Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I cut my losses

12 replies

Whatdoyouthink143 · 03/03/2019 03:09

Hi im a regular poster but have named changed.
I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We get along great and I really like him a lot.
But.... due to a really valid and serious reason he hasn’t told his kids or ex about him dating again. I’m not looking to meet his children or anything but it’s beginning to feel like I’m having an affair. It all seems to be on his terms, we meet quite last minute which I don’t like. It makes me feel like I’m being fitted in when he has nothing else on. He messages me all the time and phones and that’s all lovely but I’m not looking for a pen pal.
He has a good relationship with his ex and has been separated for a few years but he goes round to visit his children each night. The kids spend time at both their houses but he likes to see them all each day. This is another issue maybe in terms of them still needing this daily contact at his old house and them for some part of each day almost pretending they are still the family they always were. Now just to make it clear I have absolutely no issue with him seeing his kids but it makes it difficult for me to see how a new relationship would fit into this dynamic also if he was being upfront about it to his family I maybe wouldn’t feel as insecure about it.

OP posts:
Dontcallmedaisy · 03/03/2019 03:27

Is it really that good a reason? Is it so good it's likely to nean things remain as they are for a long time?

I think no matter how good a reason it was, this doesnt sound sustainable long term. If they'd been split a long time and this reason is VERY temporary I might consider having a bit more patience otherwise, yes I'd cut my losses

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink143 · 03/03/2019 03:32

It is a very very good reason. But temporary, Infact coming to an end now. I think I’m all honestly he needs to meet my effort now. If not I’m out. Not sure if I should have this conversation or see what happens

OP posts:
Monty27 · 03/03/2019 03:35

I dumped a man once because I felt like his mistress and his DC's were adults. He'd drop me like a brick at their behest and stay at his exes. On the sofa of course Hmm Confused

Ifonlybatshadhats · 03/03/2019 03:45

Hmmm, a strange situation. Not one I would be happy with. Do you trust him?

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink143 · 03/03/2019 03:55

I do, I think that’s why it’s really difficult to decide what to do.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 03/03/2019 04:29

I trusted my ex. But in my gut I knew I didn't come first. We are talking adult DC's here. One married and the other in a ltr. The ex wife lived 100 miles away and they would all go together.
My point is if you feel like a mistress you probably are. Or he doesn't care for you enough.

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink143 · 03/03/2019 04:35

It’s early days though that’s what I’m trying to balance in my head. Am I expecting too much or because it’s not sitting right with me enough to just call it quits

OP posts:
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 04:52

It's early days. A good man isn't going to put someone he's only been with a few months before his DC and their mother.

I'd give him a chance now that this reason is coming to an end, if you really like him your patience could really pay off in the long run xx

Monty27 · 03/03/2019 04:53

I left it for a while. 4 bank holidays later I was done.

finn1020 · 03/03/2019 05:14

Starting your relationship being “all on his terms” is pretty crap. Plus, the way he’s still intertwined with his ex (which he must be if he’s going to her house to see the kids daily) to me says he’s not really free to give a new relationship the time it deserves. Are his kids really little? It seems like an odd way to parent and handle the breakup of a relationship with that much contact, it’s like they’re almost still together. And even if it’s “coming to an end” any change will take time.

But regardless of this, is this arrangement really what you want? If it works for him and his ex that’s fine for them, but it doesn’t sound like it is for you. If it was me I’d cut my losses now, it wouldn’t work for me in the same way that (prior to meeting my now partner), I wouldn’t have dated a man with young kids as mine were all in their teens and regular care of little kids in a family environment was definitely not something I wanted to do again. It’s what works for you and it doesn’t sound like this does. Maybe if you want to hang in there a bit longer, give yourself some clear relationship goals and a deadline.

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink143 · 03/03/2019 09:11

Thanks for all your messages. I think I’m going to be upfront and speak to him about it. His response will determine what I do.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/03/2019 09:36

When the temporary issue ends, see if there's any change. That's what I would do.

If the after the issue is dealt with, his routine is still to see his Ex/kids every day, then that's not something I'd necessarily be happy with if it meant I was just being fitted into his plans like an afterthought.

I would in no way raise him seeing his kids everyday as an issue, because that's not my place, but it wouldn't work for me, so I'd bow out if it continued and just say it's not working for me.

The not telling them about you, isn't a big deal for now. He may want to wait until it's been a certain length of time to see how serious it is with you both.

If I was a secret from everyone, family and friends included, then I'd start to wonder.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread