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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel guilty

22 replies

ChocolateNoisette · 03/03/2019 19:41

Long story short, I have been working with same co-worker for a few weeks. I work in a team of 90% men and have never had an office romance/never will, it’s just not me, certainly not with someone who is taken. There are a few other guys in the team and we have coffees and lunch breaks together often. A bit of banter etc.

Colleague in question is in a long-term relationship and has kids. I do find him attractive but consciously and subconsciously find myself being friendlier with the other guys, asking them more questions, laughing at their jokes, in an effort not to build a rapport with him as I’m paranoid my crush will come out! At the same time, I have noticed him looking at me once or twice, body language always fully turned towards me even when chatting to others, occasionally breaks personal space, brought me to some drinks and acted quite proprietary towards me (I overheard some others in the group saying I was very attractive) and could see him watching me etc. We don’t chat a great deal but he always seems quite interested in finding out whether I’m single.

Perhaps all this is nothing and FYI I’m nothing special, I perhaps fill a particular “type” (young, tanned, long dark hair) but not that great.

This may well all be in my head but I guess what I’m asking is what can I do. I feel like I do like him but know it can never go anywhere, yet feel oddly guilty. Conversely he may just be a huge sleaze. I will possibly work with him again and don’t want to encourage anything nor be odd around him.

OP posts:
ChocolateNoisette · 03/03/2019 20:11

Anyone know where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
LaLaLamp · 03/03/2019 20:16

It's just a crush. Lots of people have them.

Orange6904 · 03/03/2019 21:14

Why are you giving this so much headspace? He's not available. He has a partner and kids.

Orange6904 · 03/03/2019 21:16

You've got nothing to feel guilty of...yet. Just do the usual; don't talk alone, take lunch breaks alone. Get on with work and think of Tom Hardy or something.

ChocolateNoisette · 03/03/2019 21:23

Agree with the above. I’m giving it headspace because to me it’s an inappropriate crush and I’m getting signals he finds me attractive. Obviously I won’t act on these. All came to a bit of a head when I went to some drinks of his last week and I overheard some others mentioning I was attractive. Shortly after he came over and beiefly put a hand briefly on my waist/lower back and seemed very talkative. I was a bit taken aback and don’t know if there was an element of him crudely showing the group i was connected to him? It happened so fast I didn’t tell him it wasn’t ok.

OP posts:
militarie · 03/03/2019 22:12

Hm op I would just say be careful

militarie · 03/03/2019 22:45

But also don’t beat yourself up as your havent done anything wrong

Orange6904 · 03/03/2019 22:52

Well even if he's giving you signals, he's got a family. You are active in the situation too, just stay professional and shut down any flirting. Keep away on work nights out etc, the usual stuff. He can't force you to flirt with him.

Orange6904 · 03/03/2019 22:53

Every time he sidles over say 'so how are your family, how is your partner' etc etc.

GroggyLegs · 03/03/2019 22:59

When he comes over & starts being chatty, ask lots of interested general questions about his wife and kids - as you would with any married female coworker. How old are the DC? Are they going away this year? What did you all get up to this weekend?

Rather pisses on a married man's attempts to flirt IME. Yuck.

GroggyLegs · 03/03/2019 23:00

Sorry sausage! X-post.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/03/2019 23:14

Shortly after he came over and beiefly put a hand briefly on my waist/lower back

Yeah everyone knows that's good sexual, proprietary undertones, it's not strictly speaking a sexual area but is close to them and is a common intimate, possessive touch/pose by men ...

Would he be doing it in front of his long-term partner and mother of his kids, I'm guessing no.

Would you be ok with it if your boyfriend/partner did it to another woman, I'm guessing no.

He could be just flirting/indulging himself with no intentions or it could be early steps towards cheating.

Unless you want caught up in that situation, with an attached man with a family, I'd work v hard on detaching from any crush and on making it crystal clear to him that you're not interested. As someone said, constantly bringing his partner and children into conversation etc.

Would you like it if your partner was acting like that, you could be her, that's who he is, concentrate on that.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/03/2019 23:15
  • that's got
Crunchymum · 03/03/2019 23:31

Have you namechanged? Someone posted about the hand on small of back recently? They didn't mention it was a man with kids and partner!!!

Misschipmunk · 03/03/2019 23:40

By you not telling him it’s not ok you’ve given him a green light. You need to tell him it’s inappropriate and he has a family with kids. If you start something with him in work your gonna be known as a family breaker and it’s going to affect your job etc. Leave him where he is there’s plenty of single people around

ChocolateNoisette · 03/03/2019 23:46

I would never do that - I’m polite and civil but nothing more, in fact barely engage in conversation with him initiated by me. He’s also senior to me. I would never do anything with him

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 04/03/2019 00:12

so why are you going on about this ? You know what to do ...

TheBlackDaliah · 04/03/2019 05:53

Why is the OP getting a bashing? She hasn't done anything and has no intention of doing anything.

Decormad38 · 04/03/2019 06:16

You seem to be thinking about him more than you should given that he is already in a relationship. Get busy and stop socialising as much. Where do people get the time at work to do all this?

Monty27 · 04/03/2019 06:21

He's a sexual predator don't you see? And you're falling for it hook line and sinker Hmm

AnyFucker · 04/03/2019 06:25

My advice is to get on with your work and stop spending so much time on bantz with male colleagues and daydreaming about how attractive they find you.

crimsonlake · 04/03/2019 09:14

You are clearly over thinking this and secretly enjoying the attention. I agree with AnyFucker you need to get on with your work and concentrate on that.

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