Finding the strength to leave when I still love him

[user1476356864]

Sorry it’s a long one.
Has anyone here left a toxic relationship because they knew they deserved better even though they for some reason still loved their partner? How do you find the strength?
I’ve been with my little boys dad for 5 years, we split up before for a while in 2017 but gave it another go soon after.
It’s now to the point where I can’t go on like this :(

He shouts and screams in my face and calls me names, he’s pushed me for ‘standing in his way’ when I stuck up for myself for him calling me names.
he calls in sick to work 2/3 times per week (meaning he won’t get paid) so we’re struggling for money, because he stays up late every night until 3/4am usually gaming so he’s too tired to get up in the morning
I don’t work at the moment because we talked lots and agreed I would stay at home rather than us pay for childcare (although I will be working again in April when my son gets some funded hours at nursery now he’s 3)
At any opportunity he will sleep all day long leaving me to look after our son, clean the house, take my son out on the weekend... he even refused to get out of bed and help when I had the flu
He spends money we don’t have on gaming stuff and gambling
He cheated on me back in December whilst we were going through a really difficult patch. he went out and took drugs and slept with someone.
He sees no issue with any of his actions and if I get upset he says that I need to stop being so sensitive and I’m annoying
He never sees that he is in the wrong, it is always someone else’s fault
He’s suffered with mental health issues in the past but not so much now however he refuses to do anything about it even though I’ve offered to pay for private therapy or counselling out of my own savings
Last week he disappeared for 12 hours without a single word as to where he was.. it was a weeknight and by 1 am I was so worried I called the local hospitals and the non emergency police to see if he might have been in an accident. Turns out he was out getting drunk, he finally text at 3am but would not answer my phone calls and the next day he shouted at me because I’m ‘OCD’ for calling the police?! I thought he might be dead for god sake.
There is much more but I’d be here forever.
I do my best to be a good mummy to my little boy and as good a partner I can be given the circumstances but it is not in my nature to let someone treat me badly and not say a word so I do try to stick up for myself (although I am not spiteful and I do not make choices I know will hurt my partner, as he is/does).
For some reason I just can’t leave. We have a 3 year old and own a house and it’s so scary and the thought of losing my little family unit is terrifying. One minute I’ll feel strong like once I’ve got a job I will move out and I will be ok. The next minute I’m doing some housework and I look around at my home and my little boy playing in his bedroom and I think how on earth can I do this? Maybe it’s fear of the unknown, maybe it’s the thought of my OH with someone else (that hurts) maybe it’s fear of being on my own a single mum while he goes about his life as he pleases. I don’t know but for some reason I keep choosing this miserable life over leaving because I’m scared I’ll be even more miserable if I leave.
Just looking for opinions I guess or anyone who’s been in a similar situation :(

I havent been in your shoes but I've been that scared little 5 year old. Wishing my Dad would leave us or even die, so we would be free from him.
I'm grown up now, with my own Dc's and thankfully they have never experienced what I did.
It's Terrifying as a child, to see your DM being abused ( which you are ! ) and feel8ng scared, useless, and never knowing how his form will be.
If you can't do it for you, do it for your Dc's. They deserve more than this, as do you.
Please find the strength. Get onto a help line, call on family,/ close friends . You will need support but you can do this.
I wish my mother had the strength back then, she left him when I was 17 and never looked back..... it was scary, daunting but she did it. I just wish she had done it 15 years earlier.
The very best of luck, you can and must do this

Thank you so much for your reply. I cried reading your message because I know everything you’ve said is so right. My little boy does deserve more and I do too. I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to just get up and go. I guess because we have had happier times and I kid myself that this is a blip. But if it’s a blip it’s a very long one, I know I’m just convincing myself of something that isn’t true
I am hoping reading messages like yours will give me the strength I need xx

I know how you must be feeling but this is an abusive person you are sharing your home and life with.

He gives nothing (literally nothing) and takes everything. What sort of person thinks its acceptable to stay in bed ALL day and leave their partner to do all the housework and childcare, your supposed to be a team not his maid and nanny.
Its easier to be a single parent and doing it alone than knowing theres someone upstairs whos happy for you to do it all alone.

When you split and he meets someone else, he will be exactly the same with the new person eventually and they will become his new victim, sad and depressed. He barley goes to work so will never better himself, hes never going to have any money, imagine how shit he will feel when he sees you and your new life going so well and how happy you are without him. Dont stay with him just because your scared of him being with someone else, he was already with someone else in december while he was supposed to be with you remember. He's already going about his life as he pleases isnt he? The only thing that will change is he will be doing it away from you.

Your son is young, he will adapt, my DD was around the same age and cant even remember me and her dad being together shes totally happy and secure with her life. I dont regret leaving him for one second because it was the right thing to do, it hurt a LOT at the time but looking back i cant believe i stayed for so long.

I can tell you that living in a house without a partner is wonderful and lots and lots of fun. Especially when you have a little boy of that age to be silly with, watch films with, eat with, go on trips with. No one tells you what to do. No one scrutinises you. No one questions you. You can do ANYTHING you want.

Thank you so much both of you.

Do you know I was half expecting to be told that I’m over reacting and these are normal ‘man’ things. Perhaps I have normalised his behaviour to myself

I think my little boy would be ok too, we have an amazing bond and he does see and I think sometimes even understands that daddy is being mean etc.

Part of it is also leaving my home. It makes me so sad. I know it sounds silly but this is the house we bought together, brought our baby home to, the house I have worked so so hard to make a home and for what?
He will refuse to leave. I can’t afford to stay on my own here anyway. But I also doubt he would afford to pay the mortgage on his own, I think I will have to go through a solicitor to force a sale of the house and it all seems so so daunting. I just keep asking myself why can’t I just have the straightforward family life/home I’ve tried so hard to keep. Why does he have to make shitty choices?

Because he is a shitty person. Remember that.

I know you probably have this fantasy of you 3 being a happy family unit but that will never happen with him, hes just the wrong person for you but on the bright side you got your son out of this.

One day when youre ready you will meet someone new who treats you with respect, who values you, who makes you feel wanted and special. This 'man' will never make you feel those things he wants to make you feel bad about yourself and worthless so he feels better about himself because hes a bad person who will never amount to anything in life, he cant even be arsed to care for his own child.

The best thing to do is force a sale of the house or let him buy you out and start fresh.

I can't explain how much your post resonates with me. My ex was exactly the same. Exactly the same. We were together 11 years and have an almost 4 year old son together.

I got to the point where I was completely numb to his behaviour. I didn't get angry, or sad. I carried on walking on eggshells, raising our son alone, explaining Daddy was tired when he slept all day as he'd been up all night gaming, drinking or doing who knows what.

We broke up on Christmas day. I snapped, and he said he didn't care if we were together or not and that he'd met someone else who was more 'chilled' and made him happier. He moved out boxing day. The first 2 weeks was hard. I grieved the fact he was not who I wanted him to be, stalked this other woman on social media and was just a mess. And then I realised, I was doing everything I was doing before. BUT I didn't worry about whether he'd blow up in the evening or if he'd even come home. I can't explain actually how much more peaceful it is now. For both me and our son.

I also feel sorry for any woman that ends up with him. That falls for his bullshit. That will be left with no self worth.

You. Are. Worth. More.