DH's anxiety about DC's

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I am struggling with DH being anxious - he can be in general but more recently about the DCs. (we have two boys 10 and 13) I wonder if it is because they are getting older.

The first and most general worry he has is about them growing up, and leaving. and him being left alone. (he sort of jokes about this but it does worry him also). I think this might be linked into a kind of mid life feeling, (he wanted to have more children, not an option as we are getting older)

Then, it is focused on specific issues, for example around him feeling the DCs don't hang about like he did at that age, or have close friendships. However they seem OK to me, happy and joining in clubs, when i ask about friendships they mention names and bullying not being a problem at school. He says he doesn't like them staying in and being online at weekends, but they do clubs after school and I feel they have a busy week so it is Ok to relax if they want. He also said he worries what would happen if something happened to him and how they would cope.

All DH's family are quite neurotic and nervous, and rather than deal with bigger problems tend to focus on these kind of things and worry. I explained that even if there was a friendships issue, surely if they are joining in, and doing new things that is good and we can't take over problems for the DC's they need to deal with things themselves. they are too big for me to arrange 'playdates' etc. Also I don't want to worry them and make them feel they need to be more 'popular' or a certain way to please their parents.

So, I guess I am just looking for a little perspective on this. I grew up with an anxious mother myself and it was hard, She used to ring people for reassurance, and Dh then told me he had emailed our eldest DC's tutor to ask if his friendships were Ok- and he hadn't replied so this had worried him further. I mentioned the good school report which had some recently commenting on how active Dc were in school life and how they had been helping younger children in the tutor group settle in..and how they choose to go away e.g. with scouts, CCF etc and how proud I was of them.

He isn't convinced though and sometimes I feel he thinks I 'don't care'. Maybe it is strange as his mum, sisters are all so worried about each other and it feels I'm not...it's not that of course I care I just feel we can sometimes add to problems and make DC anxious..

Any thoughts on all of this and how to tackle?

The other way it is coming out with our younger DC at the moment is about the walk to school. He is ten now and I have been encouraging him to walk part way to school, meeting him to cross the bigger roads (in a city) and I felt, encouraging his independence for him to be ready for secondary in a year or so.

DH was concerned about this and again made me feel that I 'didn't caret's be there waiting for him at the school. One day DH was walking from home and DC had left his phone at home...instead of calling me and me meeting him, he made his own way home, ringing the doorbell. (first time he has done this and I was a little surprised but ready to congratulate him on doing this for the first time himself, and talk to him about his he managed the crossings etc). But before I could, DH got upset and starting saying about he shouldn't have crossed the big roads himself and I should have gone to get him etc.

So now DC wants me to go collect him at the gate again so as not to upset dad...well he says he likes to see me but I think he doesn't want to get into trouble.

I know it is a balance and at the heart of it is concern / care for the DCs. But i think it make be giving them worries that they can't cope, when they can..

Right, in my opinion, you have a problem here. Your DH is not only being over anxious and paranoid, he's being inconsistent - he doesn't want them walking home alone but at the same time he's worried because they're not out and about enough at the weekends.

Personally, I wouldn't consider any of this healthy. nor entirely normal. And he absolutely going to be damaging your DC by not letting them be independent. He's also going to completely mess with his own mental health if he doesn't get on top of this.

DH comes from a not dissimilar family. I believe that all couples shift and change over time as they adapt to and learn from each other (this often leads to conflict with the individual members' birth families). In DH's case, one of his biggest changes is that he no longer buys into the crazy paranoid behaviour of his family. This is partly because of the 50000 conversations we've had. And partly because he sought therapy for some issues, and this was part of that process. I am incredibly relieved because now one of me and DH's new worries is that his sister's paranoia is going to be seriously bad for our nephews.

Personally, I think your DH needs therapy. And sharpish.

I think I agree. CBT could be helpful perhaps. he blames the 'not going out at weekends' to us living in the city and things would be different, if like him we lived in a cul de sac...

I had lots of freedom as a child but had quite different parents, almost neglectful in a way but anyway quite different so I find it quite frustrating.

i do my best to encourage independence anyway and self sufficiency fro example don;t run around after them if they forget their kit, and the eldest gets himself too and from school and clubs etc on public transport / waking whereas i do know others where the parents run after them all the time. and they do go away with school etc.

I agree though but not sure he thinks he has a problem (DH) he thinks his concerns are real and I am denying / shutting down, when he talks about it. Oh and it is not just the roads with the ten year old but that he thinks 'someone might get him'.

Yes, we have also been having conversations about his family's behaviour and he is recognising how strange it can be, so maybe a step forward with that. (mainly OCD type stuff / controlling / anxiety) another thing which seems to help is me reassuring him and bringing up times the DCs have got more confident / independant. I'm pleased with the school report and how others feel the DC are (not anxious) but need to try and nip this in the bud really as they get older.

