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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t stop sabotaging our relationship

25 replies

user1491228333 · 01/03/2019 14:11

I really need help! I’ve been going to counselling and hypnotherapy and I still can’t help hitting the big read button on our relationship.
I’ve been living with the best partner possible for four years, he can’t do anymore for me but every week or two a fuse blows in me and I create an argument over nothing. A red mist comes over, I say and do things I don’t mean. He forgives me time and again but I know that won’t last forever.
Does anyone know how to find the stop switch when you feel this happening?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 01/03/2019 14:18

This will utterly destroy your relationship and you need to stop it.
When your relationship is gone it's gone and you will regret it forever. Nobody puts up with this long term and it is basically rather immature and childish, not criticzing as I've been there
You MUST get this sorted, is it PMT, past trauma, depression, childhood issues?
I am very prone to this and I just leave the house when I feel like this and go for an hour long walk. I exhaust myself by walking/jogging and I am not fit.
My ex left after many years and we've recently got back together. there is nothing I wouldn't do to make sure this never happens again.
The time apart was agony and yes words hurt very badly. No man will put up with this forever.
Find a coping mechanism and do it. Counselling will not sort out all of your problems you have to take responsibility.
Recognise your triggers, bite your tongue and go out. Discuss this openly and honestly with your partner.

user1491228333 · 01/03/2019 14:48

Thank you, that is really helpful. I appreciate your comment on recognising the trigger and finding a distraction. I do take myself off to another room sometimes but it’s not enough to get me out of that place. I take full responsibility for my actions. I know the things that have happened to me in the past contribute but ultimately it is my doing and I need to correct it. I am so lucky to have gotten this far with him and I don’t want to blow it

OP posts:
Tennesseewhiskey · 01/03/2019 15:15

How do your family and friends deal with you when you do this to them?

Tennesseewhiskey · 01/03/2019 15:16

Or work colleagues?

Tennesseewhiskey · 01/03/2019 15:16

Or work colleagues?

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 01/03/2019 16:00

He needs to leave before the abuse gets worse. Free him and leave.

Redmeanies · 01/03/2019 16:01

What sort of things cause the fuse to blow?

Have you tried any CBT or mindfulness? They can be really helpful in terms of recognising negative thought processes and learning how to challenge them and stop reacting to triggers.

feralfanny · 01/03/2019 16:09

Counselling is the answer. Mindfulness and CBT will help you.
There is an app called STOPP which you can use which makes you take time out and question what you are doing.
It's helped me immensely.

Fidgety31 · 01/03/2019 16:18

I get like this at certain times of the month - definitely related to my cycle and hormones. I’m an absolute nightmare.
I make sure I don’t drink alcohol at those times as then I am a whole lot worse.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 01/03/2019 16:24

Are you me op??
I have an amazing dh at last and find it hard to forgive daft things and hold a grudge!!
What I found helps is picturing us in old age still together and doing more couples stuff! Life is busy and I sometimes don't stop and appreciate him as much as I should.
We always celebrate special dates and write heartfelt cards - to look back through when things seem bad - they never are - it's just my thoughts!

FlamingoFlamenco · 01/03/2019 16:26

When you feel this 'red mist' coming on, put yourself in his shoes and imagine how it would feel if you were on the receiving end of it. All the hurt and pain caused by those words, just awful.

Think about the damage you are doing - TO HIM.

StormTreader · 01/03/2019 16:36

There must be something triggering it - have you tried writing down the events around the last time? Really think about how you were feeling, not just when you started raging but beforehand as well - had you been thinking about something else earlier in the day? Did you wake up in a bad mood? Had other things irritated you/made you angry in the day? Did the rage start off as something else, frustration, sadness? Did it build or did your OH say some phrase or word that triggered a feeling of resentment or being stifled or not heard? However justified or not that reaction was, you have to recognise what it actually was to do anything about it.

These things don't come from nowhere, sometimes rage can be someone redirecting energy that you know should go somewhere that you don't really want it to go - knowing you should quit your job, or have a painful and nasty conversation with a parent or sibling about something, or even just being angry with yourself that you aren't as fit/healthy as you know you should be.

user1491228333 · 01/03/2019 17:26

Thanks all, I will re-read your messages and take some of this good advice.
He’s told me today he has prepared an exit strategy as he can’t take it anymore. I offered to leave last time but he just wants me to get help and get better. I guess I’ve blown it!

OP posts:
ButtMuncher · 01/03/2019 18:18

My ex used to do this. He would regularly self sabotage all sorts - fly into a rage, insult me and tell me how terrible I was, cause arguments and upset me greatly.

He was always sorry and begged me not to leave him once he realised he'd been out of order. He always cited his lack of self confidence as a reason for sabotaging, which I took at face value at time, and after a while I realised it was just because he was a total and utter arsehole who thought he could get away with behaving deplorably.

He was highly abusive and manipulative and I left him a month ago.

