How to move past this utter rejection and hurt?

[SapphireFire]

I don't know what to do any more. Or where to turn, or anything. I desperately need some advice.

My parents divorced when I was 13. I'm 35 now. I'm the eldest of his four children. He was serially unfaithful to my mother and eventually she had enough and threw him out. He remarried (his secretary! What a cliche....) and had one child with her who is now 18.

He has always been utterly selfish and was largely absent during my childhood. But my mother always told me growing up "Your father loves you." And he did. He had a dysfunctional childhood himself.

The net result of his absence and disinterest resulted in me equating sexual interest with acceptance. I slept around as a teenager and have a very unhealthy link still there. I get desperately upset about my partner and masturbation and things because it is a very specific point of pain for me because of this link.

I have two daughters and he has never really been interested in them. He loves them but makes no effort to see them or me. He used to, years ago, but now he has been totally disinterested in me for the last year or so. By this I mean no acknowledgement of birthdays, no phone calls, says he will call and doesn't, he lives about an hour's drive away from me but NEVER visits, despite travelling widely all over the world and frequently having holidays in other parts of the uk. He dotes on his youngest child and recently acquired a dog who he seems besotted with. More than me!

A few years ago, I discovered that he was making a detour on his way home from work (about an hour) to photograph naked women in a photography studio literally five minutes from my house. Never came to see me. He was driving past his daughter and grandchildren a couple of times a week and never came near us.

I have huge resentment towards him. Not really from my childhood, but he could not be less interested in me over the last few years. I've slowly been reaching boiling point over the last few weeks. He didn't acknowledge my birthday whatsoever and yet he took my sister (32) out in London for her birthday last week. I have no problem with my siblings, btw. And up until now they haven't known about my feelings, but I expect that will change after the weekend!

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple of years ago and received no support from him. This will out me but I can't leave it out - he's a bloody Dr!!!! And yet no interest or concern.

So, this weekend. I commented on a status or photo on Facebook (I can't remember which) I'd missed a couple of doses of medicine and I allowed my feelings to get the better of me. It was something along the lines of "So you bother with everyone else but not me". I immediately received a message back saying "That was a nasty and hurtful thing to say." I said that I considered that he deserved it or I wouldn't have said it. He then blocked me from replying to the conversation and I took a screen shot of that. The following night I sent it to him saying what a mature way to deal with the issue. He then said "I have limits. I won't be verbally abused." It is absolutely laughable to describe what I said as verbal abuse!! He had gone straight into attack mode without even asking me what was wrong. He said he wouldn't tolerate being verbally abused ever and then said "goodbye". I was desperately upset, I sobbed for hours, I couldn't deal with the hurt and rejection. He then messaged saying that he didn't want to talk to me but he would in a few days. And amended his "goodbye" to "goodbye for a few days".

By this point I was so upset, I said no way, he didn't get to treat me like that. And that was my last message. Tonight I've discovered that he's blocked me on all social media. I can't believe it. I never thought he'd walk away from me and my children completely.

Years worth of rejection have now been formalised. I can not describe the hurt I feel.

How do I accept this and move past it? I feel emotionally shattered. WHY is he like this towards me? What have I done to deserve this?? How can he just callously cut me from his life?

I would really, really appreciate any advice or support. It's taken a lot of courage to write this post but I want true opinions so I'm prepared to be flamed if necessary.

I don't want to read and run, I'm sure wiser people will be along in a minute but - really! - it's not you. It's him. Its really him. His pattern of behaviour shows a lack of ability to properly empathise and bond with those closest to him.

This is so tragic and so very sad, it's not you, it's him. Please try and believe that.
Rejection by a parent is terrible and incredibly difficult to understand. We always blame ourselves because it's almost impossible to believe that a parent that is supposed to love their children can just cut us off.
Time will help, time doesn't heal all wounds but time will give you distance from the pain. As a parent yourself you know you wouldn't treat your children like that.

