Depressed partner help please

[bangwhistle]

I could do with some genuine suggestions of what to do with my husband other than LTB.

My husband has always suffered from stress, anxiety and depression. It’s gotten much worse since we had children 5 years ago.

We moved cities and part of the reasoning behind this is that he found life in this city very stressful. It the things we eliminated were just repacked with other stresses and anxieties.

Previously my husband has managed said anxiety and depression with exercise. He once rowed several times a week and that was the happiest I’ve ever seen him.

My husband recently set up a business in the city we moved away from and works away there Monday - Thursday. We also recently had our third child (who is now 4 months old) Since these things happened my husband has gotten steadily worse to the point that he is almost unable to help share the burden of childcare when he is home. He can do an hour or so looking after one or two of the children then has to spend several hours on his own in our spare bedroom - where he now sleeps because he struggles with being woken in the night - with the door locked from the inside. He frequently walks around as if the world has ended.

I know that he is struggling with running a business and transitioning to family life. He is medicated for depression but is currently unable to run due to an injury.

I am finding him increasingly difficult to be around. I know he loves us all and misses us terribly when away but he shouts at the children with very little provocation and when the baby cries he says he can’t cope (unfortunately child 3 is a car screamer)

I am finding it very hard to cope. I am on my own with three children. 4 days a week and then continuing to do everything when my husband is home (he does do something’s like takes child 1 to some activities. He will occasionally clean the kitchen but never cook or do other cleaning) I also do some part time work for his business and a bit for my own using my KIT days as I am still on maternity leave.

How can I help my husband to enjoy life. It’s miserable at the moment and it’s bringing the mood down. We argue a lot. It makes me so very sad.

My husband is a good man. I love him. I don’t want to leave him but I feel like things are getting worse daily and I don’t know what to do.

I think counselling is probably the answer but how do I find time to find a good person, how do we even afford this? And also, he tried this once and it made him worse as I think the counsellor was a bad fit.

My husband has stopped seeing friends - says he has none (not true) and does not talk about his feelings to anyone other than me - in fact he keeps up a jolly charade to everyone else including his parent and siblings but is horrible with me mostly). His family are very old school and they were brought up to see taking about feelings as weakness. I can’t force him to take action. When I say he needs to do things he just seems overwhelmed and really sad and then locks himself in the spare room again for the night. He cries most days his own. Honestly, it’s awful. Please help!

Hi Bang. I'm sorry no one has replied to this yet. My DH has severe anxiety that prevents him (or has prevented him) looking after DC, working, going to the supermarket, driving, sitting at a table in a restaurant. Take your pick.
He's recently started proper psychotherapy - we found someone through the BACP website who listed anxiety as a specialism. It may be to do with his childhood. Not being an armchair Freud here, but DH was told this several times by 'experts' and her always dismissed it. Well now he's facing it and it's so hard but also so freeing for all of us.

Having said that we've just had such a terribly nasty 'argument' that I'm surprised he neighbours didn't call the police. It included him screaming and shouting at me as I cowered in the kitchen and had to call a friend to have someone to talk to. So.... it's bad.

DH incapacitated by anxiety (and depression) is more than anyone could reasonably bear and I bet you look at friends and other couples and wonder what it would be like to have a 'normal' husband. Actually, no inverted commas... just a normal husband.

How are you feeling today? How has today gone? Xxx

I have been where you are and I know it's so tough.
So many aspects of your situation remind me of the awful time I had with my DP about 8 years ago - the 'stiff, upper lip, mustn't talk about feelings' family, using exercise to ease stress, anxiety, taking on a new extended stressful role at work, but being fine with family and friends and an absolute shit to live with. The main difference in our situations is that my DP refused to recognise he was depressed.

So this is what I learnt -

you have to look after yourself first, that way you can help the rest of the family.

You can't make him act - you have figured this out. The situation is untenable, therefore you have to act - and some of these actions may be unpalatable. Here are some options - not all mutually exclusive. In reading through them - don't come at each one with reasons why they couldn't happen, assume they could happen and see how the ideas fit your skin. I'm going to assume your DH is unable to make decisions and right now decisions and actions are what you need, so you have to make them

make an appointment for the GP and you both go. If that means taking the kids, then so be it; if that means he has to come back from his week away, so be it. It will help demonstrate to the GP the stress you are both experiencing. At the appointment you explain to the GP just as you have here - medication not working (? is he taking it), withdrawing from family life, being a shit to live with, but fine with others. If he will not go with you - you go and tell the story.