Thingsdogetbetter · 01/03/2019 18:43

Go to gp and get your hormones checked. Particularly prolactin. The red mist resonates with me and i had an easily fixed hormone issue, but was fobbed off by male doctors for years. It totally fucked up my first marraige and I felt out of control. Young woman doctor worked it out within one visit. Have your periods changed at all?

SandyY2K · 01/03/2019 22:44

I take it you don't do this with anyone else? You know that nobody else would accept it.

I wouldn't want a son of mine in a relationship like this.

Perhaps your DP watched the documentary the other week about Alex Speel. He was abused by his GF for years. It started with emotional abuse, then became physical.

Any man in a relationship like yours, who watched it would be making plans to leave.

I'm sure you're nothing near as bad as Alex's Ex, but your DP can't risk it.

mammoon · 01/03/2019 22:55

Hmmm. What do you mean about causing arguments over nothing? Is it really nothing? Or do you start off feeling that there is a genuine issue/hurt feeling/injustice and end up feeling like you've been irrational and sabotaging?

I ask because in my last relationship I've did exactly this, and only later did I come to realise that I was being emotionally abused and gaslighted. My partner would always "forgive" me, time after time, but made it clear that he thought I was crazy and creating problems out of nothing, and I believed him and blamed myself and be terrified of pushing him away.

This might not be what's going on with you. But unless you are like this with everyone, then I do wonder if there isn't a good reason for the arguments. Maybe a part of you knows something is wrong.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 02/03/2019 09:43

@mamoon - that's a dangerous position to advance. The OP has recognised that her anger is irrational and unjustified, but you're still trying to find a way to blame the victim of the abuse. Not cool.

OP, since the counselling and hypnotherapy aren't helping, you ought to see a doctor. There are personality disorders and other mental health conditions that can underlie this sort of behaviour, and it is worth getting a thorough medical review to see if you might have one of those.

However, I will be blunt with you. It seems that you are not blowing up like this with other people - just your partner. That means you can control it. You do control it whenever you are with somebody where there might be consequences - work, strangers, authority figures. You are therefore choosing not to control it with your partner. That is classic abusive behaviour. You abuse because you can, not because it is unavoidable.

Having been married to an abusive woman, my advice to your partner is to leave. And my advice to you is to let him go. Trust me when I tell you that your behaviour does immense harm to the person on the receiving end. You've shown that you "can't" (won't) manage your own behaviour, so to put a stop to this, the relationship needs to end.

Then I would strongly advise you to steer clear of other relationships until you've done a lot of work on yourself with a psychiatrist (a counsellor won't do the job here).

You've taken a step that many abusers never do, by recognising that your behaviour isn't okay. That's a start. But it only means something if you actually change the behaviour. Good luck with that. But please stop hurting somebody who doesn't deserve it, while you figure out how to address this.

user1491228333 · 02/03/2019 09:59

I agree there is no gaslighting going on here. I did consider this a while back in a bid to ensure I was the victim. I have booked an appointment with my doctor for next week. He has told me he is going to leave and I am dealing with that by giving him space to make his plans for the future.
It’s right that I’ve always had forgiveness and this is what has made me continue. I don’t do this to other people.
There are some underlying issues with previous relationship and parental relationships that I need to work through. I will seek all the help I can.

OP posts:
HeavensNoHellYeah · 02/03/2019 10:10

You are abusing him. My boyfriend does this to me. Your boyfriend will be living on edge in a state of pure panic. Poor guy

HeavensNoHellYeah · 02/03/2019 10:12

The fact you only do this to him is even worse. My boyfriend does it to everyone because he is mentally ill himself. I can't imagine being the only one targeted like this.

Also if you were a man admitting this level of emotional abuse here you'd be flamed.

Tennesseewhiskey · 02/03/2019 10:17

You are abusing him. You are an abuser.

You do it because you can. Because he kept letting you get away with it. It's not hormonal or red most or lack of control. Because you dont do it to others.

If you can control it with others, you could control it with him. But you dont, because you need to be in a position of control over him.

user1491228333 · 02/03/2019 10:27

I don’t disagree with any of your points

OP posts:
mammoon · 02/03/2019 10:44

that's a dangerous position to advance

I wasn't advancing a position. I was asking a question. I wasn't blaming the victim. I was trying to ascertain who the victim is. There wasn't a lot of info in the OP and I wanted to know more. So please don't make out that I was trying to victim blame. Having been the victim of repeated abuse myself, that's the last thing I would ever do.

ButtMuncher · 02/03/2019 11:21

My ex only ever did it to me. And his previous girlfriend, but mainly to me. Because I kept letting him get away with it. He was the nicest person at work, with friends, in a restaurant - but with me, he took everything out on me. He could control it, he just didn't want to. That's abuse.

He was the epitome of street angel, home devil. I suggest you let this man get on with his life and you seek help for why you continually sabotage. There will be a reason. At least you want to seek help for it. My ex claimed to want to do so too, and made motions, but then quit whenever someone told him he was 'fine' - mainly because he pulled the wool over everyone else's eyes.

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