Why do I feel so much guilt?

[louisejanep]

I have posted here before so I do appologise, it’s just a continuing journey with a different topic. I split my partner of nearly 11 years in December.
I was only 18 when we got together so was very naive and the relationship was very emotionally and psychologically abusive. When we split 3 Months ago I was literally at the worse rock bottom period of my life, and now I struggle terribly with confidence, self-esteem and even taking to people I struggle with.

So I left in December with our DD (3years old) and I never ever thought I would change, but I feel a massive weight off my shoulders. I’ve started my PhD and I’ve landed myself a job in research in the university, something I never thought was possible. And I am loving it and I feel different in myself.

However, he still doesn’t accept its over. He looks ill, he’s lost loads of weight, his voice is always shaky when he comes to pick up DD. And I still feel so much guilt for leaving him I feel like he is really vulnerable and I should help but I know I can’t. When we communicate about DD he always brings it back to me, asking what I’m doing. And to try get the picture across I haven’t asked him much about him. The other day when he asked about me I said yes I’m good what about you. And he takes this completely the wrong way. He brought me a letter up yesterday which would have been our anniversary.

The letter first thanked me for leaving him and it’s made him realise how horrible he’s been to me and he’s so sorry for how he’s treated me for years and he’s now having counselling. So I thought ok that’s good it’s positive closure. And then on the last page of the letter he says I’m never going to let u go ur my family and I’m always going to fight for you. This made me feel uneasy and sad for him.

When will this guilt lift? I feel guilty for leaving him, I feel guilty for my DD family being broken up. But at the same time I can’t go back to that dark place. Even though it’s only been 3 months I feel like I have changed.

It's good that he recognizes his faults, it he really does and isn't just using it as manipulation to get you back. However, it's crystal clear from your OP and other threads you and your daughter are much, much better off not living with him. It is not a good or healthy relationship for you. By implication, unless he actually wants a relationship that's terrible for his partner, it isn't a good relationship for him either. Please stay strong, you should have no guilt for sending such an unhealthy relationship, and he will not be able to change the way he is with you because of some realisation nor will you be able to forget everything he did.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, enjoy your new life, which is the one you always deserved.

@pog100 thank you for taking the time to comment I apologise for the long post, I know you’ve commented on my posts previously so thank you it means a lot to hear words of advice from outside party (not family and friends)

OP if you want to think of it this way- leaving him is not only the best for you, it's the best for him. Without you doing this, he would have remained the same emotionally abusive/habitually unpleasant person that he had become in that situation.

It's absolutely clear you have done the right thing for you and your daughter.

In terms of moving forward- I'd start to limit your contact with him. It's sad that he feels so bad, but this is also self-pity and not pity for you necessarily. If you are constantly having emotional encounters, letters to be read, it is keeping you stuck. I'd be really clear with him- there's no 'family' and fighting for us, we are over, can you keep communication about your daughter please. Don't read letters, don't answer emails except about practical matters. Don't get into discussions with him.

I think the guilt will go a lot quicker if you are clear about what's happening and that he needs to move on.

He had ELEVEN YEARS to come to this epiphany. ELEVEN fucking years. He choose not to. If this is actually an epiphany of sudden self-awareness (and i laugh at the idea!) then good for him, but he is still being manipulative. He's still laying the responsibility of his happiness on you. He's playing the victim and whinging that you're not focusing on him and asking how he's doing as if he is more important than you and your dc. He's still trying to take control, telling you HE won't let you go as if you don't have a say.

If this was really an epiphany he would realise that after 11 years of him treating you like shite you should be allowed to heal and move on. He should be putting everything in place to ensure you and your dc have his support to now live a happy and safe life. He should realise that you would never be able to return and know, really know, that he won't revert. That you would never really trust him not to be that bastard again. You would forever be on tenderhooks watching and waiting, never be able to relax, to feel secure, to be happy. And he should realise that is no way for someone he claims to love to live!

But instead it's still all about him. You are still a bit-player in his life. Your, and ypur dc's wants, needs and happiness are still secondary to his.

