on but don't let it go too far.

By the way, if your man needs space, give him space, you'll have space to catch up on friends, hobbies and family you probably need space too. Also talk about this relationship with a very blunt friend, check this is reasonable person to make sure it's not abusive, abusers use terms like "depressed" so they can get away with bad behaviour.

carrotflinger · 05/03/2019 20:10

Yes, I'm pretty sure that he's depressed. He looks unwell. Winter gets him very down anyway and he's has big problems with his career right now. His eating and sleeping seems chaotic

I had 5 years of this. Always the same old story. It doesn't get better - believe me.

BUT I'm not strong enough to hang around to see whether he falls in love with me again (which is what he's asked me to do, whilst telling me that there are 'no guarantees'). It's all very sad.

So don't hang around. I did this twice with my ex and he came back each time love-bombing etc. Then the same thing again.
Basically he was in love with alcohol and wanted to be free to pursue other women while having me hanging on so he'd always have stability.
I wish I had kicked him into touch the first time he came out with this crap.

Split up with him and get on with your own life and see what happens but don't wait for him to decide to fall in love with you. Ridiculous man.

I'd like to bet he's seen someone else he fancies and wants to see what develops there while having you hanging on as a fall back plan.
Sorry to be blunt OP. I've been there and it is awful.
Find someone else who is really into you and if you do and DP turns up declaring his undying love again tell him to do one. I missed out on a great guy because of doing this.

crazyhead · 05/03/2019 20:20

Before you got into a relationship, would you have put ‘depressed, needy bloke who says he isn’t in love with me’ on your wish list for a man? Doubt it. Of course we might all battle this scenario many years intp a marriage, but you should still be at the looking at what you are picking stage and this sounds miserable. What is in this for you? Xx

HollowTalk · 05/03/2019 20:30

No couple stay "in love" for very long, it's a form of temporary, fun insanity.

Completely disagree.

Original poster

pockledigg · 06/03/2019 04:55

Thanks again to everyone - your opinions have really helped. I have ended it. He apologised and said that he wishes he was 'in a better place' but sees where I'm coming from. He said that he blames himself for messing up our relationship. We will remain friends/in contact. I feel better already (although sad) - like a weight has been lifted.

OP posts:

maras2 · 06/03/2019 05:08

LellyMcKelly · 06/03/2019 05:18

Well done. If you are going to keep in contact keep it low and remain detached. Don’t get drawn into a friendship that’s a loose parody of your relationship but without the benefits.

Original poster

pockledigg · 06/03/2019 12:44

Thank LMcK - this is something that I will need to watch. A mix of feeling sorry for him (and me) and missing him will leave me at risk of this. Ordinarily I'd avoid contact for a few weeks but we have a couple of prearranged things that we have both committed to.

OP posts:

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