Just graduated, advice pls

[redfl0wer]

Hello,

I have never used this before and wasn’t sure where to post but hopefully this is ok and people see it, ha! Just looking for some advice.

I’m 22 and will be graduating from university this summer. I have always wanted to be a mum since I was little. I played with dolls for way longer than I should have and have a lot of memories of always fantisizing about having kids, even from about 7! (Is that weird??) I come from a family with lots of children and babies; younger cousins and my parents were/are foster carers for newborns and adopted one so I have a 5yo brother. I am not naive of the reality of caring for newborns and children; I lived with a constant newborn for 5 years (they were adopted around 6/8 mos) and regularly helped and babysat on my own. When I was 20 I looked after a 4 week old baby for 4 days on my own. did night feeds the lot, met my friends for lunch, etc etc. Loved it. I know what it entails.

Anyway, as I said, I’ve always wanted to be a mum. Always been adamant I want lots of kids (at least 4), although, yes, I know I might change my mind. I also want to start having babies around 24/25. I’ve got my degree (nearly) and although I do have career aspirations, they are merely until-I-get-pregnant options and post-children, ffs I’m gonna have to work until I’m 70! Plenty of time for a career after. I do also want to move down to London which I plan on doing anyway. I just wanted advice in terms of dating and relationships. I’ve had relationships in the past but never really mentioned all this to them because, obviously, in school/uni they’d run a mile and I didn’t want it to happen then, either. But in terms of dating now and going forward, given I have my education and I know what I want in life, how reasonable is it to almost, actively look for someone also wanting the same thing (no. Of kids, age)? And to be open during the first few dates about how I see my future? Ideally I would meet someone who’s 25+ and therefore 1) career established, and 2) the idea of in a few years, settling down and having kids wouldn’t make them run a mile. Is it bad for my criteria to be this? I know what I want in life and I don’t want to be persuading and compromising with a fella about it. I want someone who wants the same thing so we can just share life together. But I know guys are often ~weird~ about baby stuff, lol. Also, given that I want a lot of kids and relatively soon, there obviously needs to be funds to allow it. I’m not a gold digger in the sense that I want a guy to buy me handbags or shoes, I couldn’t give a toss, but I’m a gold digger in the sense that I want a guy with a good job who will let me have 4 kids and maybe a nice holiday each year. Is this all too much to ask? I know you’re meant to focus on love , but I don’t want to waste my time falling in love with someone who then turns to me wanting 2.5 children, or none. And when we’re 35.

It’s also really not normal to be like this at my age. I never speak of this kind of desire with my friends cos they just can’t see eye to eye and I get it. We’ve had careers drilled into us all through school, and there’s not a single girl I know who wants to have kids before 30. Although obviously I know some from school that had them at 17/18, but I mean educated girls. So I don’t really have a place to talk about this and would really like some advice from some maturer, wiser women out there.

PS, I am Not looking for people to tell me enjoy my 20s while I can before I have kids! I’ve travelled a lot, lived a lot, partied and done enough drugs to get it all out of my system. I know what I want now.

Thank you

I’m not sure what responses you’re seeking?of course you’ll get agreement & disagreement
I think you’re plan is v prescriptive,bit rigid. Life isn’t always so ordered or on target
But I think you need to have the big conversation with men you date,to establish if it’s they what too
FWIW,I do think you’re potentially missing out,too prescriptive and over idealising being a parent
I wouldn’t advise any woman to give up career and be reliant on A man
Don’t want to burst your bubble but being a mum isn’t best job in the world,it really isn’t

I returned to work FT after all my mat leaves
I didn’t want to give up my career

I think your being completely unrealistic.
You want a man that will have 4 children and earn enough to support you all and take you on holidays once a year with no love between you? Sounds pretty awful if you ask me. If you want 4 children you would be far smarter to get yourself financially stable before even considering them. You say you have years for a career you also have years for a baby. Don’t tie yourself to someone you don’t care for and put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position to tick the box you had kids before 25. I know it’s not the advice you want to hear but spend time reading divorce threads on here from sahm who are financially reliant on another

Looking after a baby for 4 days doesn’t equip you for knowing all what it entails.

That aside there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a mum, it’s worth having some savings behind you because support is not guaranteed, nor is having children. If you build you own career you’ll be able to be self sufficient if required. Enjoy your last Uni days and graduation.

I love your enthusiasm. But global warming is partly caused by over-popoulation. I would seriously consider not going beyond two kids for the sake of their generation and beyond. You might find one full-time child is enough!

Don’t define yourself solely as a mother,you’ll need more.something for you
And pragmatically you need a back up plan,because solely being mum in itself isn’t enough

EnjoyItAll - That’s not what I’m saying or what I expect. I never said I wouldn’t work. I have career aspirations and have every intention of moving to London when I graduate and getting a good job. I’m not going to settle for a shit job. Whether I chose to be a stay-at-home mum, work part or full time would be a decision I made once I was in that situation, and it would be depending on many factors, including finances. I hardly expect my partner to provide on his own. I am going to persue my own career, but what I mean is that I’m hardly going to go for someone who stacks shelves in Tesco if I want 4+ kids, am I? I did not mean I didn’t want a relationship without love, and merely focus on the other things. What I meant was I didn’t want to persue something of love when in the end the relationship wouldn’t give me what I want. I would rather be clear at the start - what I’m asking is it unreasonable to be so clear early on? Because I know baby talk doesn’t happen til later on because it’s serious shit. I would rather know that the person I was falling in love with had at least the same desires in life as me. Whether it happens or not. Obviously I know life doesn’t go to plan. I hardly think it’s being unrealistic. I know what I want and there’s no reason why I shouldnt go out and do something about it and get it. Or at least try. I’m not just going to sit around for Mr. Right then hope to god he wants lots of kids, or heaven forbid I start poking holes in condoms 5/6 years into a relationship.

Hey i kind of understand where you are coming from. I'm 24 and got pregnant whilst in my last year of uni (age 22). We werent 'trying' but we werent using protection. I had a desire in me to have a child and tbh its made me so much happier.

But this is happiness is also due to how wonderful my partner is and how we love and support each other.

Being a mother is difficult even though i always wanted it I still have days when i would much ratber be doing other things, i have doubts if ill ever be able to do a job I love. So if I was you i'd try to establish a career.

But yea basically, do what you want in life and lifes not all about workin but dont rush into something with a man because you wanna have kids. Its not the best thing to do and you may end up hurt and alone.

Try find someone who you just click with... the right person for you will want to have children too probably, but thats not all you need between you!

Also maybe let go of the whole workin partner idea who provides and gives u a holiday every year cause it might not happen

Reframe your thinking
Men don’t let women have nice holidays
Men don’t let women have babies
Couples pursue mutually agreed goals and are equal partners

LipstickHandbagCoffee - I did not say I want to find a man who lets me have babies or a holiday. I said I want to find someone who has the same desires (lots of kids, at a relatively early age compared to 30+) as me so that we can share life together... Which would be mutually agreed goals.

Mutually agreed goals are important. However I suspect it will not be easy to find a man in his 20s who is ready to commit to 4 future children and a SAHM. Still, I think it's good to be upfront about your plans. This might be a good use of online dating as you can weed out the ones for whom it would be a dealbreaker.

want a guy with a good job who will let me have 4 kids and maybe a nice holiday
I’m not having a go,it’s just your phraseology is emphasising the role of a partner,letting you

I do recommend you have the big conversation early on though,to get compatibility
And sure there are many men who are family minded and want a family

This sentence sounds very much like that was what you were intending:
“but I’m a gold digger in the sense that I want a guy with a good job who will let me have 4 kids and maybe a nice holiday each year.“

A gold digger is after money. You say you don’t want hand bags but follow it with that. It’s your life and your choice and a bunch of internet strangers are not going to convince you otherwise. If you aren’t bothered by a loving relationship and want it at a set time why not consider sperm banks? Far less complicated. By all means be honest with anyone about the fact you want 4 children but your original post seemed very set for something so unpredictable.

My dc are your age, as obviously are many of their friends.
I would be horrified to hear them talking like you are.
You can't plan out your life like that.

Brains are still developing right up through the mid 20s. People change an awful lot, once they start work, start becoming independent adults, start thinking about career plans, and travel, and where they might live, and mortgages etc etc.
You will be missing out on the possibility of finding someone you truely love and could potentially spend a very happy life with, if you rule out all men in their early 20s who don't, at this stage, want to commit "to having at least 4 babies with you".

If you are really wanting advice, I'd say put all this 'idea of how your life might be' to the back of your mind, and focus on what jobs you could be applying for, or what further training or study you might do. Then focus on saving up and getting yourself some financial security, whilst relaxing and enjoying the company of those you meet, without scaring off 99% of the population by telling them your plan.

Try to find someone before you graduate. I wish I’d focused on that while at university because I haven’t found anyone decent since and the clock is ticking for me.

I think you would scare the bejesus out of a right thinking 25 year old person with a good job living in the SE or London.

But you could find some men looking for a wives who abdicate and conform to their career, hobbies and needs (which will include affairs) in return for a comfortable life and 4 kids. I always find these men to be unpleasant. Good luck.