This is very long . The first post I typed seemed to vanish which is very frustrating .
I’m an old time munsnetter who has been away a while and I had to change my name slightly as I couldn’t get into my old account .
I have been split from my husband for seven years and have five dcs aged 27 to 8 . I’d been doing really well on my own until three years ago a man I knew from a few years back but not well and had been Facebook friends with . Popped up on Facebook on his page with loads of posts about his narcissistic ex who had totally screwed him over and thrown him out and how broken and desperate he was . I messaged asking if he was ok and he asked me to call him . During the lengthy conversation he told me his ex was a vile monster who had cheated on him and thrown him out of the pub they ran . He said she was controlling and he’d felt trapped for at least a year and not in love with her but that she had now done this to him . He’d had to move into a family holiday home and was in a bad way . She’d left him with debts and now he was going to have to go bankrupt . I fekt awful for him . Very quickly he was calling me morning noon and night and started telling me how we had so many cononcidences and how he wished he’d met me years ago . I felt a real and genuine connection . A few times he made the conversation sexual but I changed the subject . He invited me to visit . I went and over two days he treated me like a goddess . I did notice though that he was a heavy drinker . On day three he blew up at me for no reason . Accused me of inviting myself down and coming onto him despite the fact that I knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was really shocked and slightly frightened by him . That night he ignored me and I was left reeling wondering what I’d done wrong .
Later he calmed down and asked me if we could just go with the flow .. stupidity I agreed . I wish I’d run when I had the chance . He showed me emails from his ex where she’d accused him of sleeping with other women . Throwing drunken rages at her and drinking all the profits . (Looking back I bet he slept with all the bar maids ) 😞
Over the next two years I have lived in a personal hell where I really did think I couldn’t live without him . He would rage at me that I was putting too much pressure on him and cut me off for a day or two before calling again (he was lonely and I think I was all he had ) . Other times he’d tell me I was everything he wanted and that he just needed more time . Then five minutes later he’d rage at me that he didn’t want a relationship . Other times he’d tell me he didn’t want to see me again because it was too much pressure and he’d always made it clear that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I lived in a cycle of fear and anxiety .. I was suspicious of his so called innocent female friends but he’d accuse me of being jealous and paranoid . His family adored me and he would tell them I was wonderful but he wasn’t ready to commitvagain . His mum was always saying to me that he was so damaged by this evil woman .
His fb has virtually every woman he’d ever slept with on there . He’d slag them all off then next minute he’d be tagging them in posts . After tearing me down on the phone he’d then come back and tell me how much he loved me and beg me to go see him . He’d then turn round and accuse me of going down uninvited .
We went to see bands together . To family dos of his and weekends away but then later he’d claim that I’d instigated these .
Yes there were many times when I’d ask to go see him but he’s always bite my hand off . During all this time he would call every day straightvafter work and before he went to bed (usually to go on and on about his dreadful life and to rant about someone who had upset him ) but when I went through some serious things such as being admitted to hospital he would reject my calls and when I made frantic attempts to get through he’d accuse me of being a stalker . During these times he’d block me everywhere too .
His favourite phrase was why can’t you just chill .. so I’d try to .. yet even when things were good it felt like he’d engineer an argument .
Other times I would make a special effort to look nice and he’d never notice so I’d say do I look ok and he’d say you look great I told you earlier when I knew he hadn’t .
Other times he’d act as though he was in love with me .. playing songs to me saying the lyrics were relevant and this is how he fekt about me
However .. we planned a holiday together then a week before hand he yelled at me down the phone saying he didn’t want me to come as he was fed up of me banging on about other women ( I suspected something was going on with a woman he was messaging a lot ) Ivwas devastated and he went away alone .after he got back declared his undying love to me and begged me to go and see him . I went and then he told me he’d slept with the woman I was suspicious of and blamed me saying I’d gone on about her so much I’d pushed him into bed with her . Several more months of hell have ensued with him calling me two weeks ago telling me that he’d realised he’d been a fool andthat really he should be with me . He fekt such a connection . We could finish each other’s sentences etc etc no one understood him like me . However I was so drained and exhausted by this time I realised I needed to get away so I asked to go and see him last weekend with the full intention of getting some proof that I wasn’t going mad .
When I got there he was really off with me . He seemed nervous and looking over his shoulder when we went out .
When we got back he didn’t seem that interested in me and asked me if I was definitely going home the next day as he was busy after work . I smelt a bloody great rat .. so the next morning while he was in the shower I grabbed his Apple Watch (his phone was always glued on him and locked ) he’d left it on charge and I got into it and saw the whole horrific nightmare in glorious technicolour.
He’d been cheating or attempting to cheat for the whole 2.5 years with various women . 😞 He’d slept with at least three women and had been coming onto countless women he was friends with on Facebook. They were all getting the same story . He was lonely and hard done by and I was a friend with a crush who had a mental health problem . Thexwoman he confessed to he’d been seeing for two months .. he’d been declaring undying love to her and sending her meaningful songs but she hadn’t fekt easy and ended it the day before Valentine’s Day .
The next day he had gone straight to his local where he goes every day and chatted up the bar maid .. just before I came down he had invited her round after her shift and slept with her and was planning on meeting up with her but I’d spoiled his plans by coming down . He’d told her I was a friend .
I confronted him about everything .. he went beserk saying I was paranoid and obsessive .. that I made shit up and that he was just trying to get a social life and now I had ruined it .
I went home and he then coldly and calmly called me up saying he never wanted to see me again . That we weren’t compatible after all . That he couldn’t deal with my constant paranoia and that He was fed up of the barrage of bullshit he constantly got from me . He then blocked me everywhere .
I spent 48 hours reading up on narcs after my friend send me the extract from Lundy Bancroft detailing The Player abuser and it was him .
His best female friend messaged me saying I’d blown it with him with my harrassment and that I was making him I’ll !
Him I’ll ?! I feel like an empty shell right now .
I realise he was just looking for supply all the time and he’s coldly dropped me because he’s found the perfect source . A woman who in his hessagrs he said was very sexy . Works in his local and who will just pop round when he snaps his fingers 😞 As I type he’ll be with her now but I’m trying not to further myself .
However .. I know now that I don’t deserve this . That I deserve better and that rather than crying I need to congratulate myself on finally being free .. but Right now I feel utterly bereft at having lost myself . At allowing this treatment . I don’t even know who I am anymore