Husband would rather to DIY than spend time with me and our Son

[Bracey56]

I need some advice as to how to move forward. Sorry for how long this is...

Some background.. My husband and I have been married for nearly 4 years been together 5 years. We have a 1.5 yr old son. We had a miscarriage just a month or so before getting pregnant again, but the whole pregnancy was horrendous with me suffering from hyperemesis the entire 9 months, my Gran passing away (who was my legal guardian from when I was 16 yrs old) and we were having major house renovations done (I was in labour and builders were walking through my kitchen).
The labour was awful and resulted in DS being admitted to intensive care from delivery and us spending over a week in hospital.
However, DS was a good newborn despite a rough start and I was able to breastfeed and was on extended maternity leave as I had taken redundancy.
My husband saw his role as a father as finishing the house renovations, painting, decorating... and so it has continued. He rarely looked after our son and when he did it was a really big deal and it could never be for long because he had stuff to do. He bought a marine fish tank when DS was a few months old and any free time he had he spent sorting that out. As DS has got older the garden renovations started and last summer in that beautiful weather our garden looked like a bomb had hit it. Every evening after work, every weekend my husband spent working on the garden. I was on maternity leave and so absolutely every other part of our lives was down to me to sort out... because he was doing the garden. We didn't spend one weekend doing anything as a family. I had to take our DS out to parks and the beach and whilst it was fun, I desperately wanted my husband to be there to enjoy it with us.

Once the weather turned, I had started a new job and DS was put into nursery full time. Over Christmas we both had time off and it was awful. My husband was crabby, bored, losing his temper over small things, shouting at DS. I'd suggest we go out for the day and my husband would get annoyed because he wanted to stay and design the new kitchen or sort the fish tank out. It got to the point where I would have to take DS out to play in the lane just for them to have some time apart from each other. We had a huge row on NYE because of how things had been but nothing much was resolved. We have not been on great terms ever since.
The garden work has now started again so we are back to me finding things to do with DS all weekend. Yesterday it was raining and so we were all home all afternoon and it was the same as it was at Christmas. My husband sat playing on his phone with a miserable face and then just telling DS off and putting him in time out. He puts films on and expects DS to sit and watch quietly for 2 hours (which of course he doesn't) and then my husband gets annoyed again.
We had another big argument last night and he told me that he had things that needed to get done around the house and that I wasn't pulling my weight with the general housework like washing and cleaning.

I am now at a loss as to what to do. I admit that I let the washing pile up and I don't always pick up DS toys. However I work a 40 hour week and when I am at home I want to spend it playing and doing fun stuff with DS. I understand that my husband is trying to make us a nice home and it will all be amazing once its all done but at the moment he is just horrible. It is getting to the point where I am wondering whether this is all worth it and whether our relationship will last to getting the house and garden all finished. He says he sat yesterday just looking at all the things that needed to get finished and it made him feel inadequate. So rather than just enjoying a rare afternoon of playing with his son and enjoying the time we had together he spent it sulking and in an awful mood.

He has said recently that he knows that his moods are bad and that it sometimes only takes an insignificant comment or action from me for him to fly off the handle. He had talked about going to speak to the doctor about it but hasn't done anything about it. I spend a lot of my time biting my tongue and letting things go over my head because I don't want to spark an argument. Its normally after Ive had a few glasses of wine that I say something to get a reaction from him that normally ends in him sleeping on the sofa because he can't bare to be near me.

Has anyone got any advice. I haven't got any family to turn to for help and I don't want to ask my friends because I don't want to them start judging our relationship or worry that our DS is not being bought up well.

Sounds like he's totally checked out of the relationship and has no idea how to be a parent. Have you ever left DS with him and gone out for a few hours?

Why should all the washing/cleaning fall to you? Why doesn't he pitch in and do his share?

He sounds like a miserable person to live with. Wouldn't you be better off on your own?

The thing with doing up a house is, you're supposed to do it so that at the end of it you can enjoy a nicer lifestyle with your family. If he's not putting anything in to family life, then you could have the swishest kitchen in the world and the neatest garden and be utterly miserable at the end of it. Or he'll lose you and you'll end up putting the fabulous house on the market.

