How to respond to narcissistic ex

[Continuingvictim17]

Hi all.
I would really like some ideas of how to respond to my narcissistic ex.
Brief history is I was with my emotionally abusive ex for 4 years and I have two children with him who have contact with him 2 days a week.
It took a lot of strength for me to leave, (as his mind games and abuse left me very close to a nervous breakdown) but eventually I found the strength to file for divorce. He ignored all divorce papers and prolonged it for me, but eventually I got my divorce done.

Financially I got nothing in the divorce, as he’s on very “low income.” Child support he pays £30 a month in total for both kids. I know he works a lot more, but cash in hand, so difficult to prove.

Anyway, he’s got his new wife living with him now that the kids stayed with last week.
The only communication we have is through messaging and in a communication book.
I raised some issues about my 3 year old being kept in nappies in his care, when I recorded that she shouldn’t be, due to potty training. (They put a nappy on her when she was returned, so I wouldn’t know, but since contact she’s had accidents that she didn’t before).
The second issue was him bringing his new wife and nieces to handover of the children, when it is stated in a court order that is should only be him at handovers. (I regret not taking a photo of this)
The last issue was her being returned with makeup on and hair straightened that I felt was inappropriate for a 3 yr old who should instead be taught to value herself as she is. (This is the only claim i have proof of, as I took a photo of how she looked)

His response is:
“Firstly, can I start by saying it’s not morally correct to send your best friend a message at 12AM midnight let alone your ex-husband who is now happy married. So can I urge you to use the communication book for any form of communication and if any urgent messages are sent via SMS or WhatsApp (which is clearly not the case) to send them during working hours (8:30AM – 5:30PM) not at 12AM. But, if there’s is anything URGENT relating my kids health or anything else urgent which requires my immediate attention then off course you can contract me anytime even midnight.
Yet again, another pack of lies and false allegations and I don’t feel there is any need to response. However, I’ll seek advice from my solicitor and if a need to response I’ll write it down in the communication which is the method to communication.”

His gloating and not acknowledging any of the issues is so frustrating, so just wanted some advice on a response please.
Please note I’m not remotely interested in him or jealous, I’m just glad I’m out of there and pity his next victim.
As his control over me is no longer there, he uses the children as a weapon to get at me.

Even if the communication isn't, or can't be deemed as abusive or aggressive, don't respond unless there is a genuine question that needs answered

Ignore ignore ignore. He's trying to goad you into responding. If you don't respond you don't give him any power. Imagine how pissed off he will be if you ignore him, if it helps :)

I was with a narc.

Every time you respond you are feeding into his need for "supply"

Don't use emotive language, don't communicate unless you really need to and then be very bland. On drop off, no emotion, no eye contact.

Grey rock method, be boring.

I am sorry about the toilet training, a narc's lack of a sense of consequence is breath taking as is their entitlement to act without responsibility.

If she is starting in September do you have a two week window in the holidays (maybe you have holiday planned or maybe he does) where you can nail it with her so she can go back to the idiots house without needed them at all?

As an adult I was no match for him, so they have no issue overpowering a tiny 3 year old unfortunately.

And this is why you need to fight tooth and (uncut) nail :) to reduce the contact he has with them to as little as possible

Everything you put in the book, photograph it. So that if it goes missing, you have a record, any comment he writes, ditto.

Do not text him at midnight, that is fucking insane and it shows him you have nothing else going on in your life, that you’re thinking about him and are angry and bitter.

The comment you wanted to make about the funeral was all driven by bitterness and emotions. What he does/doesn’t do wrt family matters is nothing to do with you anymore. The less he sees them, the better for them!

You have to let go and not care at all. Use the book and make it show him up for the twat he is.

Keep putting in the book that the kids need to do their teeth every day, no nappies, and not fed solely on burgers and chips as it’s not balanced enough to be as frequently given as it is.

“Please remind both dc to do their teeth every day”

The other option you have is to suspend contact until you have got dd potty trained

If you have to go back to court to adjust the order, then do it.

I have a narcissistic exH myself and the best advice I can give is that it will annoy him the most if you simply ignore him.

I expect him to be a dick and to always put himself first so it's never a surprise when he's got 'work' (in reality something social that he wants to do) which prevents him having our younger daughter when he's supposed to. Both of my girls (much older than yours so I accept it's easier) know what a wanker he is. The eldest has chosen to go NC with him.

I never ask him to do anything important and always have a back up plan for when I need him to have her as I know he will be awkward. I also make a point of not replying to his messages straight away as that gives me the control not him (he's been known to text a second time asking me to reply which really grates on his nerves). I will add that it's never anything important when I delay just more of his self important drivel

I actually find his pompous texts quite funny now as well as his delusion that I give a flying fuck for him or his new life. I would say that I had psychotherapy when we first separated and his abusive behaviour was at the highest and found it invaluable in stopping myself caring or reacting to his abuse. Worth thinking about if you can get some counselling.

