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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship struggles/ history

17 replies

mamapart · 02/03/2019 15:13

Me and my partner have been on and add for 3&1/2 years. There has been arguments between me and his family. Abuse. My family dislike him. Drugs and shitty friends. He recently broke up with the girl he was with to get back with me and despite all I got with him. It's been ok, he's snapped at me a few times and been a few arguments but I'm not easy to deal with. I've had a lot going on and hasn't been the most supportive unless it comes to his friends where he's the nicest person in the world . I'm really struggling to move on from the past and I just wondered If anyone had been through his and have any advice to make It work. Thanks .

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 02/03/2019 15:15

Why do you want it to work? He doesn't sound much of a catch tbh...

mamapart · 02/03/2019 15:20

He's so lovely apart from the past, he helped me get a phone and stuff when I couldn't x@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2019 15:30

What? He helped you get a phone so you can forget that he’s been abusive and a drug user?

You need to raise your expectations - why on Earth do you value yourself so little?

mamapart · 02/03/2019 15:31

@Merryoldgoat no excuses here; when people make him out to be bad I just really can't see it. I know what he's doing is bad but I'm constantly making excuses for him. I guess with my useless father I've never known any different ? I rally just want to know one or the other things will be ok

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2019 15:40

Give yourself a shake and stop being so passive and, frankly, stupid.

If you’ve had a shit upbringing/shit parents etc as lots of us have deal with it properly. PROPERLY.

See your GP, get some counselling, do the Freedom Program, move away - anything to stop putting with this shit.

What would you think if your daughter or sister was wasting her time with this twat?

You have a chance to free yourself - do it.

You said in you OP that he’s not supportive. I expect you’re giving him money, enabling his drug use and facilitating his shitty lifestyle though.

Please tell me you don’t have children with him?

mamapart · 02/03/2019 15:53

He no longer takes drugs. I have a 2 year old with him. I don't give him any money I hardly have any he works full time and we don't live together right now although we used to

OP posts:
mamapart · 02/03/2019 15:54

And also I do go counselling and take citalopram, I suffer with anxiety and depression. @Merryoldgoat

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2019 16:08

And do you suppose your anxiety and depression might improve without him in your life?

You mentioned abuse - physical?

How sure are you that he’s given up the drugs?

PlinkPlink · 02/03/2019 16:11

I've sort of been here.

Father was a terrible role model. Never really had an example of what a decent man looked like.

I dated some horrors.

I got fed up of it in the end. I got angry at being taken for a mug and decided very clearly that I would take my time and not compromise on certain qualities.

I sat down and had a good long think about what I wanted in a man so that every time one came along that was a bit nice but had flaws, I didn't end up carrying on with him. There was no compromise. Why should I compromise when I've just started dating them?

I also did some very long thinking about myself. I didnt think I could find a good man, I didn't think I deserved it. I don't think I liked myself. So I spent time on me... I started looking after myself. I got into a fitness programme. I started acknowledging my strengths and focusing on the positive things in my life. Men were no longer a priority or necessary in my life to be happy.

I'm not saying I'm perfect but thats how I broke the endless cycle of getting into shitty relationships. No compromise and appreciating yourself.

You deserve better, love. And you need to believe that. Your Dad being shit has maybe made you think you're not worth it. If your Dad didn't say it or feel it, why would any other man? My Dad made me feel the same way.
Break that thinking. Stop thinking that shit right now. You deserve a man who is nice all the time, a man who is respectful, who loves you deeply and shows you every day.

I found a lovely, decent man who I now have a DS with. But I only found him after I did the aforementioned work on my brain.

Do some work on yourself, maybe in your counselling sessions and try to change your way of thinking. Only then can you break away from the cycle of crap.

mamapart · 02/03/2019 16:23

When he first left before in October we were on a off sort off not really together but it was abolition terrible and first until I got used to it, I'm sure he's not on drugs and yes physical and

OP posts:
mamapart · 02/03/2019 16:25

And thanks so much for the advice. I really wanted to work on myself and I kinda am but keep putting off making the big change in our lifestyle. I just want so bad to be with him and to be a family. I never really had a functional one. Idk I would feel bad leaving again. And what if I do I have no reason to and what if I realise he's the one I've always wanted and needed and can never move on. I got with him when I was 16 and had out baby at 17 and am now 20 and just worried about it all.@Merryoldgoat @PlinkPlink

OP posts:
PatchWorkPrunella · 02/03/2019 16:34

He snaps at you and you blame yourself. Sounds like you are blinded and very confused. He's abusive and has a history of drugs and dysfunction.

mamapart · 02/03/2019 16:54

@PatchWorkPrunella I do kinda ask for a lot idk

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2019 17:03

What do you ask for? I bet you don’t ask for a lot at all.

mamapart · 02/03/2019 17:17

Just I asked him to get me a phone if I pay for the monthly and he spent a lot of money on it, and I ask him for lifts cause I don't drive but cause he drives for a living he gets tired, and idk just random stuff

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2019 18:09

Ok. This is what my husband does for me:

Loves me
Splits childcare
Cooks every night
Picks up shopping on his way home
Goes to buy me sweets at the shop if I randomly ask
Texts me nice messages
Pays more towards the household budget
Helps support some of my family members who are experiencing difficulties
Splits the housework
Feeds the baby
Picks me up if I’m out drinking

There’s more but I can’t think.

He’s never hit me
Never shouted at me
Never cheated on me

We’ve been together 14 years.

You need to want more for yourself - believe you’re worthy of good treatment.

Bagpuss5 · 02/03/2019 18:14

You and DD ARE a family. I would concentrate on yourself and DD for a few years, and when you feel you have improved your confidence and maybe found a better job or career, start looking for a partner.
He will always be DD's DF so will always be around but start your own life, you are young, what do YOU want for a future (career, money, where you want to live etc). Let these losers go.

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