husband has left

[BuxomWenchOnAPony]

My husband of 10 years, together for 18, has left me and my 2 dds. He has apparently been having an affair of sorts at work and says he is in love with this woman. She has left her two young sons and husband. He has turned into someone I don't recognise - we've had a difficult time recently, but I never doubted that he loved me. He is sobbing constantly when he calls the girls but just keeps telling me that it's gone too far, that he's made a mess of it and can't go back.
Part of me is angry, but I accept some responsibility for the way our relationship has gone - we've both been working so hard and dealing with family drama and we lost sight of each other. I always believed that was just temporary though, that we were still solid.
I know him and I know that the things he is saying and the way he is saying them is not him. I believe he's having a nervous breakdown/midlife crisis. He won't talk to any of his family or friends about what is happening. He says things like 'it'll all be fine, these things happen and people get on with their lives after separation'.
I have worked in two part-time jobs so that I can be around for the kids while he works 12-18 hour days in his stressful job. I can't work, I haven't slept or eaten for days. I got some Valium from the doctor, but the minute it wears off I feel like I've been hit by a train. The children are lost - they are trying to be so brave, but they are feeling the same physical pain as me. All of our friends and family are in disbelief - he is literally the last person you would imagine doing this.
I want to hate him - he's leaving me penniless and potentially homeless to deal with the children's pain. But I just don't believe this is what he wants. Apparently he told his mum he hasn't even been able to have sex with this woman he is so in love with because he feels so guilty about me. I can't believe that she would walk away from two little boys. I am so frightened and in so much pain. I can't see a life where me and my girls have to move away from the place we live (I could never afford to live in this area), away from everything they know. I can't make them understand what is happening - they love us both so much and this is killing them and me. I love him so very much. I have support from other family members, but I don't want them I just want him to stop doing this. The crushing pain in my chest won't stop. My youngest daughter is vomiting with the pain. My oldest is bereft. I am trying to say all the right things to them - that daddy loves them still, that he'll be around etc - but they just can't process what is happening. It's like he's a stranger. He's just run away from all his responsibilities here - his elderly, frail mother is in bits. His daughters are in screaming agony. He won't talk to any of his friends or his brother because he knows they'll tell him he's messed up. He just keeps repeating the same things like a robot. I can't give my girls the life they deserve.
It's like watching them being tortured. I feel so afraid and alone.

Hey OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think you need to sit down with him and talk things through thoroughly because he owes it to you to give you his reasons for his actions at the very least. You could suggest couples counselling or changes, but if he really is fully set on leaving, and won’t change his mind, then I think you will just have to embark on the long, hard journey of acceptance, know it’s him and not you, and try to move on with your life. There are so many single mothers absolutely rocking it, you have your family and friends who will give you lots of support, and I also suggest you attend therapy/counselling sessions so you can offload and have some ‘you’ time away from the kids. Everything works out in the end, and time is a healer. I know this doesn’t help the pain you’re currently going through... but unfortunately you can’t change others peoples’ minds. So sorry xxx

just try and hang on for the kids.
You can come back from this but either you need to reach deep inside and find your inner woman.
Agree you need to sit down together and calmly talk things through.

Apologies for the numbers but there are several points I want to comment on :

1. He's NOT having a breakdown or a midlife crisis - he's having /had an affair .
2. It IS him - he is just wanting a different life now so behaves differently 3. He WON'T be leaving you penniless or homeless - he's not allowed to in the law.
3. This IS what he wants - he is telling you that . Listen to him .
4. Of course you feel afraid and alone - any woman who has been in this position will tell you that ( including me ) and yes it does bloody hurt physically but it's not forever .
5. He won't talk to any of his family as he feels GUILTY but cannot allow himself to show it or in case he is talked out of it .

I'm sure your post will get lots of helpful comments later today . I'm sorry this has happened to you but you will get over this . I assume this is very early days ? I won't lie - it takes a long time but you will get there . You're fearful just now but it won't be long before you get angry and then you will have a different perspective .

This is devastating but penguin above is right. He feels terrible at leaving you and girls but hes made the decision to do that. You do need to talk to him about it and your practical situation.

I recall my exh becoming a stranger immediately - he looked the same but it wasnt him... i thought i wouldnt get over it, icouldnt eat or sleep. I did get over it and life is much better now!. He and OW didnt last. Try and eat a bit of soup, yogurt, tinned fruit and keep hydrated. You will find your strength for your girls. Its a terrible shock

I was where you are now 10 months ago.
Yes it hurts right now but it does get better.
But believe what he is saying and it will be easier for you.
He doesn't want the life he had with you and your girls. So back away and focus on getting through each day.
Leave him to it. Let the anger take over as that will help you get through this.

Did she leave her family first? I can understand someone having an affair and getting carried away, then one of the couple leaves home, expecting the other to leave as well. I can see how there would be huge guilt involved there.

This doesn't imply sympathy with him, btw, but it could explain how he feels things have gone out of control.

Yes me too Lozzerbmc, husband went to holding my hand everywhere to gone the next day, that was over two years ago and looked like a totally different person almost instantly. I could no longer reach him.
Like you OP I was so devastated I had to go on antidepressants and other meds immediately as I felt suicidal.Got better and felt great now going through another low period.
You think you go from devastated to eventually ok but you get ups and plenty of downs.
I've been left to retire alone and I'm still struggling to make sense of what is left of my life.
It seems he is probably just relieved to be out of doing 12-18 hour days that is just ridiculous, nobody can keep that up.
My ex did similar, 18 hour days with hours of commuting and I think he just snapped.
This woman will most certainly regret leaving her kids, once the initial obsession with him wears off she will regret all of it.
What an awful mess.
It's time to plan how you are going to live and what on and also if you need to move somewhere else. The children need security - I know it's hard at this stage when you are staring into the depths of the abyss and with all this grief going on.
It is too soon to try and talk him into changing his mind, he has left for a reason and needs time to calm down and think about what he is actually doing.
For now just keep yourself safe, talk with friends and family, visit your GP whenever you need. Start planning a new life. Keep occupied. Things will settle down but not yet.
My life is far from perfect but that initial heightened panic has gone and I am living my life. So will you. xxx

Oh OP I am so sorry for you and your DDs. I could've written your post from your DDs perspective. When I was 13 (12 years ago) my dad had an affair with someone from work. It absolutely broke our family at the time and I couldn't recognise my dad. My mum and dad ended up back together after about 6 months and I hated him for a long time after he moved home - as I've grown older I've realised not everything is black and white. I'll never justify his affair, my poor mum and sister never deserved that but he was unwell. He went to the doctor and was prescribed ADs and counselling.

12 years on my mum and dad are happy together, I'm having a baby due very soon and it's their first grandchild. I'm not justifying your DHs behaviour, it's hurtful and selfish and shit but I just wanted you to know that I understand where you're coming from when you say you 'don't recognise him anymore/don't believe it's what he wants' etc.

Lots of positive thoughts being sent to you and your DDs xx

Apparently he told his mum he hasn't even been able to have sex with this woman he is so in love with because he feels so guilty about me

Classic line. Part of the script they trot out. "Oh, I just couldn't go through with it, because I just felt soooo guilty", etc. I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. He's n utter shit to the nth degree.

OP, sending you love and strength.
I was in your position 8 months ago, no children together (I’m 28 and he’s 29) but he quite simply got in to bed with me one night and told me he didn’t love me anymore.. it hit me like a bomb and I honestly thought I’d never get over it, it still hurts but the only time I started healing was when I focused on myself and not on him.

Again like you, I thought my STBXH was having some mid life crisis but he isn’t, he just decided he wanted a different life, we had a pretty good life together and I now realise that quite simply nothing will make him happy and he’s always going to chase and want more ... there was no immediate OW but he moved on very quickly and similar to yours said to people he struggled to be intimate because of how guilty he felt - do NOT let this allow you to cling on to hope of getting back together.

You must focus on you and your children, lean on friends, family and this forum for support.

I spent months looking for an answer, asking why, trying to get closure but all he could say was “sorry, I never wanted this to happen”.. I gave myself closure in the end.

You will get through this, there are days when it feels impossible but from someone who thought her life was over and who thought she was destined to spend forever miserable without him... it’s not the case, it’ll take time, a long time but eventually the good days come again, I promise you x

for you.
Take it one day or hour or even minute at a time. Know that how you're feeling will get better.
Take care of yourself, eat, drink enough fluids etc, it will not help if you neglect yourself and become ill.
You will find your anger and that will help with the process of coming to terms with what he's done.

Hang in there, take each day as it comes. I have been there and a year in. It will hit u like a train some days but stay strong for your kids. I was with my husband for 20 years so I feel your pain. Do not neglect yourself and stay positive. Surround yourself with true friends and ask/accept help.

Sorry for you and your DDs OP.

First thing I would say is to tell him to stop crying like a pathetic manchild when he talks to the kids. Pull up his big boy pants and control his emotions, because seeing their dad in tears is in no way fucking helpful to them right now. This situation is of his own making and he is making it 100 times harder for them with this boo-hoo-hoo bollocks. He should be speaking to them calmly and reassuringly about how life is going to look in the future. But no he's leaving you to do all the responsible parenting and he just sits there and wallows. Pathetic.

Have you made your DD's school(s) aware? Is there any help they can offer?

Have you taken legal advice? Do you own your home?