He steps away from this new business. I have set up and run my own business and even when on my best form, it's bloody difficult, so if he's depressed he will not being giving it his best shot, so he needs to stop and come home.

He takes up a treatment - any treatment. Do not get drawn into which type - that's between him and the GP / whoever

You leave or you tell him to stay away until he's better. This may not help him immediately, but it will give you space to help yourself. I know you have 2 + 1 on the way, but if you don't have him to worry about, that one less than you have now.

And most important - start telling people about what is going on - family, friends, work, the whole crew. He may well argue it's none of their business and he may be right - but his condition is having an adverse effect on you, so it's not just his story but yours as well and you need help, so you are telling people who can and will help you. I told everyone I met pretty much - helped me cope with the isolation of his depression.

Please look after yourself and don't dismiss out of hand separating temporarily. I know family, friends, whoever will quote the 'in sickness and in health' line at you. But there is no value, no help in your both being depressed - unable to help each other and unable to raise your 3 children

Thank you both for your very useful messages. My husband is back away again and I always relax a little when he goes. That's terrible, isn't it?

He called and said he was feeling better today and even suggested that he could get a personal trainer to act as counsellor.

I spent the day trying to find a suitable counsellor for him (as well as doing a bit of work, looking after the kids and the baby, planning a birthday party). I think this is the way forward. For years I tried to sort out all the things which dressed him out. It took my that time to work out it wasn't the situation, it was him and I had to look after myself first, so I'm there in that respect.

I've considered pretty much all those options, including asking him him not come back unless he is doing something about it. I'm going to see if he calls the shortlist of psychotherapists I'm putting together.

It's so reassuring to know I'm not the only person living with a man like this. I laughed a bit about fantasising about what living with a 'normal' husband would be like. I think about this a lot. Too much. I'm so jealous of friends - although I know on the outside things always look very different. However people have recently started commenting on his behaviour so it's clearly getting worse.

I wrote this mostly to have the situation somewhere in black and white and didn't expect to get any useful replies. So thank you both

Bangwhistle
You're most welcome.
However -
It's not your job to find him a therapist - this is something he has to do. You set him the challenge - he needs to find and start some sort of therapy. Part of the therapy is finding someone you're comfortable with.
I know with my partner I could have easily given him a list of people - but if he didn't gel with any of them it would have been my fault and 'therapy is useless'.
You love him and want to help - I get that, but you need to step back and let the man sort himself out.

Any research you do into therapists / counsellors should be for you.
Oh and by the way - a personal trainer is not a psychological therapist. A good personal trainer would never allow themselves to be in that position and and one that did would be both a poor personal trainer and poor at psychological support. Yes - exercise can play a very positive role in improving mood, but it is not the cure, it doesn't get to the root cause of the problem.
As I said - set him the challenge - he finds himself some proper treatment and he sticks to get. He makes the effort, not you. You have the rest of the family to care for.
And when family and friends comments - don't excuse him - share your concern for his health. You will both need support.

Just checking in with your ^Bankg and Potter*. We've had a 'good day' with lots of progress (6 sessions into therapy) but fml it's exhausting. Am now overtired massively so mumsnetting instead of v much needed sleep.
Are you feeling any more positive OP?

Thank you both. This is very helpful. Things still bad. Husband keeps running out of his citropram and going cold turkey for 3 days which isn't helping. It was my daughters birthday at the weekend and he spent much of it hiding and yesterday I could hear him shouting for help and sobbing for much of the afternoon whilst i juggled the three children and all the dinner/post party clear up and became more and more resentful.

I need him to speak to a professional. I'm starting to feel cracks myself. Is there anywhere I could access support for myself? It's so relentless with three children under 6, a husband on the verge of a breakdown and also trying to keep in touch with my own business so I have something to come back to at the end of Mat leave that I really have to force myself to keep going. Doesn't help that baby is very restless at night so not really getting a break in the evenings and night. I mentioned his mania to his mother at the weekend. It was met with blank looks and was dismissed. Sigh.

Wow, I could have written this all myself. My DH when well is a decent man and husband but his anxiety and depression keeps recurring and worse each time. Like a pp, he gets angry as well as sad and he will shout and scream and blame me too. Last time he also started getting angry with my ds1 and I said that was it, if the kids were exposed to this behaviour we would all be walking out the door - after that he got medication which has helped a lot, but I'm always on eggshells wondering when it will come back.