The potty training thing is annoying... but what is the worst that will happen?

She sill start school not potty trained.

With any luck questions will be asked. You will have proof it is him deliberately ballsing it up. He will look a twat. Whic will be a Lovely Dent in his ego.

Write in the communication book. Photograph each entry and as it comes back.

He is going to look a loon for ripping bits out.

Comments like ‘she needs her nails cut‘ are an utter gift. It makes him look like a controlling dick who CBA to do basic stuff, but will expend energy being petty about it.

At the moment you are still in the mindset of falling in line with him. Step back and think of the long term outcome.

Shrug and led him dig his own deep hole.

Great advice on here. I send you as I know how hard it is x

In the nicest possible way, his latest petty controls are, well, petty. They are small fry.
You can't afford to get wound up over petty stuff.

If you're wound up that the control is still going then I do understand how devastating this is at first. Unfortunately the control will never stop, you can be sure of that. In a way it's the only constant you can absolutely rely on, a permanent.

You can NEVER rely on him, or expect him to be fair, or to grow up or mature (he never will). Things will never get better. The truth is he will continue to punish you (for ever) for leaving him - without his permission.

He is posturing with his new wife poor cow sneering at you, putting you down, undoing your work as a parent. Of course he doesn't care about the kids - he doesn't care about anyone at all except himself. It will ALWAYS be thus.

There will be no peace, no calm after the storm, no resignation or maturing. That's just not going to happen.

As a pp said you must do everything you can to separate your kids from him. Use every underhand tactic, be canny and wiley and wise. You can do it girl. Do it for your kids, to keep them safe (you said he destroyed you - he'll do the same to the kids).

I found asking for the opposite of what I wanted did the trick - worked every time. Eg in the book you say you are going away with friends on the days he has contact. He will cancel contact on some transparently flimsy excuse to goad you. Yay for the kids!

You're on your own here. You're not coparenting. You have to find a way of shaking off the beast.

Just a word of warning courts ignore stuff like nails and potty training unless you are clever enough to wrap it up to show it is part of the abuse aimed at you. They will put it down to different parenting styles especially if he can come up with a reasonable sounding excuse of why he has done/not done something.

From now on leave a minimum of 24 hours to answer any messages from him. Only send messages to him between 9am-9pm unless it's about one of your children going into hospital. Keep your messages factual. Ask yourself if every message he sends requires a reply. Some messages he will send you are just to wind you up and engage you in an argument/to ensure he has the last word to enable him to control you.

Also if you do something stupid like send a late night message unfortunately you are going to have to send a faux apology with next message where you have to contact him.

Doing all this will piss him off but your aim is if you have to ever go back to court you can show yourself as being the completely reasonable adult with your children's best interests as the priority in everything you do.

Also don't just reduce contact like RevealTheLegend said or go back to court to do it as that's what he wants. It is in his interests to engage you repeatedly in the court system as that gives him attention. Use underhand methods to do it like springdaff said as abusers tend to give themselves enough rope to hang themselves.

My exh isn't a narc I don't think however a lot of contact was turning into a slanging match. Me pointing out the dc were upset the he went to Australia for a month and got married without them = I'm bitter and jealous . Questions about money = I'm greedy.

The most effective thing I've learnt is to ignore. I only answer in factual sentences if I have to. Nothing personal as it's like taking to a wall. Luckily mine are 14 & 15 so I let them talk to him instead.

I'd say choose your battles very carefully. Grey rock seems to be the best approach to this man. I'd ignore the hair & makeup, the nappy is tricky but your Dd will soon grow out of it naturally. It's very hard op but just be factual.

You need to 'grey rock' super humanly.

Don't get into arguments or defend yourself. Ignore any jibes and his "instructions" via the communications book: just use it for what it's for. (You can acknowledge that what he's saying is fucking annoying and unfair privately, but never give him the satisfaction by rising to it.) Facts, nothing emotive, nothing he can turn back on you.

Don't text him, that was a mistake. Photograph/photocopy the book every time.

Give him nothing back to work with. He has infinite energy for this shit, you do not. Your best bet is to be so boring and feed him so little reaction he loses interest. I know what he's doing to your dd is awful, but all you can do is be her normal and stable and safe place.

Yep- I came on to say Grey Rock too!

Thank you all for all your great advice and support! 🌷🌸
I researched going grey rock, which was very informative, but I think I’m still learning when to go grey rock and when to give a response, which you’ve all helped with massively.
It is insanely difficult to practice, but I guess I will have to just try my best.
The kids were elated to not have to go this week, so we’ve had fun!