We need to talk

[Takemetothesun]

Never posted here before but really need to get some opinions on my relationship with my wife who is the absolute centre of my world. Been together for 10 years married for half that time and have two fantastic kids the youngest is just over one. Like most couples our whole intimate life changed with pregnancy and young children but I don't think either if us were prepared for how much and while we have a good relationship and are both devoted to out kids neither of us are good st taking about sex and having time together, (regardless of whether we have sex or not). After our first child was born we really struggled to try and get back some kind of sex life which was ok because being parents was so new to us and my wife was b/feeding for the 1st year but as time went on she was getting really anxious at the thought of sex she when we did sleep with each other it was awkward but we didn't talk about it and as time went on she suggested trying to schedule sex which we did but it hardly happened as by her own admission she wasn't in the mood for too tired and then said she didn't like the idea of scheduling it but couldn't say what she would prefer. When I asked her to tell how she was feeling all she could say it was nothing I was doing and she couldn't explain how she felt and didn't want to talk about it. We both wanted another baby tho so we prob had sex about 4 times and she was pregnant again and how after a year of having our second we are having awkward conversations and have sex a couple of times after we had a drink. It has not been an easy year and our baby isn't a great sleeper but take one b/feed a night but I feel I know where this is going as she has said again it's not me she just has no desire for me or sex. Being honest there are lots of parts that make a relationship but I can't lie that i enjoy sex I love my wife and really miss that time we have together and while life is tough I am worried we are becoming more like friends then anything else and the idea of having sex or doing anything like taking the time to sit and kiss each other make me anxious as even something as innocent as a cuddle is just not reciprocated - I really do believe she loves me but because she won't speak to me or anyone about how she feels any time I talk about our relationship she says she's too tired to talk and goes back to watching the Tv or goes to bed. Full disclosure before we had another baby I ended up getting CBT in part because of the tension in our relationship and I can feel the low mood and anxiety creeping up one and I feel now I just can't say nothing or say to her everything will be ok as I know I'm not happy with having pretty much zero intimacy in my life - I've followed my wife's lead up to now and it is the right thing to do as I've not been pregnant and then had babies but I've been here the whole time and there nothing I don't do for her or the kids so not being able to just to sit and talk about what is going on is killing me to be point where it would easier if she was upfront and said she simply just didn't want that kind of relationship with me. I just want to know how to tell her how I feel and go from there because the thought of another year living with talking about the issue we both know is there feels worse than 5 years that has come before it - any advice or similar stories?

I think you have been extremely fair to your wife and understanding, a lot of men in your situation would not be. It is very hard after children but I do think your wife is being unfair to you. Not because of the lack of sex but the lack of communication. Is there any way you can have someone help out with the children so that you can get some time to discuss this? Could she be depressed, PND possibly? Have you suggested counselling or seeing her doctor?

Often the clue is in how your sex life was before kids. Who instigated? Was it great etc? Whatever the answer I really do think you need to tell her you cannot go on like this. Perhaps write her a letter and she can read it alone where there is no pressure to talk.

I feel very sad for you but I'm sure in time it will come right.

Having a 1 year old is still hugely draining. Mine's 3 and I still don't feel like I have much time for myself (single parent, so don't have a partner to be thinking about.)

It sounds to me like your problem is communication. Before you can really get in to the sex issue you need to take it off the table and get to a place where you can actually talk about everything rather than just focusing on your particular issue - she might have completely different problems/priorities.

Without the ability to talk to each other you're going to get resentful that she's not giving you what you want in the bedroom, and she's going to get resentful that you're only after one thing. Would you (and she) consider counselling or mediation? A safe and structured conversation on neutral ground might help you both get into the same headspace so you can work out how to move forward together. If not, can you arrange for a childcare for a day and the two of you get out of the house and go somewhere to rediscover each other?

My only other advice is to not focus on getting back to how things were. That's not necessarily going to be realistic. Focus on what happens next and what you and she can actually do and change given the new realities of your life.

This type of problem can't be solved without communication, so that's where your focus needs to be, getting her to talk. Broaching it as you have been isn't working so it's time to try a different tack, letters or emails can be useful, takes the pressure off and means you (and hopefully she) can think through what you want to say before you say it. It might be that you need a therapist to unpick everything, depending on what the issues actually are, but it sounds like you need to get the lines of communication open before you know whether that's a good option for you.

I would suggest starting to initiate more non-sexual physical contact
More hugs and cuddles but make it clear (if in bed for example) that you just want a cuddle nothing more.

Feeling knackered from small children and then feeling pestered for sex is not sexy - but without regular physical contact your relationship is difficult to maintain.
So I'd work on the non- sex side for now and trust that it will return eventually - albeit maybe in a different way,

Why do men always post about lack of sex? This is the third one this week.

Intimacy without sex is the first step towards restarting sex I think, but your wife may reject that if she thinks it will lead to sex and she doesn't really want it to (yet), so you will need to talk about how you miss that time together regardless of sex.
Having fun together when you have young children doesn't get much priority and it's easy to forget you're a team, and sex is the first casualty.
I hope you can discuss it and find a way forward together.

I was your wife. I felt utterly touched out. Didn’t want sex, or any physical contact with my husband. Too tired to properly talk about it or think about it. Was just in survival mode for a few years. Luckily my husband was amazing as it sounds like you are. Not saying it was right, just that was how I felt. What helped for me was having time away from the kids so I no longer felt touched out, then getting a bit older and sleeping better, and losing the baby weight/exercising again to feel like me. My libido is now back to normal and it’s like we’ve picked up where we left off 7 years ago :). A bit of wine helped the first few times (ps the possibility the kids may interrupt half way through did make it very hard for me to let go initially)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts - communication is key but need to think about how to bring it up in a way where she doesn't think I'm only wanting to talk about sex (not the case) but how we can get back some intimacy and get to a place so we can honest about what we both want and work it from there. I do think we will find a new way and in all other ways out relationship works really well for both of us and our kids are happy but my worry is once the kids are grown up and it's just us two that we've not turned into strangers wanting totally different things for life - it's a long view on life but one I do think about

Like auntsarent I was your wife and what made the difference for me was hearing how lonely my DH felt, that he missed the 'us against the world' thing you get as part of a couple, the laughing together and being properly connected. It took a serious change in him, in the way he communicated (he will admit himself he was rubbish at expressing himself) to make me listen though, I needed to hear that he missed me and how we used to be as a couple, not just sex.

Resentment builds up so easily and is an absolute killer to the female libido, I genuinely felt at the time that it was all about sex for DH and I really resented feeling pressured. It was a revelation when he finally started to talk properly and I realised he felt like he'd lost me, I feel awful now that I judged him unfairly but he always says he was at least 50% to blame as he was so monumentally shit at expressing himself!

Kids are all consuming but we seem to forget sometimes that (in an ideal world at least) kids only happen because we loved each other in the first place. You went into this as a team so now you need to get that feeling of being 'in it together' back.

Do you talk to her with the same lack of paragraphs?