Advice on abusive relationship

[Playgrounddragon]

Hello. This is my first time posting but i would like some advice please. Sorry it is long. I have been married nearly 5 years and have 2 DDs aged 2 and 7 months. I'm currently on mat leave. My DH is sometimes physically abusive. I've never had to seek medical help but have been bruised. Recently i have started to take pictures of the bruises as I've been working up courage to leave but am worried about how I will manage financially and devastated at thought of not seeing my DDs every day.

This weekend baby had a cold so not sleeping well. I do all night care and always have. After hours of being up with her DH sat up and shouted what the fuck is going on and said I wasn't trying hard enough to settle her. He then went on to accuse me of lying about various things including whether I had said he could sleep in the spare room (I had said this and have never ever said I would prefer he didn't). In the morning he wanted me to apologise and although minor this was the straw that broke the camels back and I decided I wanted to leave so packed a bag and left with the DDs to stay with my parents. I have returned today to sort things out long-term and so DDs can see DH. DD1 adores him and he is a good father.

DH is furious with me for taking DDs with me and says I was being unspeakably cruel and punishing him for swearing at me. I've tried to explain it's an accumulation of not being treated well but he cannot understand.
My questions are 1) was I in the wrong taking DDs with me when I left? I know it was selfish to take them as I didn't want to be apart from them
2) should I report DH to the police for previous physical abuse ( there has not been any this week). Part of me wants him to face consequences for his behaviour and to realise it is a big deal that is generally strongly frowned upon as I really think he doesn't think it is that wrong. But I don't want to be vindictive and report him as I leave just to punish him. Would the police even be interested as some of the events go back a few years (but also recent things too)? It will be my word against his as I've never told anyone and he is very charming and I don't think anyone would guess what has gone on behind closed doors. Also is it better for DDs to report or not? I don't want to ruin their relationship with their father but I know he will go for 50/50 custody and think if I report the violence I might get more than 50% which would be better for them i think. There will be financial implications of reporting him as he will almost certainly lose his job and be struck off if he gets a criminal conviction (He earns a lot more than me)

Thanks you for reading and for any advice

Please try to go back to your parents. Immediately. You were not being cruel to him by going, you were protecting yourself and your children. I wouldn't even tell him, it is not worth it. You don't need this rubbish and neither do your children. He sounds like an insane bully. Get away while you can and take great care. Good luck.

I’ve never been in your situation so I don’t know what it feels like and it’s easier for people to give advice and for you to take it however ... what I can tell you is if he’s physically assaulting you and bruising you it WILL get worse whether it be 5 weeks/months/years. You did the right thing by taking your children away from the situation. It’s never ok to even be slapped by someone never mind bruised. He might be a good father but he doesn’t sound like a very nice husband. My advice to you (whether you take it) is to leave immediately WITH the children. Go stay with your parents and get your life back bck independently , financial circumstances can be difficult but not anymore difficult than having to put up with what you are now. It sounds both emotional and physical from what you have said. Your not being selfish by leaving with your kids , you want your kids to be happy and healthy and being around a man that treats their mum that way isn’t going to make them happy at all. It will be hard . But you and your kids will be happy which is most important

Please call woman’s aid, hide this thread or any internet history. This is terrible abuse and you should not live like this and your DD should not live like this either, it will affect them and He is not a good dad if he is hitting their mother. He is not a good husband. Call woman’s Aid

Sorry if what I wrote was a bit abrupt, I had just woken up and was rather dozy! I really do feel for you OP but you need to carry on putting yourself and your children first. Please do go to somewhere safe and at least get some real life support. Very best of luck and of course it's ultimately up to you, nobody knows your situation like you do, or can tell you what to do. Again, I'm sorry if my post was unrealistic but I was so sorry and angry on your behalf

He is abusing their mother; physically hurting her. This is not the behaviour of “a good father”.
What would you advise your daughters to do if they were in your position ?

Thank you very much for your messages and honest advice. I feel more empowered to make changes now. I think it will be hard, particularly the first few steps, but I know I can do it.

Definitely report him to the police. Get away from him and stay away. He's not only physically abusive, he's emotionally abusive too and if you're not there he might well turn on the children. Tell the police everything, get a good solicitor, and be proud of yourself for protecting your children and showing them that abuse is never acceptable.

If you stay then your daughters will start to see abusive relationships as normal and are more likely to get into abusive relationships themselves when they're older.

I know how hard it is, I left my relationship last week. He didn't hit me, could be lovely and was great with the kids when things were going well, but he could be verbally abusive to me and my eldest and I was sick of walking on eggshells not knowing what mood he was going to be in.

I'm now living at my mum's and feel so much less stressed already. I won't lie, it won't be easy, but it will be so worth it.

Start with calling Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247 or look up your local DV centre and call them.
Also call 101 and report him. Ask for the DV team when you call.
Hand over all evidence of his abuse, i.e. the pictures of all your bruising.

He is NOT a good dad.
A good dad would not abuse the mother of his children.

You need to get away from him.
If you need to involve social services then please do so.
They consider keeping children in an abusive household as also being abused so they will expect you to protect yourself and your DC.

You absolutely did the right thing in leaving.
Now leave again - for good!
You cannot possibly stay with this vile, abusive bully.

Well done on recognising it - now get some help from professional services and keep away from him.

he is a good father.

A good target doesn't abuse their mother, swearing at, hitting and emotionally abusing her. He is NOT a good father.

You must do this with outside help. Call your local Women's Aid. He is dangerous and you need official protection. Take my word for this. Women's Aid will show you the ropes and support you through the process. You will get legal aid bcs you have proof of the abuse. It is likely be will only get supervised access to the children.

You need to do the Freedom Programme at your earliest to get your head straight about what you're dealing with. Eg there is no need for you to feel any guilt at all - he is the abuser and you need to protect your children and yourself from him at all costs.

Read Lundy Bancrofts Why Does He Do That?. It will explain what he does and why.

Keep going, you're on the right tracks and doing the right thing

*father not target

He is not a good father
What if he bruises your child next ?
Your dd adores him because she knowsw no different
You need to report to police
You need to stay away

Also call your local police and ask for the DV (domestic violence) unit. It is likely the police will remove him from the home with an injunction to not come near.

Sorry, the police should be your FIRST step, before Women's Aid or Freedom Programme xx

Yes you do for your daughters - at the moment they blindly adore him, the first sign of them not he could very well physically abuse them too

Please go back to your parents TODAY. Get yourself and your children away from this dangerous man.

Yes, speak to police, also speak to Women's Aid.

I know he will go for 50/50 custody

He won't get it. Especially if a history of DV is logged with police.

He is NOT a good dad. A good dad does not abuse the mother of his children. My children still remember the times their dad hurt me before we divorced. Please call women's aid for advice.

Please confide in your friends, family, health visitor or doctor. Not only will they support you but there'll be more evidence for a conviction. The police told me that because I hadn't told anyone what was going on it was my word against his which wasn't enough for cps to prosecute.

I wish you all the best and stick to your guns and stay strong, you will come out happier xxx

Good luck to you @TescoValueUserName. I'm so glad things are starting to get better for you.
Thank you all again for helping me get some perspective. I'm making plans to leave

He hasn't his you this week? That does not excuse the other occasions when he has. Take steps to get out. Now.

Thank you playgrounddragon.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat

Get yourself a Lawyer who is an experienced Family Lawyer, one who has previous experience of DV/DA & Child Protection if at all possible. They will advise you on how to proceed.