How do I ever leave him?

[Oceanosca]

I'm stuck in a relationship with the father of my 2 young children.

I've fallen completely out of love with him and know that I need to get my ducks in a row.

He adores DCs and they adore him, but a big part of me wanting to leave is his failure to meet their basic needs. He is oblivious to dangers in the home and imo creates them, he doesn't ensure that they eat a healthy diet if I'm not there 100% keeping on top of everything, in fact they would just live on chips, he is messy, dirty and distracted from family life. If it wasn't for me, there wouldn't be a single working fire alarm in our house. He doesn't notice when they're ill and fails to take their temperature, he once delayed calling an ambulance when one child became unconscious after a serious illness.

But he loves his children, adores them and he will want shared custody. The children will no doubt want it too as they adore him back. He's fun and kind and easy going.

But I can never leave him, because I can't trust him to take good care of them.

The only other person who has witnessed his neglectful behaviours is my mother. To everyone else he is a wonderful father and partner to me. He's fun loving, very accommodating and people love him. If I were to restrict his access to the children, my life would be made a total misery.

Is there a way out of this?

I would not think what you have described constitutes neglect so unless you can prove it with evidence beyond your mothers word you would have a difficult time in court.

I don't want to do that. I don't think it constitutes neglect in the eyes of the law either. I just feel extremely uneasy leqving the children in his care for half the week. I would never actively stop his from seeing the children. They adore each other. But I'm not sure they would be particularly safe in his care for long periods.

Op maybe book a tactical paediatric first aid course for you both before you leave him?

There must be more to it than this? If he's kind and loving but his only flaw is he's a bit laissez-faire with the kids, is that really enough to break up the family?

I would not blithely assume that his actions or lack of re his children do not constitute neglect. Perhaps an answer here would be for he to see his children in a contact centre. This comment to me is a red flag re him: -

"If I were to restrict his access to the children, my life would be made a total misery"

So are you suggesting that he could use these children to get back at you as punishment say for you having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him. This is what an abusive person would do. No person though is above the law.

Why do you think he adores his children and they he?. Children love their parents anyway no matter how rubbish they actually are.

It sounds like he only loves his own self here and perhaps has behaved deliberately incompetently so that he is never asked to do a specific task (e.g any DIY or housework ever again). Do you think he is this incompetent at work; no not likely. I would think that they not so much adore him as fear him; they will learn as you have done to tread carefully around him. I would not think he would willingly do a first aid course either.

I am right in thinking as well that your previous and very recent thread on your husband was practically unanimous in stating that your DH was the problem.

Are you sure he'll want shared custody OP? From your other thread it sounded like he couldn't wait to get rid of the kids and run out of the house to do his thing.

You sound a bit neurotic OP. I have found few men who are so diligent on these things and those that are go the other way and are irritating beyond belief.

From observing many women go thro this in my career, I'd say it gets better as they get older. But they are half his, made half by him and you can not deny him contact. Like I say, it will slowly get better as they become more reliable themselves.

Neurotic about calling an ambulance for an unconscious child?

Op my ex is like this. I know exactly what you mean. He did nothing if dc were sick, just left until ds developed infections etc instead of seeing a doc. And if he was on meds eg antibiotics, wouldn't give it to him. Let dc drink water from a dirty creek, didn't make dc wear seatbelts. Really idiotic with everyday things. It was like leaving him with a toddler in charge.

He was also emotionally abusive. I had to keep a record of everything that happened and photographs of any evidence. He also always wanted things on his terms, wasn't exactly Mr Reliable. He might have made noise about wanting shared custody but the reality was he didn't really want to look after dc or change his life.