Perhaps in time counselling will make him understand this and he will realise that letting you go is best for you and that that is more important than what he wants. Perhaps. That is if he bothers to continue counselling when he realises this play doesn't get you back.

You need to stay strong and focused on your and your dc's needs. Don't allow this manipulative attempt to induce guilt sway you. When you were vulnerable did he care? No! When you needed help, did he help? No! When you were emotionally and mentally fucked by his abuse did he stop? No! And now you feel like you should help him put of a situation he spent eleven years deliberately creating??? I suggest the freedom programme or counselling for you to try and reprogram yourself from putting him before yourself and your child.

He seems very selfish, doing his best to inflict on your life. Be firm. I could bet the second he gets a new woman in his life, which he will regardless of what he says, he will drop you and shift his attention to her.

OP, the fact that you feel like a weight has lifted from you and you feel a different person now shows what a negative influence he was in your life. That wouldn't be how you'd feel if a healthy relationship ended after 11 years!

You are not responsible for him. Your responsibility is towards your DD, and modelling to her a mother who is happy and is achieving good things - not one who is miserable and downtrodden.

The guilt won't lift if you read the letters and engage with Mr Shaky Voice.

Be more angry at the shaky voice nonsense. He's putting it on to guilt trip you for having the temerity to leave. I wonder if he'll turn up in the dressing gown of doom next.

Maybe he has lost loads of weight because he's getting himself into shape to go on the pull. Quite common after a break up.

Do you have to see him? Can someone else do the handovers? If not, can you make them short to the point of rude? Say goodbye to DD behind the door then practically shove her through the only half opened door to him?

Get your emotional energy flowing into your new life instead of it still going into the emotional drain. That's part of keeping you in the cycle of abuse.

If he'd had the kind of epiphany he's feigning, he wouldn't have made the vile comments about never letting you go. He would have said 'I know I destroyed our relationship and my behaviour was unforgivable but I will always do my best for our DD and support you to raise her.' But he didn't, because it's all STILL about him. You have no reason to feel any guilt and it probably stems from years of him working on you and dominating you so that he was your first priority at all times. Well done for leaving him. Please go low or no contact and don't allow yourself to continue to be subjected to his emotional masturbation.

Same as pp, he had so long to correct his behaviour. Really don’t like the “I’m never going to let u go” line - he’s deciding your relationship for both of you again, he isn’t caring about your feelings.

Tell him emphatically it is and will remain over - he needs to accept the relationship is done, stay in counselling to help him analyse why (it isn’t your job to teach him why), and he needs to focus on being the best co-parent now. Be careful that you keep focusing on you and your DD, you can’t spend another 11 years on this man and ultimately it wouldn’t help him anyway.

Huge congratulations on all you’ve achieved so far. Your life will only keep getting better.

@thingsdogetbetter wow that was a really powerful reply thank you very much, you defitnley put things into perspective.

I am going to keep re-reading over these messages, and bookmark this page so when I’m having a bit of a wobbly day I can keep re-reading all of your advice.

@TowelNumber42 I tried a different person at handover, I asked my mum to do hangovers. He started crying to her once and she told him basically everything she has always wanted to say to him and ended up in an argument. I am quite cold with him at handovera don’t make much conversation but the last few times he has tried to keep me talking and then I feel rude. I am wanting these guilt feelings to turn into more angrier feelings I think it will be easier then.

I am wanting these guilt feelings to turn into more angrier feelings I think it will be easier then

Only you can make that happen

You found the strength to leave him

So getting rid of guilt is the next stage

You can do it - and you have to do it - for you and your DD

I'm going to have to let you into a secret. You know those Get Out of Jail Free cards in Monopoly? Well, my superpower is handing out Forgiveness For Being Rude Passes. Here's a free bunch of ten. Use them as and when necessary and report back.

He had ELEVEN YEARS to come to this epiphany. ELEVEN fucking years. He choose not to.

THIS

It is very true, 11 years is a long time to not change! @TowelNumber42 I love your monopoly idea!! Haha I will defitnley have to use your passes.

