I need some advice about dating someone who's autistic

[HeyAssbutt]

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a really nice guy. He's really funny and we get on well. He's told me he's autistic. Makes no difference to me. But I dont really have any experience with autistic adults, I have worked with autistic children in the past. We saw each other last night and had a nice time but when we went back to mine for coffee he told me he was uncomfortable because of the new surroundings. I told him I completely understood and it was ok if he wanted to go. I now feel really bad that I made him uncomfortable.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I think I want to keep seeing him but I don't want to overwhelm him. I can be quite upfront and outgoing sometimes. Now I'm just worried I'm going to be worrying all the time about whether he's ok with what's happening everytime we meet.

Does anyone have any advice or experience I can draw from?

You like him, he likes you, so just keep enjoying eachothers company.
Good luck, keep laughing xx

Everyone is different. Our son is only young, but he appreciates directness, so this man might quite like that you’re upfront. Seeing as he’s been so open with you I’d not be scared to ask questions. Just ask him what he’s comfortable with. Maybe he’d find it easier visiting your place in the daytime until he’s more used to the surroundings? Maybe he’ll always prefer his own surroundings or returning home to sleep. You’ll just need to chat about things :)

Depends what sort of person you are and how much closeness you want. My partner is autistic- i figured this out recently after being with him 5 years and misinterpreting so many things - thinking there was something wrong with me because he didn't want to do relationship stuff which I see as 'normal' - like sharing how we feel or being physically affectionate outside of sex. Ive tried to adjust by needing/wanting less but the upshot is I'm lonely as hell.

That's something I do worry about. I do like my own space but it's also nice to have someone to cuddle with

Bump

Every autistic person is different, just as every neurotypical person is different. I'm msrried to an autistic man with one diagnosed autistic son and the other is the one everyone assumes is autistic so he may have traits too. I'm so used to them, I feel weirder around NT people.

It's true they don;t like change, though the degree to which this is true varies hugely. Though it occurs to me that DH was never comfortable in my flat so we lived at his, and he had to be almost bullied into moving house, even though he wanted to in theory and we needed space with DC on the way.

Upsides: humour - definitely. Loyalty. They don't like change, so once they're in a relationship they are happy and want to stay in it. If that means a lot to you, it's a big plus.

My advice would be to be very direct about things you need want or expect. You could say, "If we keep seeing each other, I want you to keep visiting my house until you are familiar with it so that you can feel comfortable here."

There's loads on line, and books too, about NT and ASD relationships.

Thank you everyone. These replies are very helpful for me

I'm on the spectrum and am extremely tactile and affectionate, just not to people I don't want to be close to!

We're all different souls!

"They don't like change, so once they're in a relationship they are happy and want to stay in it. If that means a lot to you, it's a big plus."

You'd want someone to stay with you because they actually want to though, not just because they don't like change.

Lots of good info online. Look at the faaas website and theneurotypical.com

It can be a very tricky combination (someone NT/ someone ASD) but for me it is harder as my H is undiagnosed.

Your boyfriend is diagnosed so it is easier to understand certain behaviours and it’s great that he could let you know he felt uncomfortable in that situation. The key is communication.

I’d suggest just dating as normal and seeing how it goes but don’t be afraid to ask your own questions too.

Best of luck

Have a look at the Aspergers thread here on Relationships and then decide. My personal experience would make me run for the hills but I appreciate every autistic person is different. I only know that his fundamental traits which would never change were quite damaging for me.

I dated someone autistic. It was difficult at times in that he would sometimes have panic attacks if he was in a club/bar that made him uncomfortable. Apart from that no issues except for the fact that he would use it as an excuse for unrelated things.

My son is autistic. Autistic people are just as different and individual as nuerotypical people. My son is very very affectionate - still gets into bed with us in the mornings at 12! But he is also very literal and can be direct i.e. state facts. So your friend being honest and saying he feels uncomfortable could be just that - he is being honest - doesn't mean he feels more uncomfortable then a nuerotypical person...its just he explained to you why he was leaving rather than pretending he was tired as someone else might have done because it was the more polite thing to do I guess. Honestly, just go with the flow - you will hear lots of horror stories of autistic partners and these are out there - but there are also lots of success stories. Think about how many rustic people in the world there are - some are in very happy relationships! The best advice I ever got when I found out about my son was to focus on his strengths - Austic people tend to be very loyal and very clever at certain things in an inspirational way. Just treat him like you would anyone else - ask him what works for him - if you like spending time with him continue to do so - if you don't then call it off.

Also I have read few comments about austic people not liking change...its not always true. My dad is literally talk at the wall Aspie...but he loves change! He's in his 70s and travels all over the world by himself - from Antarcticia to trekking in Nepal. When he was in his 60s he hired a car and travelled by himself around Route 66 for 6 weeks. Its usually my dad nagging my mum to move house or upgrade a car etc. My dad loves meeting new people...he is just not very good at looking them in the eye when he speaks to them which must be unusual for them.

I second the advice to read the thread for people in relationships with Aspergers. Think whether you really want to get into that, also considering the increased likelihood of your children being affected, if you were contemplating a serious relationship.

