Moving in together!!

[Bug81]

My boyfriend and I have decided to move in together after 11 months of dating. This month we make a year. It's all exciting and new territory for me (first time living with a man). We are both looking forward to the future. So please advise me on how or what to bear in mind...........everything and anything....... am new to this, so all advise will be really appreciated. Thanks

Finances. Housework split.

Start as you mean to go on.

Be careful.

Make sure you discuss a fair split of finances and for goodness sake make sure you split the housework.

Compromise...but don't be a pushover.

Totally agree with discussing in detail finances and chores BEFORE moving in together.

Are you a night owl or a lark? What's he? If one isn't a "morning person" bear in mind they may be best left alone till they've had chance to wake up, equally the night owl needs to not expect the lark to be a late to bed person.

What are expectations re family/close friends visiting? You need to discuss this. What about overnight visitors?

This was me a month ago, right down to the timings!

Only real bits of advice are to split everything as equitably as possible - rent, chores etc. And make sure you each have your own/enough space - that's been a major point of contention for some of my friends.

Enjoy!

Just remember nothing grows in shadows. Remain as independent as possible and continue to see your friends and do what makes you happy.

Things I wish someone had told me...

Keep enough of your own money aside that you can afford to leave at any time, immediately, without worrying a single breath how tight money will be.

Keep your credit separate, and pristine, as that'll help you rent a place if you need to leave.

Wait at least a couple of years for kids - a couple of years living with a man is very different to dating a man. Contraception, contraception, contraception.

Never, EVER, give up work. Even when you have kids (especially if you have kids).

Pay attention to how your relationship evolves when you live together. Are you closer, more comfortable? Is he a friend and ally in life? Or are you reverting to 50s housework splits and find him going out with his mates all the time and not taking you out anymore (she's at home, why would I take her out)?

If the red flags start flapping, stand up and salute.

Then, with the above in place, enjoy it! Have fun! You'll be able to relax, knowing you're with him because you want him, not because you now need him and you're stuck.

Consider obtaining a cohabitation agreement drawn up from a Solicitor. Not romantic at all but could save you both a lot of problems if the relationship does not work out.

Really look at finances.
Do you both earn evenly?
Do you earn a lot more, or him?
It's up to you how you split it but it's best to do all money into one pot.
Pay all bills and rent etc.... from that.
Put some money from that into a savings account.
Then you split the remainder 50:50.
Ensure you discuss all big purchases.
Make sure you have some 'me' time.
Make sure you still see friends and family.
Really look at household chores. Ensure they are split evenly.
Then look at the real nitty gritty. Presents for family.
Appointments. Paying bills, shopping, meal planning, cooking, etc......
Don't be left with all the 'wife work'

It's all exciting but please remain practical.

Make sure before moving in that you are both on the same page re where you’d like the relationship to go. It’s amazing how many couples move in having never even discussed marriage or kids. at a bare minimum you need to discuss whether you want to marry and in an ideal world the timescale you’d be happy with and what you’d want to achieve to prepare for marriage, Same with kids (yes or no, how many and when). Don’t move in until you’re sure you both want the same things at roughly the same time.

Keep finances mostly separate: have a joint account with no overdraft for bills and rent and the rest apart. Talk about how you’ll split things, if you’re earning similar amounts you’ll probably want to split everything 50/50 but if you’re on 70k and him 30k it’d be fairer for you to contribute 70% of the rent and bills and him 30% so one partner isn’t in relative poverty.

Also talk about goals for the future and what you’ll need to do to meet them. It was nonnegotiable for my OH that we save seriously to buy a house and to do that we agreed on a min amount we’d both commit to saving each month. You need all of this ironing out to save problems in the future.

And goes without saying I hope: rent first, don’t buy without having already cohabited for at least a year or more!

Agree to agree on major spending.

Both pay equally to the rent and bills. Share the cooking. You must have been to his place. Is it tidy?

Have your own money
Don’t ignore red flags
Share household tasks
Maintain your friendships
Don’t keep secrets about his behavior

Keep doing things you already love to do together!

Get comfortable but not too comfortable that you don't end up spending quality time together. Not just household stuff!

We still like to make sure we do things like go out for dinner/cook dinner together, eat up the dining table, go to the cinema, go away for weekends/holidays. Just because you live together doesn't mean you are spending quality time!

I really hope you love it! I'd never lived with anyone before either, left my parents to move in with my DP are I absolutely adore it 1.5 years later! Good luck OP x

Don't move in until you've discussed everything in detail. If you're not in agreement then don't move in

• Finances. Sit down before moving in and work out your outgoings and all utility bills. Discuss how you'll be paying for these bills...50/50 or % on your earnings. Know exactly how much you'll both be paying per month.
• will you do this from a joint account or not mix finances?

• Housework. When, who etc how often or set an hour aside at the weekend.

• Bedroom routine especially if one of you need to wake up much earlier. Ie compromise and learn to go to bed earlier.

• Sex... Honestly when you live together you have to make a conscious effort to set time aside for it. The passion doesn't go but you must make it an importantance

• Set time aside to see friends on your own

• Please discuss the future it won't work if ultimately he wants marriage and kids and you don't. If you both don't share the hopes for the future and haven't discussed it you need to.

• Ensure both names are on the rent otherwise you could be liable to pay it all if one of you moves out.

Money and housework are big argument drivers, so ensure you agree on those. But...never agree just to keep the peace - if you're unhappy or uncertain about something, say so.

Don't have children too soon and get married first, especially if one of you gives up work or reduces hours.

Don't let your sex life become routine or non-existent, because one of you will likely end up cheating or leaving.

Thanks all for all the advise, very much appreciated. We are now living together and it's going great so far. We've worked out finances, and have discussed opening up a joint account for our expenditures. We have discussed the future and we are on the same page which is great.