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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kind of relationship???

24 replies

Charles120 · 03/03/2019 08:31

Hi sorry this will end up a long post so please bare with me....
So just before Christmas I met someone on tinder and we really hit it off, I carried on dating as was just casual and because one evening he told me he might go back to his family.... so move on 2+ months and I’ve really started falling for him!!! So the problem is his ex the one he said he might go back to is very controlling and only allows him to see his kids at her house and if he wants to take them out then she goes like a family.... and because she can’t know about me he doesn’t take his phone with him and he can be there from 9am to 9pm and I’m left wondering all day what’s happy and they still a couple as he can go 3/4/5 times a week. So the other evening I told him all my fears and told him I’d like us to eventually progress to a relationship and he said this couldn’t happen as he would feel bad for his kids... he told me it’s a kind of relationship anyway but doesn’t want to call it a relationship as he feels he would be cheating on his kids!!!!! My problem is am I being stringed along or is he broken from his controlling ex and honestly feels like this and I’m just being paranoid??? Help

OP posts:

Charlou19 · 03/03/2019 08:34

She’s not his ex. They are still together

Grobagsforever · 03/03/2019 08:35

He's still living with his wife. You're being fooled. RUN AWAY and spend some time single so you can figure out why you tolerate this nonsense

NotANotMan · 03/03/2019 08:35

Yes you're being strung along
He's clearly with her or in the process of going back to her

Dirtybadger · 03/03/2019 08:36

Sounds like she is still his partner. They spend more time together than most couples....certainly sounds like she doesn't know they've broken up. Even if she was controlling after the break up he would be able to send a text once in 12 hours

Chuck him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2019 08:40

You are well and truly being strung along here by him. I daresay that her version of events is somewhat different to what he has told you.

Throw this one back now, this is no man that you should be involved with at all. Value yourself more than this and work on having a higher relationship bar going forward through counselling.

category12 · 03/03/2019 08:43

He's told you it's not and can't be a relationship. He's right.

Cut your losses now, end it, don't waste any more time or energy on this mess.

Carblover · 03/03/2019 08:44

I agree ...he was either always still with her or they have got back together... my guess
always been together
if he saw them up to 5 times a week 9-9 when did he have any time for you?

How can you be cheating on the children

Bubba1234 · 03/03/2019 08:52

He’s still with her.

Original poster

Charles120 · 03/03/2019 09:11

Thankyou everyone obviously not what I wanted to hear but what I have always deep down known.. He did say he would only be with her for the kids. But that could also be a lie who knows??
I think he ment cheating on his kids as I also have kids and when he spends time with them he thinks he should be doing these things with his kids..

OP posts:

pissedonatrain · 03/03/2019 09:20

Most likely just you garden variety lying cheating married man. Bin.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2019 09:39

End whatever it is and block him. He was setting you up to be a secret from day 1.

Notcoolmum · 03/03/2019 09:39

Ugh. I’m going through something similar. I thought we were in a relationship and then he told me he wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship due to his ex and kids... although mine said he didn’t want to go back he was also consumed with apparent guilt at the idea of his children knowing he was seeing someone else.

Have you seen where he lives? Where do you go out on dates? Has he met your kids? What did you say when he said he might go back to his family? What made you see him again after he said that?!

I haven’t let mine go completely yet either so I’m not judging. But I’ve gone back on the apps and pulling things right back until i know how I feel and get the measure of the situation a bit better. If he said he was considering going back though, that would be the end for me.

Lovemusic33 · 03/03/2019 09:47

Run for the hills, why would you want to be with someone who may go back to his wife? He shouldn’t be dating until he knows that he’s available and he’s sorted out contact with his kids (without her being there). Really it’s not worth it, been there and got the t-shirt.

Original poster

Charles120 · 03/03/2019 09:52

Hi notcoolmum
He does live alone I have been to his house they have apparently been on off for 8 years but he went back a year and a half ago and as a result have a young child aswell. He has met my kids and is great with them but I knew he would as he must be a good dad as he speaks about his kids with such love but I only know minimal things about his old life... when he said he might go back I was upset but this was right at the start and I wasn’t looking for anything serious then so thought that’s ok can just be fun for now but I have let myself fall for him!!!
I think I am just going to like you pull back and see what happens..

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 03/03/2019 09:55

A young dc tells you they still have sex. You are therefore the ow.
You deserve much more op.

frenchonion · 03/03/2019 09:55

Don't pull back, pull out. This is no good for you. He's playing happy families and you're the side piece. Find your ovaries and woman the fuck out of this mess.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 03/03/2019 09:58

It doesn’t matter who he feels he is “cheating on”

Don’t pull back - end it.
He is not emotionally available.

And stop introducing your kids to men you’ve known for 2 months and are not in a proper relationship with

IncrediblySadToo · 03/03/2019 10:01

Pull back?

You need to pull out.

Shall I put it bluntly?! He’s fucking you because his wife is shattered having the kids to look after by herself while he’s fucking her about and fucking you. He’s probably thrown her some drama shite so he gets to have his cake (wife & family) and eat it (separate shag pad).

You have nothing but his say that his wife is controlling. It’s the oldest ‘fuck me but I can’t be in a relationship with you’ excuse in the book.

Wise up for your own sake & that of your kids.

NotANotMan · 03/03/2019 10:06

Why the ever loving fuck have you let a man you have dated for 2 months meet your children?

Notcoolmum · 03/03/2019 11:17

OP, I do think you are going to get hurt if you carry on. He’s been honest to say he might go back to his family. I wouldn’t let him near your children again. What would you advise a friend in this situation? X

SandyY2K · 03/03/2019 11:26

Why the ever loving fuck have you let a man you have dated for 2 months meet your children?

This in spades^..^

Not wise at all.

Orange6904 · 03/03/2019 12:33

You can't really know someone after 2 months. I would end this now as there are so many warning signs. Even the line 'staying for the kids' he's fed you is the one of the oldest lines in the book.

Original poster

Charles120 · 03/03/2019 14:05

He was around my kids as my ex doesn’t have them very much and I would never find time to see him..
But I will move on as I agree with what you are saying and will have the chat tonight

OP posts:

category12 · 03/03/2019 14:37

Maybe you should rethink dating at all if you can't do it without introducing your kids before you've even known a guy 3 months.

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