One further thought is that as the neuro typical, you will always be the one who is expected to understand and compromise. Remember that autism, whether people like that description or not, is classed as a developmental disorder so you need to be fully prepared as to what that might mean. Of course, if you've met one person with autism, you've only met one person with autism and yes, I'm sure there are success stories out there, but you must be very careful that you get your own emotional needs met and that it's not always about them and their needs.

My son is autistic. He is 24. He has been going out with his girlfriend for nearly a year. The things she appreciates about him are that he is kind, loving and romantic. She has previously had two longish relationships with neurotypical partners and says DS is her best boyfriend yet.
They always say 'If you know one autistic person you know one autistic person' . Autistic people are as different from each other as neurotypicals.
We had to move house a couple of years ago and DS still struggles because this house isn't his home - so I wonder how he would cope if they ever wanted to live together, but as a couple they currently get on really well.
I agree that some people try to use autism to excuse things that aren't necessarily related, but sometimes they just seem unconnected and you might have to look a bit deeper to find out what the real issue is.

Thank you everyone. I'm reading all the replies and taking everything on board. I will take a look at the autism in relationships thread

Gwen - that's true. I phrased that badly.

What I meant was, if they meet someone they like and are happy with, they may be more inclined to stay happy and stay in love with that person, rather than restlessly looking over their shoulder for a newer model which it appears from MN threads lots of neurotypical men do.

But even saying 'they' like this makes my flesh crawl, as if autistic people were all the same, when they are not.

FTR, My DH and autistic son are very affectionate. They love hugs. It's my NT boy who is stiff and wriggly. The stereotypes don't help much.

Personally, I'd take the Aspergers partners "support" group thread with a pinch of salt.

I've got ASD myself, and when the first post says It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant
then:
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

..I thought it was interesting to find myself shut down by NT's yet again. Oh well - at least it's consistent with my experience in real life.

Please bear in mind all you're getting are uncontested rants about ASD and how difficult we are to live with. I didn't make it past the second page - at that point I just wanted to go and crawl under a rock. I found it hard to read how idiotic/emotionally crippled/unfeeling/ridiculous we appear to normal loving nurturing, empathic NT's who don't seem interested in explaining to us how their brains work. Because, you know, they're the default

I'd start looking in this direction, to be honest:
www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners.aspx

Don't listen to Allison she's a bigot

I have a DD with ASD and a DH who would most likely be dx is he pursued it. We know what his needs are, so it's easier to work around it. For example, I was talking about an event in the summer, where I may need to go away and accompany DD1 (SN) and DD2 (ASD), which means he would need to be at home with DD3 (NT). He frowned and said 'But I normally work that week of the holidays, and take 3 weeks off later in the holidays...' I said 'Ok, but you don't have to, do you? And I'm discussing it with you now, in March, and we're talking about August... Let's give you a day or two to think it over and talk about it in a few days.' Then we laughed about how fixed he is in his routines, and how red in the face he'd gone at the mere thought of changing his holiday working schedule.

I've learned that springing change is never going to go down well, so introducing a subject, parking it, and leaving it, helps. I don't always do it, I'm not perfect, but it helps if I do.

Case in point for taking ASD stuff here with a pinch of salt:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Think whether you really want to get into that, also considering the increased likelihood of your children being affected, if you were contemplating a serious relationship.

Dude, c'mon. I quite like being alive and I'm fairly glad my parents were able to overlook the terrible risks of having a child with autism.

Alison100199
One further thought is that as the neuro typical, you will always be the one who is expected to understand and compromise.

Yeah, that has not been my experience in the slightest.

My personal experience would make me run for the hills but I appreciate every autistic person is different

Evidently not, if you'd run for the hills?

LineEyesForever
I dated someone autistic... Apart from that no issues except for the fact that he would use it as an excuse for unrelated things.

That's not an autistic thing, that's just a dick move and I've met plenty of male NT's who'll just find other non-compromisable reasons why they can't do things.

Lauren850
My partner is autistic... he didn't want to do relationship stuff which I see as 'normal' - like sharing how we feel or being physically affectionate outside of sex

Again - not an autistic trait! I like talking about my feelings, I've just been told that I can seem a bit clinical about it. I also like being physically affectionate. I'm just very picky who that happens with.

As you can see, there's a lot of misinformation and stereotyping about autistic people. There might well be experts on the thread but there's also a lot of people with very strong opinions that could do with a second pass. Just my opinion :)

I'm finding some of the NT comments on here quite alarming.

E.g. 'Children being affected'.

OP isn't dating someone on the severe end of the spectrum who is locked in and disfunctioning. She dating a man who quite clearly lives his life unassisted.

My DS has autism. He is also a brilliant musician, a gifted academic, aiming very high at university level - and not in the sciences, just to scupper a stereotype. He loves hugs, he socialises - maybe not as much as he'd like but he does, he's very witty, he loves visiting art galleries and is now an adventurous eater who loves trying new foods (after a first decade of four foods in rotation.) The idea that he is less deserving of being alive because he is autistic than an NT person staggers me. On what grounds?

That's nice train but autism isnt just a neurological difference, its also a disability and one with strong genetic indicators. It's ok for someone to give a moments thought to whether they are happy to accept a higher likelyhood of having autistic children (although Im not sure that's something OP needs to be concerned about at this point).