I asked my GP for help but there wasn't much, they said that I didn't personally meet the criteria for anxiety or depression for CBT and they have closed the waiting list for counselling in our area. I've been thinking of talking to Relate.

My heart goes out to you.
contact the GP - both for you and your DH. If your DH is really so distressed he is crying out for help, I would contact the GP ASAP and ask for a phone appointment to talk it thru. He could be on the verge of requiring compulsory help if he is so distressed and disorganised he can't help himself.

The GP will also be able to point you in the right direction for help and support as well.,
From what you are telling us I think you need to take action, irrespective of his wishes.

You need this book Bang
Your husband needs to see his GP with a written-down list of what he (and you all) have been experiencing. He needs drugs that will support him in the short-medium term, a follow up appointment so he can't run out of drugs, two weeks off work and the quickest therapy session you can book. Hypnotherapy and CBT are the best places to start, as is meditation and stuff, but ultimately he needs proper counselling/ psychotherapy. His DM's reaction is a clue - start writing this stuff down, along with any 'nasty incidents' that occur between you, regardless of whether it seems caused by his anxiety or not. Write it all down.

My DH is improving and recovering like never before, but it's been 10 years and he has admitted he has considered suicide on many occasions. Help him, help yourself, help the DC out of growing up to repeat this pattern. This will be the fight of your lives.

I'm sorry you're going through this

Thanks. He held the baby whilst I got the older two into bed. It was 15 minutes and then he locked himself in the back bedroom again. I could hear him screaming downstairs. He came out, ate the meal I had prepared for him and then went back in the room, slammed the door and locked it again. I mean, wtf am I supposed to do with that? He can't stop working as he is responsible for paying other people's jobs. If he took two weeks off work now, the we would
Lose our house. I'm going to call the GP in the morning. See if I can get some kind of ball rolling. My daughter said daddy was frightening her with his behaviour last night which broke my heart a little. It strangely comforting to hear I'm not the only one with a husband like this because I feel pretty fucking alone right now.

He sounds close to having a breakdown with the stress of the business and worsening MH. You need to get him to a GP tomorrow. The fact that your kids are witnessing this is not good. It's damaging. You need to keep the focus on you and separate yourself and your children from him whilst showing him that there is support available. Going on and off ADs will fuck with his brain chemistry and make it worse. Startputting boundaries down and make it clear that you need him to seek help or leave the house. he needs to see that this is not tenable for anyone and this is having a severe effect on his family . What's the absolute worst that would happen if the business went under? He can get another job. Sell the house. As long you have your health nothing matters. Living in this kind of way is hell. Start being tough with him. Don't mother him.

Agree it's comforting to hear you're not the only one in the world, but as you know, it's not right. On Mumsnet there's often so much black and white thinking about needing to support depressed partners (especially when the depressed one is the op) and about leaving abusive situations... But it's not so clear cut when the abusive situation is being driven by depression.
However it sounds like your situation right now is very extreme, screaming alone in a room suggests he's either having a complete breakdown or that he is ddeoressed but also consciously or not is trying to bring you into his pain, and in either case the children should not be hearing this. Either he needs to move out in the short term, or you do. Better if it's him - does he have a family member who would take him? Would he go? Or otherwise do you have family, or can you afford a basic Airbnb locally for a few nights?

If you feel he might harm himself don't hesitate to call 999.

You need to dial whatever the emergency services number is in Britain and get him evaluated immediately,stat. He needs serious,inpatient treatment followed by long term treatment with a trained mental health professional. You cannot do everything,OP. You need support as well and sometimes doing what your loved ones needs isn't easy. Please,please call for help-depression is no different than a heart attack or a broken leg.

Just to update that we've started the ball rolling on this and my husband has an appointment tomorrow to speak to someone. I also spent a lot of
Time taking to two really good friends today who have been really useful and supportive so I feel like we have a plan in place. Thanks for all your continued support

bangwhistle, your situation mirrors mine, and for 20 or more yrs I was able to love and care, accept his illnesses. But, when that person is doing the same things over and over, the problem is never resolved. I don't want to tell you what to do, just ASK you please remember to look after you. I'm sending love hugs and prayer for you all xx