How to get his support?

[Bearberry]

I’ve tried to keep this short

I’m currently in a really stressful work situation which will continue for the next 5 months. There really isn’t anything I can do to change this but it is temporary. I’m working full time and studying at home around this. We have a 2 yr old DD. I do literally all of the house work and cooking, DH has recently started doing the food shop but that’s been a battle.

I have no time and I’m feeling really stressed and overwhelmed. We’ve had so many arguments about how the work load is split but I just feel we cannot progress. He seems incapable of seeing my position and when we argue we get no where, I just feel worse because it really highlights how under appreciated I feel I am. I then feel more angry and resentful.

The situation is stressful and I cannot talk to him for any kind of emotional support either. Aside from work based stress there has been a lot of unpleasant upheaval in my wider family over the last couple of years which is on going. I cannot talk to him about any of this. If he can’t instantly fix something he seems to get angry and stressed by it which just makes the situation more difficult for me. So I feel very alone in dealing with everything.

He has recently piped up that I make no time for him and am always off with him. To be fair I have no time. And I probably am off with him, because I’m pissed off with his lack of contribution. However it now just feels like he’s actively adding to my pressures and work load.

I’ve had it in my head for a while that after my studying is finished and work eases in the summer we should get relationship counselling. I’m hoping this might help us as I feel we literally can not communicate effectively. There are some other issues with him being defensive and critical to me, and I feel being rude to me in social situations.

Anyway, what I guess I need help with is how to deal with it the here and now. I have to get through these next 5 months and I’m feeling incredibly overwhelmed as it is. I need him to either chip in and help or at least stop putting even more pressure on me. I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees and really don’t know how I can approach this in a new way.

I would deal with one problem at a time.

I would go to the doctor for an anti depressant that helps with anxiety. I would also request counselling to talk about the wider family upheaval.

I would lower my current expectations of myself. I would tune out to his criticism.

I would explore online resources e.g. relate. to help communicate feelings and needs. I would be prepared to listen to what he feels.

I would go to relationship counselling for mutual understanding. I would look long and hard at whether I was happy overall.

The here and now: can you outsource? If he isn't going to contribute himself then he needs to pay someone else to do the work because you have not got the time and you are making yourself ill. You need a cleaner and you need help with childcare so that you can do everything you need to. You also need a short break just for you at the weekends. Counselling for yourself whilst you are going through this stressful time too?

And forget him for now. You don't have time for him because he isn't giving you any.

That's short term.

Long term... well,you know what you nees to ask yourself. Forget him for now though.

Thank you both for replying.

Not keen on taking antidepressants, but appreciate they can work well for some people.

Unfortunately can’t really outsource at the moment, money is tight till the summer also. I think for me a lot will improve in 6 months time, it’s just getting through the next 6 months that’s the issue. DH takes his two days off in the week to cover childcare (although DD is in playgroup for 3 hours each of these days) and I have the weekend off. So it’s just me and DD on the weekend, so no real chance for a break.

It’s just a shitty situation, which has been ongoing but is now nearing the end. He knew it would be like this - I warned him but he was onboard. Now I just really need him to either help me, or stop creating additional obstacles! I’ve tried explaining, several times but as calmly as I approach these topics it always escalates and we can never move forward. I feel like the resentment is going to cause enduring problems, but I just don’t know how to get him to see my perspective.

You can't make him see your perspective and you will drive yourself crazy trying.

I understand exactly what you are saying. Even more frustrating that you have prepared him for this, he agreed and yet he is now resisting.

My DH regularly says one thing and does something else. He's selfish too. Your story really resonates with me.

It's a shame you can't afford to outsource. I have to as my DH does naff all domestically and very luckily, my Grandmother pays for my cleaner once a fortnight out of some money my grandfather left her to help their grandchildren after he'd gone.

Oceanosca, sorry your DH is a selfish unsupportive arse too. It’s bloody infuriating isn’t it? I’m trying to disengage from his shit, to just focus on what I need to get done but I wish he could just help and I could find some way of approaching him without him becoming defensive and arguing with me.

I feel like we do need some kind of professional input, but I really don’t have the time or emotional capacity for that right now. I guess I just need to try and limit the damage done to our relationship in the meantime. I honestly feel it would just be easier if I was on my own.

I often feel the same way about being on my own, but can't face the stress and upheaval to get there.

Good luck with everything 🍷🍰💐