Husband is having an affair .

[lucye1]

Hi Everyone.

I have a very strong feeling my husband is having an Affair . I will be going for a divorce and have taken on a very good family Lawyer (Withers) . No children .And both of us earn well and have a joint Mortgage which is 80% paid off . I expect it to end easily as I have made arrangements to gather more information about what he is up to and who with etc. And will always have the better lawyer .

I believe he started seeing a escort some time ago and now its moved onto someone he met at work . I just want the fastest route out of the relationship. Gather my finances and move on. I can rework a home from the sale of our house as luckily we purchased in a area of London at the right time and to coin a phrase "have made a killing" .
I can live without him. Its no big deal .I stand a chance with other men should I wish. But to this point have never ever cheated or flirted . I do feel upset . There is a part of me that really wants to "hurt " (Not violence!) But something that will annoy him and make me feel a lot better . He is acting the fool as usual. Buys "toys" to make him feel better about himself. Watches and cars etc . Its like he feels he has to act up to the "bigger boys " around him. I am so happy I am not able to give birth.With a child in this situation .I would be feeling terrible .

The lawyer can take care of the "mechanics" of the divorce .But How do you take care of wanting the "last word" and making sure your Partner knows they did wrong ?

Gosh,sorry Lucye1,ok so you’ve instructed a lawyer that’s good
I’d get copies of all relevant paperwork, get a timeline of suspected infidelity
Personally I’d not bother trying to get even or get him,it’s a zero sum game
No point having additional emotional aggro,as you say he’s a git and you’re moving on

You get the last word by living a better life without him.
Good luck OP

I feel like just walking away saying he is welcome to this new life he leads and something like "catchya never" will be enough of a last word. He knows what he did. He clearly doesn't care for your feelings so why bother discussing. You seem to be getting everything sorted to disconnect cleanly, if you leave communication at a minimum merely about joint assets and shut him down if he tried to start the emotional side of it, that is a massive, middle finger up, "last word"

I'm also very sorry this is happening to you. What a horrible horrible thing to have to deal with

Staying calm and dealing with him in a remote manner might make him furious and you feel better. Like you’ve moved on already from the hurt and pain, laugh and talk like normal around him but give him the cool distain of a passing “annoying” acquaintance. I’m sorry for you and hope you’ve got some good friends to rant / vent and grieve with x

@lucye1....good on you for taking the lead and no shit. I've often said, the best thing I ever read on here was "The best revenge is a life lived well". That is my new mantra. Keep your dignity and live and love your life and you will be great.

Sometimes silence is the best revenge, he has issues with insecurities this is his ego acting, the most hurtful thing you can do to someone like this is not care at all.

Anger and revenge is showing you care.
For him now you have just wised up and left him. His loss! Don’t look back it.

*Don’t look back

My life will be fine. I have a great Job and a good circle of friends. he has been draining me with his constant demands on himself to spend more on Cars he really cannot afford . And a lifestyle that is based on impressing his so called "Friends" . Part of me wants to punch him !

Your revenge wlll be a more fulfilled life, without someone who has to pay for extra marital sex. What an absolute loser he is.

Being happy is the greatest revenge. My ex could never quite believe that I'd pretty much forgotten he existed.

You know the expression "Never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it"? It's a good one. Your best revenge is to let your STBEXH continue to cock up his own life while you live the best one for yourself that you can.

As wise pp have already said, live your life well. I would second the advice of being silent too.

I did this. I rose above him and his shit nothing he could do or say could bring me down.

If you want it to end easily and a fast route out you may want to rethink your strategy. Choosing a SHL is not always quick and simple.

If you want to leave a deep metaphorical wound, do not get into a verbal or literal slanging match. The collateral damage (on you) will give him comfort.

You have no children so the world is your oyster. Take a leaf out of my friend's book. Plan well in advance. One evening out of the blue let him come home to an empty house. All your possessions gone. All trace of you gone. A letter detailing all your reasons on the mantelpiece, with a clear and final goodbye and good wishes. Organise this so that he gets a letter from your SHL the following day. The SHL will confirm that all correspondence is to be between solicitors.

The cliff-edge of your relationship and his life coming to an abrupt end will stay with him for a very long time, perhaps forever.

I think you leaving him is probably the best revenge. It must hurt to have someone calmly and quietly just remove you from their life without a backward glance.

Take half of his watches and half of his cars. He'll never forgive you for it and he'll be seething for the rest of his day.

I don’t know know the expression "Never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it"?
But it’s a belter,love it

@LipstickHandbagCoffee it's a George Bernard Shaw quote. I had to look it up!

OP there is a deficiency in my original post which needs rectifying. On the day you leave the note on the mantelpiece, make sure you also part-pay upfront part of Withers’ fees out of the joint account or credit cards. It is important to share.

Be clever op. The last word isn't always the last word.

He's obv very materialistic so take what you can as that will get on his nerves.

Never speaking or interacting with him again once you leave would be the best revenge

OP, you sound fucking fabulous - the only revenge needed is when your loser husband realises this, as he most assuredly will, but it'll be too late because you've GONE. Buh-bye.

He’s a lowlife, it’s so great that you know your worth and want to get the hell out of this.

Best thing you can do - be cold and pragmatic during the divorce, then break down afterwards.

In the meantime if you want to rant and rave, ask a friend/use a burner phone to message anything you’d want to tell him.

Do not rant and rave at him (as much as you’d rightfully want to). Here’s why:

• The “last word” might be such a let down. You’re hurting a lot more than any fantastic “last word” could help.

• How would the “last word” actually help? He hasn’t felt bad about cheating so don’t think he will if you tell him you know.

• Would it feel better if he felt guilt? If you’d known he was such a shit at the beginning you wouldn’t care about him, so don’t now. Any attention on him is like good money after bad. You are also not here to teach him to be better.

• He is an ongoing toxin to your headspace, which needs to be prioritising you now - and he’s already wasted so much of your time.

• Any further contact just prolongs things, you won’t get the clean break you want.

Once the divorce is over please get therapy, and be so nice to yourself. Imagine if a friend had gone through this, how kind you’d be to them. You’re the priority now, it’s about you and your happiness. Wishing you good things

My friend left her first husband , he'd been having an affair with a work colleague for 3 months. She had packed the majority of important stuff, then waited till he was away for work for a week (trip was with OW) and then had pre-arranged a firm of removals who took the lot bar a couple of items of furniture and the spare bedroom bed to a rented flat. Estate agents viewed and put the property on the market that day, had viewings immediately as it was a lovely house in a good area and priced well for a quick sale and was a buyers market at the time. EA had been primed and arranged viewings quickly.
He arrived home to mostly empty house and a large envelope with the divorce petition, 3 offers for the property, and a large photo of him and OW smooching over dinner in the hotel (she had a former school friend worked at the same company also on the work jolly who had told her about the OW, they'd plotted together), and a card wishing him a wonderful rest of his life and telling him all correspondence via SHL. She'd blocked the joint account so it needed both signatures so he couldn't take anything out, and swiped all the spare cash to her account, meaning the mortgage and insurance got paid but that was it. House was sold in a nano second, and all was done and dusted very quickly because he couldn't deny the affair.
Was before mobile phones, but she studiously ignored the letters and phone calls, and I'd say she's done brilliantly since, been married to No2 for years who is a super chap, they live a fabulous lifestyle and are very happy.

The best revenge will be you walking out of there with your head held high, moving on, having some fun and creating a wonderful life for yourself which he no longer has access to.

@Ariela that is a brilliant story! I bet the arsehole didn't know what had hit him.