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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unwitting stepmum?

23 replies

Lunagirl78 · 03/03/2019 17:20

Hi all, have NC for this as it could be outing and I don't think I can bare to talk about this out loud with anyone if they do recognise other posts of mine.
Some background - me and dp have been together 5 years in April. 2 dc, who are 4 and 1. After youngest dc was born i was diagnosed with PND and post partum psychosis, it was frankly the worst time in all our lives and I'm only just feeling human again. A few months ago we received a letter from the child maintence service to say a woman was claiming to have a child by dp. Dp admits to having ONS with her before we met and accepts the child is his, starts paying maintenance. I'm trying my best not to let my paranoia and insecurity get the better of me, and am being as supportive as I can be...but it's so hard and I feel like an absolute bitch for feeling jealous? They live in a different city and we've been there this weekend so he could meet the DC and I kept a calm brave face on it but inside I feel like I'm going crazy again. I know he's doing the right things ( maintenance, contact etc ) but I'm so terrified of the future, of trying to be a good step mum. If anyone has any advice and or has been in this situation before, I'd be so grateful as I feel so lost right now...

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2019 18:45

Does the mother want you to have contact? Does your dh? Has he had a dna test to check paternity?

Arowana · 03/03/2019 18:49

How old is the child? Is he/she older than 5 (ie definitely before you)? It seems surprising the mum hasn't sought maintenance before?

I think you have to put aside your jealousy and let your DP be a dad to this child. I realise that's very hard though.

Original poster

Lunagirl78 · 03/03/2019 19:11

Thanks for the replies - yes the mum has said contact with me in the future is ok. But they both seem to think a dna test isn't needed, I have said a few times I think it's a good idea though. And yes the dc is older than 5, which again makes me think dna test is needed but it's not happened. I'm sort of stuck because I don't want to look unsupportive but demanding a test, after all it isn't really my place, is it? ( genuinely asking )

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunagirl78 · 03/03/2019 19:12

*by demanding

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 03/03/2019 19:16

Imo if your family money is supporting a dc you are entitled to know if you legally have to imo!!
Your dp is very naive also imo.

MulticolourMophead · 03/03/2019 19:19

I certainly wouldn't start paying without a dna test. Although, there could be genuine reason why a claim wasn't made before. Maybe the mother didn't know where the DP lived, or his full name, or wasn't in a good place herself... A late claim itself wouldn't make me suspicious. But I would want a test to be sure.

oldowlgirl · 03/03/2019 19:33

Absolutely reasonable to insist on a DNA test.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 03/03/2019 19:48

And maybe the woman chose the man who had the best chance of providing cms....

Timeforanewusername · 03/03/2019 19:55

Something similar happened to me OP.

My DH received a letter through the post from a solicitor informing him of an alleged son. He had a DNA test as the child's Mum was a bit of a loose cannon and it was all very casual (DH's words) and I now have a 10 year old SS. SS was 3 when we met him. We've never had an explanation for why he was a secret for three years or why she chose to make contact when she did either.

Musti · 03/03/2019 20:50

It must be a massive shock and no wonder you feel the way you do. Hadn't your husband asked her why she hasn't contacted him before? Does the child look like him,

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2019 21:42

Oh god, of course it’s your place. It’s your husband, your time, your joint money, life changing consequences for you and your children as well as your husband. Insist on a DNA test and remember you have options, you’re not in any way obligated to be okay with this or to make room in your family for any of this. It’s your husband’s problem but the impact in huge for you and you must be reeling. There seem to be many unanswered but obvious questions, you need to pursue answers.

Morgan12 · 03/03/2019 21:55

DNA now. I can't believe they don't think one is needed.

Crystalintheeyes · 03/03/2019 22:21

It’s your husband, your time, your joint money, life changing consequences for you and your children as well as your husband. Insist on a DNA test and remember you have options, you’re not in any way obligated to be okay with this or to make room in your family for any of this.

I agree with this 100%. I wouldn’t be happy at all if another child popped up out of the blue and then all of a sudden I have to accomadate that child, spend my weekends going backwards & forwards. Less money in the pot. The resentment would build until I reached breaking point.