Is it possible for you to talk to your mother about this?

He sounds like a terrible, terrible father.
I'm so sorry you feel rejected by him and can understand why you might feel that, but you don't need his love or approval, he should be lucky to have a daughter and grandchildren. His actions show who He is, not who You are.
I think you need some ongoing therapy, it will take time to come to terms with your feelings and find a way to accept your father's behaviour, that it's not your fault or and draw a line under it.

Rejection is a hard thing to process and you need support. You're moving forward.

Thank you both.

Preston - yes, and she would sympathise but I'm not after sympathy. I need a way to stop feeling the rejection so keenly.

He sounds cruel and heartless.
None of this is your fault.
If you can access it and afford it I would highly recommend psychodynamic counselling with a therapist that is registered with the BACP.
It can help you process what’s happening to you now and growing up

He sounds like a pompous self important twat. Don't get sad get angry. Can you seriously ever imagine treating your own child like this? No, neither would any other parent worth the name.
I think you are just letting yourself in for more and more heartbreak ever expecting him to change so you have to work out a strategy that you can cope with. I think just a cold calm rejection of him?
I'm sorry that someone who should be a great support is the opposite, but you don't sound alone in the world and you really don't need this piece of shit.

You're craving attention from someone who doesn't care. Drop him and move on.

@SofaSurfer20
Helpful

Just as you or I may struggle to give voice to feelings perhaps he struggles too. Perhaps his interactions with you make him feel wretched or guilty and he runs away when things become too difficult. It’s tempting to think he’s ‘an adult’ and he has a responsible job, that doesn’t mean he knows how to deal with his own or anyone else’s feelings. You have your own family now. Be proud. Be happy. Youve done that. Despite adversity

I think parental relationships can be extremely complex. Can you try and seek some talking therapy to help you work through this.

Talking to your mum about it would provide more than just sympathy. I imagine she would have a real deep insight into his character and his flaws and what it is that drives him to behave in this cruel and uncaring way. I doubt you can change him... but if you can come to terms with who he is, that will actually help you. That'll probably take professional help rather than just a chat with your mum.

PPs are correct though- it is definitely him that is at fault, but the tragedy is that it is you who feels the pain.

I've been there, OP.

I don't know if it would help you, but I tried to reframe the feelings as grief. I wasn't so much rejected by my family member - it wasn't caused by anything wrong with me - as bereaved of a relationship with them due to the way their brain was wired. They simply weren't capable of the sort of love you would expect. It's absolutely a bereavement. Try to think of it as a profound loss rather than a rejection. He's just not capable of proper love and connection and that's not because of you or anything about you.

These replies are all so helpful and comforting, thank you.

"discovered that he was making a detour on his way home from work (about an hour) to photograph naked women in a photography studio literally five minutes from my house.*

he's a bloody Dr!!!!

Not a doctor I'd ever like to be treated by (going on this and his treatment of you and his treatment of your mother), I feel sorry for his patients. Just highlights how everyone gives immediate respect ,(and assumes respectability) for doctors when they could actually be degenerate sociopaths like your father.

I'd be glad he doesn't make any effort, maybe get some counseling and have the minimum to do with him.

Sounds very similar to my father in many ways. He cheated on my mother several times, finally ended up marrying one of the women and had 2 sons with her.
While he always 'loved' me and my sister he never played an active father role, always too busy. Constantly let down while we were growing up, saying he'd be there and never turning up etc. Has always forgotten birthdays, rarely makes contact unless he needs something.

I used to crave his attention, it was never direct rejection from him but more laziness and a constant feeling of being an unimportance in his life.

As I've got older (I'm 36 now) I've accepted I can't change him, it's just him. I actually run his business for him now so have regular contact with him for work purposes but as a father not so much.
I expect nothing from him therefore I can never be disappointed by him. I'm in control of my life and how people treat me and I think that's helped me with my other relationships too.