And be rude - stop give a fuck

I'm trying to leave my verbally abusive husband, all I get is the kids are going to harm themselves and go of the rsold if we break up !!?it's going to be shit,you won't manage,!along !e gee more guilty.....20 years of this crap.....

@louisejanep
I was with my ex from 19-31 years of age.

I can remember when we were 3 months out from me finally leaving him (honestly he had started to behave so appallingly over the years that he was almost begging me to be the bad guy and split with him) he was also the stage you describe your ex is in. Same things, counseling etc.

It was a ploy. 3 months after this stage he tried ignoring me and being off/shitty with me at handovers. That lasted 6 months. Then he tried being aggressive and confrontational, difficult re parenting times etc. Another 6 months. Now 3.5 years later hes been more normal for about a year. (Since he met a new woman)

He was feeling awful, sure he was. But I was fully replaceable, I wasn't special at all. He just needed someone else to be the lightning rod for his mood swings and demanding, controlling behaviour.

Your ex will move on if you give him time. Google grey rock.

@Antha720 I’m sorry to hear your going through that. It is really hard but as soon as I left a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. A lot of family and friends have commented on how different I am now I feel I am slowly getting my confidence back and it will take a long time and is so difficult but the old ‘you’ will return. I’m still early days in my journey but even after 3 months I can feel I am going to be happy, i am going to be successful, and I am going to gain self -confidence and self esteem and prepared to work hard to let nothing get in the way. I wish you luck on your journey. Keep reaching out to the amazing people on these forums they have helped me so much.

@rvby thank you for sharing your story. So it really does just take time? I feel his tactics are changing all the time. When he’s shitty with me it’s good because I can just smile and think to myself that’s the reason I walked away. But when he’s overly nice that’s where I feel awful.

He doesn't accept it's over.
No what he can't accept is he no longer has control over you. He can't believe you had the audacity to leave him. So he is now giving you this pathetic sob story to try and get you back under his control. He's still trying to manipulate you OP.He's still being emotionally and psychologically abusive.Don't fall for it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.It was not your fault the relationship ended. It was his fault. It was not your fault he was an abusive twat. He did that all by himself.

And don't feel guilty about the family being broken up. What you had wasn't what most people would consider a normal family relationship. Growing up in an abusive toxic household is hugely damaging for children and leaves them with all sorts of hang ups and insecurities which continue to affect them throughout their lives.

Lot of women post on here about abusive fathers and how their mental health has suffered as a result. I have also read countless posts where adults have said they wish their mum had left their abusive fathers, or left them much earlier than they did.

Thankfully, you have been amazingly brave and you left the abusive arsehole who was such an appalling role model for your daughter, and she now has a chance of a normal childhood and a chance to grow up happy and secure. After reading some of the sad stories on here, she is truly one of the lucky ones.

Carry on living your fantastic new life OP. Stop feeling guilty.You have saved yourself and you have saved your precious child. Feel proud.

Oh and don't bother about being rude to the arsehole. After what he did to you and DD he deserves it.

@louisejanep yes it just takes time. He will try different things because he wants to engage you / get you emotional and off balance. And it's worked.

Understand that as soon as you show an even keel and he senses you're ok with how hes acting, he may change it up again. Always keeping you off balance and emotional. He likely knows 9n some level that as long as you are unhappy, hes more likely to find a way to get you back / get you to boost his ego.

My head is spinning with it all....how the hell do you get out ? I only have a job thats 6 hours a wk in a school, then getting another job has to be flexible enough that I can still be here for Daughter No2,before and after school, I have no family to rely on, financially dependant on HIM FOR EVERYTHING.....I feel bloody trapped......the atmosphere in the house is awful...and to top it all he's being really NICE,,So then I start feeling guilty again,not eating properly,sleeping you name I'm feeling it....

I look at rented houses which you need a deposit, Guarantor, and a full time job...NO DSS....Im so pissed off...could get a job being home care worker but need a reliable car and guess what thats going on the blink.....so yeah negative is pretty relevant at the minute....