You have a right to be pissed off about this and consider your options.

MulticolourMophead · 04/03/2019 07:45

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon
And maybe the woman chose the man who had the best chance of providing cms....

Or is just the latest bloke she's tried contacting. It's going to have a major impact on OP's life as well as on her DC so I think she does have a say. Her DH is being naive by not doing a test.

RaffertyFair · 04/03/2019 08:04

DNA test is essential for everyone's sake - including the child. They deserve certainty in what must be a really confusing situation for them as well as you

I really do feel for you. It is a massive thing to deal with that impacts on you and your family emotionally and financially. This has to be based on fact.

I would also look for professional support to ensure your mental health. It would knock most of us for 6 but you have already been through so much.

We don't expect families to adopt s child without guidance and support. Your family needs guidance and support too.

Original poster

Lunagirl78 · 04/03/2019 08:24

Thank you all for your replies, I've spent so long with this all going round and round in my head it's good to get others views and see that maybe I'm not being unreasonable by struggling with it. I talked to do last night about doing a dna test again, saying it's important for the DC aswell as us adults and he has agreed to do one. But he is sure the child is his, he sees alot of his features/personality in the child.
It's just so hard, I want to be supportive but I feel so overwhelmed by it all. He is now talking about us all moving close to them so he can be more involved! He says I've known about this situation for months now why am I still struggling with it but it's floored me completely. Thankfully I'm having CBT counselling so I'll have that space to be able to talk about it, but I hate feeling so threatened and frightened by an innocent child who hasn't asked for any of this

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 04/03/2019 08:47

Ime people sometimes see what they want to see.
Have you ever watched Jeremy Kyle??
Not always the daddy!!
Ime ring cms and get them to arrange dna testing via a reputable company.
You all need the truth. Especially the dc.

Crystalintheeyes · 04/03/2019 13:41

Moving? So your kids will have to leave there family and friends to please him when you haven’t even had a dna test yet ?

Grumpelstilskin · 04/03/2019 14:14

I would refuse to discuss anything until that DNA test. And no meetings or building up any form of contact until then because there is a chance this is not his kid and be cruel for everyone involved, especially for that child if it turns out that he isn’t the dad. While in some ways it is admirable that there is a man willing to step up to the responsibility, this cannot happen at the expense of his primary family. Your children should not be some innocent hostages in assuaging his possible guilt trip.

Happynow001 · 04/03/2019 17:54

Totally agree with Grumpelstilskin. Your partner is trying to railroad you into something which needs a great deal of thought (even if the DNA test proves positive). Where is the thought for you and your own children in his kneejerk reaction? Where is the discussion and dealing with this as a team?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2019 18:02

Your DP is doing the right thing by stepping up but that doesn't mean that your life and your kids aren't important - the 4 yo is presumably Inn school or registered for orne? Local family and friends etc? You don't have to rip all that up because he didn't use enough contraception 6 or 7 years ago.
Yes if the child is his he needs to be a good Dad to them all but you don't have to rip your lives apart to do so.

MulticolourMophead · 04/03/2019 18:30

But he is sure the child is his, he sees alot of his features/personality in the child.

People see what they want to see. I've seen plenty of families try to convince each other that their LO looks like X or Y or Z on whatever side of the family, and that's when paternity isn't in doubt.

Why should your DC have their lives ripped up to move closer to the other child? A good relationship can still be formed, but at this stage it should be slow so that everyone can get their heads around it. Assuming the DNA test confirms paternity, which has to be the first step.

Your DH is clearly feeling guilty here, when on the face of it he has no need to be as he wasn't contacted until recently. He needs to realise he has to balance the needs of all the children, or the DC he has with you may one day end up feeling resentful.

pallisers · 04/03/2019 19:28

But he is sure the child is his, he sees alot of his features/personality in the child.

I am very like both my mum and my dad in terms of personality. My dd1 is the image of my mum too. They are my adoptive parents.

Get a dna test. I think that child deserves to know for certain who is his father.

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