I don't know what the solution is OP, for me it was just something I dealt with in my own way for myself but I hope you can find a way to process and deal with your feelings and overcome things.

As hurtful as it might be perhaps some time completely away from him is actually for the best. Please don't pin all your self worth on him though, you can't make someone into something they're not. Accept that he's who he is and focus on the people in your life who give you what you need, not the ones who don't

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They mean a lot.

Yes, time apart is a good thing. But tbh I don't see a relationship with him ever happening again. I don't feel vindictive, I don't feel angry, I don't want to lash out. I genuinely don't care any more. I just need to process this hurt. He still has the power to wound me badly, emotionally.

I think a Pp upthread suggested therapy - I totally agree.

My self worth IS based on his treatment of me. How do I change that? I am very lucky to have two wonderful dds and a very supportive and loving DP. He works away a lot though so is rarely on hand for practical support/cuddles.

I remembered another appalling episode from my childhood this morning. I was ten years old and on holiday with my parents and three of my siblings. Due to space and logistics, we had two hotel rooms next door to each other and myself and my father shared one, my mother and siblings in the other. I shared a bedroom with my father and one night I awoke around midnight because he was on the phone to someone. He was sitting on the floor and talking softly. I heard him say: "Don't worry, she's asleep. I love you and I miss you too." I stayed totally still and silent. The next morning, rather confused, I reported this to my mother, who initially believed me. What followed was awful.

I remember them having a very quiet but heated argument. A couple of hours later my mother approached me, quite cross. She said that she'd spoken to him and that it never happened and I'd invented it to cause trouble. I was ordered to apologise to my father for lying. I was totally confused and kind of believed I must be lying if my mother said so. At the same time as being 100% sure that I'd seen and heard what he did. I actually opened my eyes to see him. It was not a dream, I did not imagine it.
Not knowing what else to do, . I waited until he was in the pool on his own and I swam over to him and said sorry for lying. AND HE ACCEPTED MY APOLOGY! I know I keep saying it but I was so confused! I knew my apology was wrong and undeserved but I was too young to disentangle what my mother said, how my father had behaved and what I'd seen and heard.

In some ways, I feel lucky. He's such a bad parent that I've learned valuable lessons in how NOT to treat my dds. They are loved, secure, respected, listened to and disciplined appropriately.

Turn your thinking around. He doesn't deserve you or your daughters.

He is neglectful and cruel. If you have to fight for his love, you need to walk away for good.

I'm so sorry you are hurting, but he's horrible.

I know it's easy for me to say, but he's really not worthy of having a daughter like you.

He's a self centred man and will never be any different. Quite often those bad character traits get worse with age.

Hi OP

My dad is also a knob.

I find the best way to move on is to take control of the situation and block all contact with this man.

Oh OP, he sounds like he is a narcissist. This must be so hard for you but I think it would be helpful for you to have some therapy so you can understand this is about who he is not who you are. Unfortunately this kind of personality will never really feel any remorse or empathy for the way they treat others and are very good at manipulating everybody around them to see things their way and to avoid any blame.
He has treated you in the most despicable way and really screwed up the way you view relationships.

I'm so sorry OP. I too had a bad father, my fault? I was female.
I realised just how awful he was when I had my own kids and realised what a dad should be when I watched my DH. It was an extremely tough decision at the time but I cut him off when my youngest was 18 months old, I then went on to have another child he never met.

He died 3 years ago on my youngest child's b'day! I didn't go to the funeral despite my brother's making a fuss and you know what? I have never felt a moment's regret. I feel sad he failed as a dad, I feel cross some people felt so loved by him and I didnt, but I don't regret cutting him out of my life. He was toxic. It's a hard choice but it gets easier. I think you need to remove him from everything and try and find worth in yourself and your kids, he will only ever make you feel bad about yourself.

I don't agree he is a narcissist. From what op has said I don't see that at all. He wants his new life and nothing of his old life.

Someone can be a prick. It doesn't mean they have a personality disorder.