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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL Trouble

16 replies

TeriS · 08/09/2004 13:26

Having some problems with my MIL! Main issue is when she looks after DS (20 months). She lets him get away with whatever he wants - hitting people, eating his dinner while running round the room, getting him up at 3am to play for a couple of hours, etc, etc. This then caused knock on affects for us when he's back home, as he tries it on with us too! He's at that age when he's starting to push the boundaries/ tantrums etc anyway, and he's got a very stuborn personality, and this is making the whole thing worse.

She had DS for a day and night 2 weeks ago, and we are still seeing the effects now!

We don't have any other resources for babysitting locally (my mum isn't that keen, so doesn't do it often), so MIL is the only option.

We are due to go out sat night (and MIL have DS) but I'm dreading it due to these knock on affects!

Any advice?

OP posts:

808state · 08/09/2004 13:46

Hi,

Have you both tried talking to MIL about this (showing a united front is vitally important here)and if so what response have you had?. If no dice here I think you will have no choice but to find another sitter to look after your son. It is doing you no good to keep picking up the pieces after each time she has your son.

Do you have the agency called "Sitters" in your area?. Their website address is www.sitters.org.uk. This or some other service like it may provide a solution.

HTH

Original poster

TeriS · 08/09/2004 13:50

Thanks 808state, have tried speaking to her both individually and together on several occassions, and have even stressed to her it's not fair to DS, as it's disruptive to him, but no effect.

Will look up the web site - not sure what they will have in our area as we live in a small village. Also, bit worried about the thought of leaving DS with a stranger - have you used one?

OP posts:

clairabelle · 08/09/2004 13:51

Sympathies TeriS, my MIL is like Hilter with my dd who is generally very well behaved and spoils my ds and my two 2 nephews like mad. I can;t stand it. Last week she told dd if she didn't have her hair up she couldn't introduce her to anyone as she would be ashamed of her. FFS Dh and I have given up going out unless my dparents will come and they live an hour away. MILs nightmare sorry no paticulary sensible suggestions, just wanted to commiserate.

clairabelle · 08/09/2004 13:52

Oh actually she does take a bit more notice if dh speaks to her.

Original poster

TeriS · 08/09/2004 13:58

Just nice to know I'm not on my own with it! We have got to the same stage - going out is just not worth the hassle!

Sad that she treats your DS and DD so differntly - that must be really hard!

Thinking my only other option is to re-marry, and vet MIL more carefully in future! LOL - only joking!
TS

OP posts:

clairabelle · 08/09/2004 14:06

TBH I have no idea how dh 'came' from his family LOL

Original poster

TeriS · 08/09/2004 14:13

LOL Know what you mean! DH is also really frustrated with it, so at least I have his support too on this.

BTW, MIL was the same with DH when he was small - she let him get away with whatever he wanted.

OP posts:

clairabelle · 08/09/2004 14:25

You must have had some'training' to then as I did.

Original poster

TeriS · 08/09/2004 14:33

Oh yeah, and still do! Now I have seen they way MIL is with DS, I understand so much more why DH is the way he is! It's lucky DH hasn't turned into a spoilt brat!

Joking aside, I am worried that DS will turn into a brat (he's a bit 'termperamental' as it is), and I'll end up with the "Nanny lets me get away with it..." comments when he's older.

OP posts:

gothicmama · 08/09/2004 14:37

I have had similar but have always told dd it's different when nan is there and she can only do that when nan is there - since saying it in front of mil things have been alot better and she is less indulged

daisy1999 · 08/09/2004 14:41

agree with 808 talk to her about how important it is for ds to have consistency and routine and stress to her the need for you both to work together. Ask for her imput so she feels involved and try not to blame her. Unfortunately other peoples routines are the price we pay for "free" childcare. Good luck.

Original poster

TeriS · 08/09/2004 14:57

Thanks guys. Good point about mentioning it in front of both DS and MIL, this will help to clarify what I will and won't tolerate at home for both of them.

I've tried talking to MIL, and she has even agreed with what I've said. I've also suggested to her alternative ways to deal with the situations (eg. if he cries in the night, go in give him a bottle, give him a cuddle and put him back to bed, rather than take him downstairs and play for 3 hours!). She then just goes and does her own thing.

She's also started 'lying' now - she told me the other week he had slept through fine, and I then found out from Great MIL (who was also staying at the time) that he had been up for 2 hours in the night playing with his toys!

I do feel a bit guilty, as I should just be grateful that she will babysit him, and shouldn't really be nagging about it!

OP posts:

lydialemon · 08/09/2004 21:26

Hello TeriS,

I'd babysit for you, but I think it's a little far for me to drive

Been watching out for you, but only spotted you now! Mrs observant I am not....

Original poster

TeriS · 09/09/2004 10:22

No probs lydialemon! Shame we don't all live nearer - could take in turns for babysitting! Hope your all well. W/E was fun - good to see you and kids again.

I've decided I'm gonna try and see if MIL will come to our place to babysit DS at the weekend. She came to ours once before to babysit, and we didn't seem to have the same problems. I'll let you know if it works!

BTW, have you got the contraceptive implant? (totally different subject I know!). I'm still having problems with mine, 1.5 years on.... I seem to remember BG mentioning you tried it....

TeriS

OP posts:

lydialemon · 09/09/2004 14:16

Damn, I was thinking about your problem this morning and was going to suggest you get MIL over to yours rather than take DS to her. This is why I get my sister to babysit rather than MIL, cos she comes to me. I hated MIL having the boys when they were little as we'd go to pick them up at 12 and they'd still be up watching TV etc.

Which implant? Had the coil after DS2, but bled non stop 'cos of the thyroid thing so had it removed, and had the injection last christmas but had horrible side effects and didn't do it again.

Original poster

TeriS · 09/09/2004 14:29

Great minds think alike LydiaLemon!

It's an implant they put into your arm (little plastic strip) and it lasts for 3 years. Must be the injection I was thinking of....

Had so many problems with bleeding too... I think I will get it removed! Might post a message to see if any other people have had problems too, and what they can recommend as an alternative!

OP posts:

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