How do you know when to go?

[AccidentallyRunToWindsor]

Just that, married for 7 years and I don't know if this is right anymore but then I read posts on here and my DH isn't physically abusive or anything but plenty of friends say he is emotionally abusive

I've suspected of cheating in the past (lipstick on glasses when I come back from a night away, lies about where he is etc) but never been able to find proof. If I ask him he gets very defensive, says he shouldn't have to answer that sort of thing etc

No sex for a year, won't cuddle me unless I ask 'can I have a cuddle' if I accidentally touch him he recoils. I think I'm pretty attractive still, I've not really changed since we got married

He doesn't want to do anything I enjoy doing anymore, refuses to see my friends or family and if I can drag him along will just sit to one side glued to his phone

Our finances are separate except our mortgage. I could afford the payments alone (I earn more) but I don't think I could get a mortgage. He has two children but I don't know if that means he would get the house.

I don't know what to do. This isn't me usually, everyone always jokes about how strong I am but I second guess myself with everything related to him and just try and keep the peace in the main. He gets angry with me if I cry.

Seeing it written down, if this was a friend I would be telling them to get out, but I keep thinking what if it's not that bad and I'm just being dramatic

I love him still

I think you know the answer. Whether cheating is behind how he is with you may be debatable but it isn't going to get better. You could try counselling but it feels like he is in a different place and you sound more of a convenience to him

It is harder because you love him, but I think you answered your own question with your your statement at the end about seeing it written down. It’s not what you want to hear, but it seems like you know deep down.

Well you don't sound happy thats for sure and the current situation doesn't sound good. Could you line things up to split and in the meantime practise the 180. beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
He will most definitely sit up and notice, either with more emotional abuse (then you'll know) or make some real tangible efforts to improve things between you both. If that is indeed what you want.

Any relationship drama that is tolerated with the qualifier of ‘but I love him’ is normally retold much later post separation with the astonished question of ‘what was I thinking?’. If you know it’s wrong, it’s wrong and you are better off out of it. You only gain perspective once you are out. If someone physically recoiled from me, I would be outta there.

That 180 is cracking advice @Weejo39, worth a read OP may help you find some inner strength?

The writing's on the wall. I don't even think if you suggested counselling he'd agree if he's reluctant to go with you visiting friends and family.

If he's got 2 DC, does it mean both of you haven't got DC together?

No sex for a year? Now that's a dealbreaker as I'm such a horny goat. He's definitely getting it somewhere as he can't be wanking off for a whole year when you're there needing his attention.

I think it's time to have that all important chat with him and come to a decision. You don't want to be unhappy forever. What's your gut instinct saying?

I’m assuming these are his children from a previous relationship, so your step children ? Do they live with you full time ?

No other children involved at all - from the marriage or yours from before ?

What do your family and friends make of him ?

I think it would help you to get some legal advice , so you know where you stand about the house, pensions, savings etc . Remember you don’t need to tell anyone or act on the advice right now, but just so you know.

Thankyou for the advice so far. I did make a resolve at new year to get out more and do stuff, I'm out 3 nights a week doing activities now as well as on weekends and I'm really trying hard not to be clingy

How do I tell him that I want him to go and I want to stay in the house? He won't afford anywhere on his own and I have to think of the kids too

No kids together, I'm not sure I want them tbh.

Stepkids every weekend

How do I tell him that I want him to go and I want to stay in the house?

First you tell him it’s over. Then you look at the practicalities of separation. Re: the house, you own half each so if one of you is to stay there then you need to buy the other one out. If you cannot get a mortgage for the whole amount then sell and split equity. The main thing is getting out of a miserable set up. The details have a habit of working themselves out.

I'm sat in bed next to him crying

He's sat next to me scrolling Instagram and making a fuss of the cat

He's angry with me for being upset I think but if I ask him what's wrong he just says nothing

If you have no kids together , then the starting point will to be split assets 50:50. So everything goes in the pot - savings and pension during the last 7 years , house, cars, joint debts.

