Are they compatible? Advice needed

[Duckee]

This is a post on behalf of a friend as she was asking my opinion and I suggested getting impartial views from the very honest Mumsnetters!

My friend has been with her oh for about 2 years. She loves him very much and she’s desperate for him to propose as she wants to get married and have children ASAP. My friend is 27 and her oh is 42. I’ve known them both for years (before they got together).

However, her parents have told her that she would be crazy to marry her oh (should he propose) because they’re too different to be compatible long term. I think they generally like him but they’re concerned at the age gap, the way she’s gradually changing herself to fit in with him and the fact they are polar opposites of each other. Due to past issues in her life, my friend is pretty vulnerable when it comes to relationships so I guess this is why her parents are concerned.

From my point of view, I can see what they’re saying as she does seem to be changing her personality and social life to fit in with him. They do seem like they get on well with each other however I’ve never seen any major spark between them and if anything he seems to flit between treating her like his secretary to treating her like she’s a child. He’s a nice enough guy but he’s fairly dull. She’s always been a very vibrant person with a lot of get up and go.

The points her parents make about why they’re so different are:

She loves socialising and going out, he likes sitting home every evening watching tv. They rarely socialise together.

She loves travelling and holidays, he is reluctant to go on holidays and it takes a lot of cajoling to get him to go (plus he moans about it before and after the holiday).

She is very adventurous and loves doing new things, he hates new things and is critical of anything outside of his comfort zone.

She spends a lot of money and has no savings, he is very tight when it comes to money and will write a list of pros and cons for even very minor purchases (comparing the cost of baked beans in different shops for example).

She is very sociable and has a big circle of friends, he has no consistent contact with the few friends he has and only socialises with his family.

She’s very open and honest with how she’s feeling, he’s completely shut off emotionally and she never knows how he’s feeling.

I feel very uncomfortable talking to her about this subject as I like them both individually. However, as a couple I find them an odd fit as they seemingly get on well with each other but I completely understand her parents concern because I’ve also picked up on a lot of what they have. I don’t want to be the bad guy and get involved with their relationship but she keeps asking me what I think (maybe deep down she’s feeling unsure herself?) so here I am looking for an outsiders take on the relationship. I will be feeding back all answers, good and bad, to her.

So what do you think? Can complete opposites stay happy together long term or are her parents right to be concerned? What advice can I give her?

Its sounds like her parents are right.

All of these things will become massive issues in the future.

Why is she with him? He sounds an insufferable bore and controlling. Get rid and find someone with at least something in common, is she with him because she thinks she can't do better?

They sound completely incompatible and not at well-suited long-term. She'll might lose herself, trying to fit with him, which is a recipe for unhappiness. The age gap is quite big as well, he's only going to get more fixed in his ways as he gets older.

Thanks for the replies. You're basically all saying what I think but haven't wanted to say to her.

In response to Jayney, yes I believe she doesn't think she can do better than him. She has a number of physical and mental issues which have meant that she now thinks he is too good for her. In reality, as much as I like him, I think she's too "alive" for him. She's funny and kind and adventurous and he's like a boring old man who wants to sit at home with his pipe and slippers.

She feels a complete sense of gratitude to him for putting up with her. He doesn't seem passionate about her and seems, from my POV, to be with her out of a sense of duty and because he doesn't want to be the bad guy who ended the relationship with the vulnerable woman. I think they're both in it for the wrong reasons. I've tried explaining this to her but despite asking for my opinion she seems to have selective hearing, plus I'm struggling to articulate what I want to say without it coming across as too harsh. I feel like I'm being set up to be the bad guy when she ultimately decides to stay with him.

Your friend sounds an interesting and intelligent person far more likely to make friends than him. She needs to believe in herself.

Love does strange things to people, and no matter what you all see, you don't really know how they work. Myself and my DP are very different in lots of ways, and we don't get much support for our relationship, but people only see one side to it and not the other you know? I think it's nobody's business, just be there to support her if she wants out one day? X

I would see it as my duty as a friend to speak out if I were concerned about my friends happiness and welfare. I would tell her I was concerned and raise all of the points above. I would talk about whats healthy in a relationship and what's not - changing yourself to fit them or being controlled. I would ask if he really makes her happy. I would remind her she has loads of time still. I would then continue to be a supportive friend whatever she chooses.

Btw he sounds like a depressive.

I thought my wife and I were polar opposites but even we're not that far disconnected!!!

Can't see that relationship ever working out well at all. It's obviously hard for her to let go, but she's only 27 she's still so young.

Ami, I don't think you read my OP very well. She keeps asking my opinion on her relationship. I don't want to be involved in her relationship in any way but when someone keeps asking you what you think about their relationship then surely it's better to speak the truth rather than fob them off with platitudes. I see lots of concerning aspects to their relationship but I also see some positives as well. However, the overriding feeling that I have and her parents have (and presumably she also has as she keeps wanting to analyse her relationship with me) is that she is changing for him and dulling herself down for a man who only wants things his own way and is critical of how she lives her life.

I think you should consider what to say to her.

I made a poor choice which looking back was ridiculous. Didn't marry him but did lose a bit of money. Afterwards I felt stupid as it was so clear. I wish one of my friends had sat me down and said it to me, but they all said I was so hell bent on it they didn't feel they could.

I learnt a lot about myself through that.

Don't be that friend. Maybe you are right, she is unsure and wants your honest view. Its easy when someone's an obvious dick, but when it's more subtle or more down to choice, it feels like none of our business. But she is asking and you want to tell her the truth I sense.

Write down what you'd say here, and her objections, and we'll try and help.