My DH has some similar traits (though he manages to limit himself to the more rational 'they might get hit by a car' and doesn't think 'they might get kidnapped' - at least not out loud. When challenged, he says 'I'm allowed to worry'. On the whole, he's more cautious than I am and takes fewer risks. He is happy enough for me to take risks with them (climbing, cycling etc), but does talk to me as if we were performing a workplace risk assessment.

I can live with the risk-assessment approach. It's soulless, but not irrational. My objection is to his sharp intake of breath and telling the kids off for taking risks before he really thinks through what the options might have been. I tend to leap in to congratulate the successful risk-taking child as quickly as possible. Then he'd have to argue with me in front of the kids if he wanted to tell them off. I have to be fast! But I figure than genes will out. If the kids are going to be risk-takers like me, or risk-avoiders like him, they will.

The irrationality would worry me, though. Will he talk it through with you? Does he worry about the kids becoming worriers? My DH worries about upsetting the kids, so he can be approached that way, but yours sounds more hard-core nervous.

Well, the comment is not that irrational as there was a recent report of a van at a local school and a man approaching children, (the school emailed all parents about it). In our area, they email all the local parents if anything like that happens. So that may be related to the worry.

When I get frustrated I try to remind myself it is coming from a place of care for the DCs and better than neglect (in my childhood had the opposite, no boundaries and times or well, danger really) so, balance is to aim for but the opposite is not good either.

Well, he doesn't really say this stuff to the DCs directly, more to me...one thing I have noticed recently is he (DH) can sometimes worry about things in general or catastrophise, over something (not too dramatic) and our eldest DC sounds like a CBT book- he rephrases what DH has said in a reassuring way! For example, "ah, well, not to worry, we can ....to help the .... and then it will be OK!" or distract him "come on lets watch the funny film" - he is quite mature and very empathic, not sure if this is a good thing, but I guess it is. Or me and DC will kind of jolly him along a bit. He's often just tired and grumpy from work - but he does realise he has been anxious. I mean they all went ski-ing and sailing together so that was quite nice. It seems to worsen with work stress, but then anxiety can be a bit like that can't it.

I also wonder if my freedom and complete lack of boundaries as a child means I am perhaps too laid back, (grew up in remote countryside also) we do live in a city after all, and roads are busier / more dangerous crossings. It seems our famous were opposite ends of the spectrum but yet he thinks I would behave like his sisters / mothers as that is what he is used to. Whereas I was used to my dad/mum wandering around with head in the clouds and never knowing where we were or needing to be back at any certain time etc.

our eldest DC sounds like a CBT book- he rephrases what DH has said in a reassuring way! For example, "ah, well, not to worry, we can ....to help the .... and then it will be OK!" or distract him "come on lets watch the funny film" - he is quite mature and very empathic, not sure if this is a good thing

This would concern me as it is obvious that your DH's problems are affecting your DCs' development. They shouldn't be feeling responsible for DH in this way - it is parentification where dc are taking on the adult, parenting role.

As far as I'm concerned, the worry about snatching/being hit by a car etc is all perfectly understandable. However, what is needed is to be realistic - ie how likely is it? And more importantly, to teach your DC what to do. You can't wrap them in cottonwool forever. And I think it's much healthier to imprint good safety (road, stranger, internet etc) from a young age in the same way that we try to imprint good manners from when they are tiny.

Because, and this is the point I make to DH.... you can try and be there ALL the time. But what happens when you're not? what happens when DC are naughty and sneak out? What happens when you are distracted and don't notice they're not paying attention at a road crossing? what happens when you are hurt and the DC need to step up? And these are the more extreme what ifs. There are a million smaller ones.

DS is 8. He's not allowed to go anywhere alone yet. But when we are out, he is expected to be actively thinking about road crossing and is increasingly in charge of telling all of us when we can cross. This is because a) he will SOON be allowed to do small trips by himself and b) we have a smaller DC, a dog, mobile phones etc and the truth is that it's just too easy for me to be concentrating on someone more vulnerable. I need to know that DS is going to be okay if I take my eyes off him.

I would really encourage him to look into CBT. He can self-refer online, and the book "CBT For Dummies" comes highly recommended.

CBT is a really excellent therapy for anxiety.

In terms of walking to school, I was getting myself there as a kid from about age 8, but it was a very safe route with no busy road crossings.

My son walked himself from age 10 - there was one busy-ish road. We're in a major city but not the centre. The first week I sent him off and went to halfway with him then he did the rest on his own. At home time I legged it to a vantage point where he would cross the road and hid behind a hedge to make sure he was crossing safely! The following week he did it all on his own and never looked back after that.

Agree with all of this. Would CBT very useful myself in the past and I've already got a good book on it. Getting home to realise he needs it would be the problem. He thinks I am 'being defensive' and that is the problem.