It’s nice that you care about your step children but they are not your legal or financial responsibility - they have a mum and dad for that.

Personally I’d get legal advice and work out what you wand and then tell him it’s over and lay out a plan for discussion about assets etc . Otherwise he wont take you seriously.

Remember you don’t need his consent to end your marriage.

Sorry he's treating you like this OP. He is behaving like he just doesn't care and you deserve better than that. You need to try and focus on yourself and your self confidence. Why let someone treat you like this? We've all done it.
Start planning the practical side of things. Do you both jointly own the house 50/50? If you don't think you would get the mortgage and can't buy him out then the best plan is to get the house on the market. Tell him you would like him to move out until it sells and that you will cover the mortgage in this time (this might help encourage him to go).
If he is as miserable as he seems to be, he won't put up much of a fight. I suspect he won't agree quietly though.
If you jointly own, you can't force him to leave so you will then have 2 choices. Live separately in the house until it sells, or you move out.
I would also advise seeing a solicitor.

Been there, done that!.
He has zero empathy for you.
Why can't he put his arms around you while you are crying and need comfort from him?. You need to be strong and get some answers.
What happened in his last relationship?
Start thinking about You

@StartAgainat60 his only other real relationship is with the mother of his children. She was a 'psycho' and cheated on him etc and used to be very controlling apparently.

She has been hard work in the past with the kids etc which I've stayed out of so I can see that she may have been a difficult GF but it has right now I'm sure I'm a 'psycho' too

He has real hang ups on her, tends to view women's behaviour through a negative lens at all times

I don't know where my loving caring husband went

He's angry with me for crying this morning I know it

*@Rainbow Waffles

Any relationship drama that is tolerated with the qualifier of ‘but I love him’ is normally retold much later post separation with the astonished question of ‘what was I thinking?’. If you know it’s wrong, it’s wrong and you are better off out of it. You only gain perspective once you are out. If someone physically recoiled from me, I would be outta there*

This! 👏👏👏. I recently split with my ex of 11 years and quite often think 'what was I thinking putting up with it for so long'. I made excuses for his behaviour because I loved him. Makes me cringe now. And I don't even think I did love him, I loved the person he pretended to be at the start.

OP the first step would be to seek legal advice regarding the house. If he can't afford the mortgage on his own and has young children who live there you may find you can't force him to sell or buy you out.

The kids are with their mum in the week and with us at the weekends. They are teenagers so not young.

I feel like he is just treating me like shit in the hope that I will leave, that way he is the victim isn't he.

She was a 'psycho' and cheated on him etc and used to be very controlling apparently.

I bet his ex wasn't any of them things at all.. he could just be saying this to make himself look good... And look at how he's been treating you.. 🤔

So to summarise...

*No sex for a year
*He recoils if you touch him in a non sexual way
*Won't participate in social events
*You modify your behaviour to "keep the peace"
*Mysogonist
*He gets angry if you cry or call him out

Seriously op, you need to end this marriage - he's an emotional abuser and a cheat.

I'm inclined to think he was actually the cheat and the controlling "psycho" in his last relationship.

If he wants to spend the rest of his life hating women and playing the victim then let him crack on with it, not your problem.

Stop second guessing yourself, get yourself a solicitors appointment and put the house up for sale or ask him to leave ASAP.

You're only prolonging your misery by letting this shit show run...

I was a 'psycho' too. anyway, get advice. Whilst he's as work get the house valued this is what I did and it let him know that I was serious about moving on without him. He was furious but, soon resigned. I then put it on the market as he was resigned to doing nothing about it except complain. By then I was impervious to hits behaviour. You'll get there too. Seriously the 180 advice comes second nature with practice.

I bet your bottom dollar his ex was nothing of the sort!!

I feel like he is just treating me like shit in the hope that I will leave, that way he is the victim isn't he

So what? The key thing here is he's treating you like shit. Who cares what anyone else thinks if you end things. I ended my 17 year relationship when my ex was going through an awful time. I knew people would think I was heartless but they didn't know the whole story. I didn't care at that point anyway.