I think I'd be pointing this out to him in no uncertain terms.

Would he be up for relationship counselling? He sounds like hard work to be honest, I'm sure you're so disappointed. It seems like you do most of the household anc childcare tasks plus troubleshooting his moods, are you gaining from or enjoying any part of the relationship?

We have renovated a house with young children but every Saturday was a working on the house day, that would mean either me or Dh doing something or needing both of us for short periods of time. This also meant Dh spent time one on one/two with the children.

Sunday was a family day so we went swimming, came back and had a lovely brunch etc and did any domestic crap together but we chatted whilst we did it, sang to songs we played etc.

You are missing the family balance part. It won't be great if he does the house up only to sell it when you divorce.

He will no doubt see it as him making the house/garden what you both want, when in fact you need to tell him you want to spend time with him. Not him on his phone. You need to find common ground again.

Spoiler alert: the house and garden will never be finished. It'll be like the Firth of Forth. This type of guy avoids family life this way so will always be in the middle of a project, or thinking of a new project, or finding fault with an entirely functional part of the estate.

Meanwhile you are walking on eggshells more and more and more.

And your DS is going to grow up in a fairly tense atmosphere.

I think you have some serious thinking to do.

A 1.5 year old is too little to be put in time out or be expected to watch films.

Your dh actually sounds quite controlling and abusive.

Before everyone jumps in with LTB I like to say that one thing jumped out at me :

He feels inadequate.

This is the problem

Rightly or wrongly men take their self worth fir providing got their family.

In your case this mean creating a beautiful home for you all.

He feels he's not done that yet.

Way forward is to tell what a great job he had done.

'Those skirting boards look amazing '

The fish tank really set his room off

It may feel silly or even untrue at first but he's desperate for your approval.

Give a go for a few days with zero expectations.

You've both been through a lot.
Sorry for your loss

It sounds like he feels lost. He wants to provide for you by making a nice house but it feels oveerwhelming.

He wants to have nice times with you and your DS but hasn't a clue how to parent - watch a film for 2 hours with a toddler pfft! So it ends up going wrong, he tries to discipline todder, you tell him off (rightly) and he feels even more inadequate.

If he is prepared to put in a lot of work - go to GP, have relationship counselling, go to parenting classes, I think this is salveageable.

Hoewever if he just entrenches himself further in his misery then divorce is inevitable and he'll likely have little to do with your son too.

Thanks for all your advice, I feel a bit better already. I should mention that I work full time from home. Something which I think doesn't help as my husband then thinks I should be doing the household chores in my 'lunch break'. We also have a dog, so I have to walk him as well.

I have also been thinking that this might all be because I bought our house with inheritance money, I buy everything he needs for all the work he's done from my inheritance money. He puts all these plans together, costs everything up and I transfer him the money. He keeps saying he feels inadequate... possibly because he hasn't been able to provide monetary value? I married him knowing this and have never once made a point of it.

In order for us to have 'time together' I've started ordering Hello Fresh boxes so we didn't have to think about food shopping and we've started cooking together. I ask him about his day and listen to all his talk about the plans for the kitchen and the house etc. I post on facebook with photos of progress and say how much amazing hard work he's done. It was at the end of the summer when I was still on maternity leave and trying to find things to do every day with DS as well as on the weekends that I started making a point that maybe he should help me parent and not pass judgement or criticise quite so harshly if he sees something that I have done/not done especially with our DS.

During the week my husband isn't so bad, he doesn't get home til 18:35 and is gone by 7am in the morning so its a long day, but generally he is quite happy in the evenings. Probably because he's not had to do anything with DS. It's more evident on the weekends when we are all home together. He thinks I don't discipline our DS well enough, that I encourage him to drop food in the living room, that he has too many toys in the living room and the house is a mess.

I have asked him about getting people in to help him do the garden but he wants to save money and by now he's done so much of it himself I think he just wants the respect from people that he has done it without anyone helping him. (This isn't a little gardening project we've had excavators, tonnes and tonnes of earth removed, industrial cement mixes.. the lot). He's planning on the kitchen next and I have pleaded with him to get just someone in to help him. He has agreed to a family friend who is a builder by trade to come and help him out.

