Dp only wants to go out if parents are,? This normal?

[Acalavero]

Dp making no effort to go out as a couple. I'm really struggling with this as I never go out anymore since birth of 1 year old dd.
But what has made me really upset/angry is dp only seems to "agree" or be on board if his parents are gonna invited?!? Ok he is really close to them but will give an example of what's happened in the past week:

I said I really wanted to go for a carvery at brilliant carvery , not just me &him - the kids too as felt like we needed a change, he got moody started going on about cost n how far it was. Then when my older dd persisted he said "well I have an idea, can ask my mum &dad to see if they'll join us" so then rings them up as soon as they said yes, he is all keen to go. I didn't say anything but it did hurt as it seems he didn't want to go just as a family?

2nd situation even worse. For the past few weeks since he's come back from training Iv asked if we can go to city centre like we used to ages&ages ago . We live on outskirts so city centre is a train journey away , he's made excuses usually saying that it's too far away, would cost a lot of money to get there&back when we could easily just go to our local pub.

I understand this but like I said to him it's not like we do it often, fact not even in a blue moon! It's more we haven't done it for years!(can't even remember when) & I've felt like it recently
Then because I wasn't backing down I mentioned could we do it on my birthday (which is 2 weeks away) n purposely mentioned we could invite his parents along as I know they enjoy doing this too.
Straight away, he seemed to change again n much more keen so when he asked them n they agreed he was alll for it n actually seemed excited! Is this normal? Just feel so hurt that he doesn't seem to want to spend an evening out with just me?!? Or the kids. He does work away often n had told me he gets sick of eating out in restaurants n the pressure to go out n socialise with colleagues but it makes me upset that he doesn't appreciate it from my side- I work AND have to look after the kids so to let my hair down n go out is a big luxury for me!

AIBU?

Ask him about it specifically, why does he not want to go with you and children but happy when his parents are included?

Oh god I couldn’t accept that in a man. What a man baby.

Do his parents pay OP? Could this have something to do with it?

Is it because he expects his parents to pay for everything?

Thanks so much for responses! Omg I feel that this is definitely an issue now after ppl asking if parents pay. No they do not!! He pays for them!!
He paid for whole carvery saying it was his treat!
Parents are pensioners/have retired from working abroad so he always offers or pays.
Granted they have done a lot for him like buying him the house we live in. And they also do the childcare two days a week which saves us a fair bit.

I think I will have to ask him, just wanted peoples reactions because sometimes I feel I'm overreacting as it's his parents . I do get on with them but when I hear from friends or social media about them always going out as just a COUPLE it does start to worry me if it's normal

Sorry but I’d be totally turned off any any man who had to bring mummy and daddy along all the time. I’d kick up an almighty fuss, and if that didn’t wake him up he’d very quickly find that any attraction I had for him would die stone dead.

But that kind of man would very likely be the kind of man who’d sit around whining about not having any idea that anything was wrong, and oh poor me isn’t it awful, my wife left me totally out of the blue...

It's nice that he cares about his parents, and wants to include them. (Maybe not every time, though). In some cultures, that's the norm. "Honour thy mother and thy father" and all that...

@Singlenotsingle

True but he is as British as they come! Actually I'm the one from a foreign religious family. His family are atheist so it's odd but hurtful because he's not like that with my parents. He actually wants to go after half an hour if were ever round my parents house

My god this would drive me mad. You are definitely not in the wrong to be bothered by it. It’s really quite strange.

Does he like you and enjoy your company? Is he kind to you and appreciative of what you do for the family? If not then there are deeper issues here.

Do his parents fuss over him and give him whatever he wants?

He can honour his mother and father all he likes, but it’s not going to come at the expense of his relationship with me and his commitment to me, and he certainly would not be dismissing my needs and only favouring those of his parents for very long, otherwise I would be withdrawing his coupleship privileges.

Maybe he feels he owes them... And doesn't want to be seen by his parents "wasting money that could have bought your home. so if takes them and buys them their tea it sort of makes no for it. Pride? Also maybe the reason he always offers to pay....

I’d call his bluff!

“If your parents are invited so are mine!And mean it!”

Maybe he wants a buffer between you and him or maybe he wants to kill two birds with one stone - take out the wife/take out the parents - maybe he does it at the same time for efficiency reasons. Clearly not romantic.

Is it possible he wants a help with the kids. Going into a city centre or for a meal can sometimes be stressful with kids involved but if he knows there will be extra hands then he maybe thinks it will be ok? Sometimes it's hard to enjoy what you're actually doing because it's all about taming the children.
To be honest it would really irritate me because I wouldn't want to spend that much time with my in-laws but have you simply asked why he only does things with his parents too? Is he happy to do local non stressful things just you guys?

Thanks everyone
Yeah I can see how it could be help with kids , tbf they do help but that doesn't explain why only wanted to go for drinks in city centre IF they were coming!!!
The kids won't be going out to city centre. It was a plan I had to do for my birthday after kids in bed- basically a pub crawl. He was making all kinds of excuses: money, time, how would we get back etc as last train is 11.05pm but when I just suggested casually his parents could come, he went and asked them. They seemed really up for it and suddenly he was too! I feel quite hurt by it especially because it's for my Birthday!

That’s just really shitty. I would not be happy about that and I’d be telling him. Seriously, wtf? He was happy to bring mummy and daddy along to your birthday drinks with him?? Have you actually told him that you want to go out with him, the two of you as a couple, not as a family outing? Ugh my nether regions would be shrivelling up.

Oh yes then that's just really weird. I don't understand why he'd want to bring his parents out on a double date. Think you need to just be pretty blunt and ask wtf he's thinking.

Why on earth did you ask for his parents to come. Clearly he thinks you want them to be around.
Have you actually spoken to him, because osmosis isn’t the best form of communication in a relationship

Talk to him about it. I'd tell you feel as if he doesn't want to spend time with you and the kids on outings without his parents but thought you were imagining it, until the birthday incident.

Ask for an explanation.

If you don't get one I'd cancel the birthday outing and go with friends instead.

OP I recognise your user name, no this isn’t normal and I think just more proof about where you are in his pecking order and the fact he is still a spoilt child

Agree with sandyY2k, you need to know what he thinks.

Some people are avoidant even in a marriage. He's keeping you at a distance by surrounding yourselves with other adults. It could be that the open dialogue you need to have is precisely the conversation he's trying to avoid.

acalavero

Are you married to this individual?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what needs of yours does he still meet?. He is really a selfish manchild and a bad example of a partner. He is trying to keep you down for his own reasons.

I would be asking also why you and he are together now. He does not value you as a person at all and puts his own self and his parents well above you.

You have written previously about him and what you write of him then is not great either. I would look seriously at why you are with him at all now because what he is doing is also teaching your kids crap examples about relationships too.

OP, as per your comment on the other thread that Attila mentioned, he is severely financially abusive. From that comment, and from what you describe above, he seems to just see you as, at best, a convenience. Do you have daughters? This will not go unnoticed by them.