Feel like a bad friend

[strugglingfriend]

Name changed for this. Sorry if I waffle, wine effects

I'm finding it hard to maintain my friendship with someone who had an affair. The marriage has been rocky for years, he's an alcoholic, they have one child and she is very unhappy in the marriage. She contemplated this affair for ages with a guy that she's known for a long time and was previously unfaithful with him (ons) a few years back but recently started back up with him again.

She's come clean to her husband and although he originally wanted to divorce he is now buying her expensive gifts, suggesting holidays, and doesn't seem too bothered by the affair from what she says.

My friend wants to divorce and has told him this but she won't initiate it while he is still drinking. I don't think he's ever initiated anything in his life. I don't see him ever being sober, especially now he knows she's not committed to him. Mentally she's left but keeks saying how sweet and thoughtful and generous he's being. She says she can't physically leave because of the effect on their daughter and finances.

I know it's not my problem but how do I handle the friendship when I disapprove very strongly of what she's done? I was cheated on by a long term partner and father of my dc and it was horrific.

I feel sorry for their 8 year old daughter who is caught up in what sounds like a very confusing home life as it's silent treatment, sulking, separate rooms, moods and hidden bottles of vodka in the office yet all loving and thoughtful on occasion. I grew up with an alcoholic and know how it affected me with the constant anxiety and treading on eggshells.

I know I'm probably projecting a lot here and am very sensitive to the situation because of my own experiences but I'd appreciate any words of wisdom.

I've started over the past weeks distancing myself a bit from the texts about the relationship. I know she's very unhappy, I know he's unhappy, but I can't condone her behaviour and she knows I strongly disapprove. She's no longer seeing the man she cheated with but still wants to and I don't think it would take much for her to start seeing him again.

I'm trying to be a good friend but finding it tough. What can I do?

Bumping for the morning crowd.

Yes, her behaviour hasn’t been great but it sounds like there are a lot of problems in the marriage, she’s had to deal with a lot and she has also been honest with him. Have you tried to see things from her perspective? She may have been looking for a way out with this guy. She’s obviously very mixed up. You don’t have to condone what she has done, but a friend would support her through it. She can probably get some help through eg Al-Anon which helps support families of alcoholics.

Have you had any counselling to help process your experience? It sounds like this is bringing this up and it might be helpful for you. You may be able to find low-cost counsellors in your area.

Thank you. I think I feel torn because I want to support her and am doing my best but don't approve of what she's done so feel two faced if that makes sense? I advised her to end her marriage a long long time ago but she seems duty bound to stick by her DH and is full of guilt. It's no way to live. The guy she had the affair with knew the situation and took advantage of her vulnerability knowing how confused and unhappy she was. She is now more confused and more unhappy.
I've made my peace with my own experiences over the years but yes, it's difficult.

What's her reasoning behind not initiating divorce while he's drinking? That's just giving him a reason to keep drinking.

She feels she owes it to him to support him through getting sober. He says he needs her support. I think she's afraid of being on her own and the effects on their child but the child is already affected by the drinking and toxic relationship. I think he's manipulating her into staying because he has no intention of getting sober. He does very little in terms of household chores or childcare and I don't see how he'd cope with a 50:50 custody arrangement which is what they'd both want she's said. I personally wouldn't want my child to have 50:50 contact with someone drinking to the extent he is. I'm amazed he's kept his job and driving licence.

Oh dear.

Well, tbh, I think she probably had the affair wanting him to pull the plug on the relationship, because she's so screwed up by co-dependence and feeling care obligations to him, that she doesn't feel she can end it herself. She didn't confess wanting forgiveness, she wanted him to throw her out. In my opinion.

So I don't think you should judge her on her infidelity, really.

She needs to look into co-dependence.

I hadn't thought of it like that in terms of her forcing him into a decision. They are definitely codependent. When she told him he said he was contacting a solicitor to start the divorce the next day but then changed his mind. She's having therapy so I'm hoping that helps her. I think he's mildly abusive and she needs to leave but only she can make that decision.
She was wrong to have an affair but I do understand why she did it.

We met for lunch on Monday. She'd found 10 empty bottles of vodka hidden in the office. That's since Christmas. He claims the alcohol service he's seeing have said he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't drink in the day and therefore is just a binge drinker He drinks cider in the evenings too. Not just the vodka. He can't go the day without several drinks.
He's holding her hostage with his denial and manipulation (says he never wanted to marry her but felt he should, wanted to leave, she's selfish and can't be who he wants her to be etc) but she can't see that she needs to leave him. She'll be 50 next year and has wasted so many years on him.
I'm so glad she's having therapy and hope it helps her gain the courage to leave. Or kick him out.

Well, she'd decided to leave him. But changed her mind. She's going to wait and see if he quits drinking before deciding what she's doing. She's been making this decision for years now so I think pp was right about co-dependence. He doesn't want her to go to therapy though. Because he feels it's too much for HIM to cope with
I'm doing a lot of gritting my teeth and trying to be supportive.