He is incredible judgemental about how other people bring their children up. He has no relationship at all with my brother and sister (we are the only ones left from my side of the family). He criticises absolutely everything they do, rude about them in front of other people and sees them only under duress once a year.

There are times where he is wonderful with DS and plays and throws him around and when we go out as a family it is normally quite successful. At the moment I am clinging on to those times where my husband does want to interact and play.

I should also add that he has started going out cycling with a friend on Saturday mornings. He leaves at 8am and doesn't get back until at least 2pm. It is the only thing that he gets excited about and looks forward to doing. This hurts as I wish he would get as excited about spending time with us as he does about cycling.

Also if a dare to criticise that he spends too much time on his phone and sitting down whilst me and DS are out rather than getting on with all this work, he just cuts back and asks why I would take a half hour nap while DS has a nap after being out with DS all morning. (DS wakes at 5am every morning and is 100% full on all day). He is fully defensive and retorts back with a list of my failures rather than just accepting that he could have done a bit more.

So he's found another excuse to avoid family life for an entire half a day.

OP wake up and smell the coffee. I'm sorry. It's shit. He's being shit. You're effectively a single parent. Actually if you were a single parent you'd be undermined less on a daily basis.

I have written down everything I feel and want changed in our marriage. I am better at expressing myself in writing than I am with speaking as I just get confused and lose track of what I want to say. I don't want to leave him as when he is in a good mood he is a brilliant Dad and a fun person to be around. I have suggested therapy or counselling to work through our issues and going to our GP for advice about his own mental health.

How is/was his relationship like with his dad? What is his dad like as a grandad? My DP is not hands on at all though loves our DS. But his dad was never hands on and so he has just followed same pattern. I now ask my DP to take our DS to school, to swimming, to parties etc otherwise he’d never offer. He rarely plays with him.
How about one sunday you say your off out with a friend to the cinema/shops? He has his cycling hobby whats yours? Also bit much to expect a toddler not to drop food...

Doesn't really sound like a relationship to me or a good father.

My ex was similar and found family life very stressful. Honestly when we split, it was fine as he was never fully apart of the family anyway.

You sound like a single mum.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things.

Yes he works very hard and think I wouldn't begrudge him the cycling- he gets to let off steam.

I don't like mess so I had areas in the house.

Some were mess free zones- maybe an clear area like the lounge after 6 so he has a relaxing space to go after work.

I used to have a big toy box in he corner of the loung.
Every thing got collected up and slung in - made it a bit of a game.

As for the criticism is it because he's tired ?
Or has he got a valid point.

If he's talking out his b%%* then time to stand up to him.

And yes write it down ready for a calm moment

I think Elspeth has nailed it. He will always, but always,have something more important than family life. Sounds like he's isolated you from your family as well. I wouldn't be praising him, I'd be making my exit plans.

Your post rings a few alarm bells for me. I have 3 dc and am in a long term abusive relationship that took me a long time to realise its true nature. For years I couldn't put my finger on it, thought my husband was just hyper sensitive to criticism, or stressed, or depressed etc. These things are very familiar to me -

• sudden desire to go out and exercise for long periods after children born (although I hear about this phenomenon from many, many women). Let me guess, does he need a long hot shower and a sit down/lie down after all this exercise?
• Renewed zest for massive DIY projects necessitating many hours outside in the garage/running to the hardware store etc. alone
• all these tasks are time consuming and urgent and result in minimal availability for dull things with no round of applause or kudos, like feeding/watching/changing nappies of children. When he does them, your dh acts like he deserves a medal?

• being unpleasant to your family or sometimes your friends so that you feel you will have to choose between them
• utter intolerance for the mess and chaos of life with a small child, with exaggerated distress at the mess/spilled food etc
• When you try to express your feelings of unhappiness, suddenly you find yourself apologising to HIM or brushed off with "I'm tired too" or the like, or immediately countered with the things that you have done wrong
• the real key for me when reading your post is that dh is great WHEN HE'S IN A GOOD MOOD. What about the rest of the time? Walking on eggshells? Being talked to like an imbecile/servant?

My heart goes out to you because it's an unbelievably stressful situation to be in.