Abusive husband makes me feel so useless

[Leonard123]

Hi I’m new to this so bare with me I hope Iv done this right
Iv been married for 10 years I have 3 children who I love more than anything they are my life but my husband on the other hand is not when I first met him he was the loveliest person you would ever meet until then things started getting controlling but at the time I was young and silly and thought it was because he loved me he would always be over protective and always correct my opinions or control my money at the time I had a good job I was earning a good amount I saved a nice bit barring in mind I was 16 (got married at 17) but then slowly my savings were gone then when I got married to now all he does is put me down he’s hit me blacked my eyes up threw a whole can of Coke and hit my stomach the day before I had my daughter he controls my life he always puts my family down he even talks horrible about my dad who I lost 6 years ago I no people are going to think what the hell are you with him for and the answer is I have 3 children oldest 9 he is a ok dad to the children love him but he doesn’t have no time for me or the children every thing is about him and what he wants to do i don’t ask for nothing I always get what me and my kids want my self I have to hide money otherwise we wouldn’t have what we have he tells me I’m fat and I’m useless it puts me down and makes me feel like shit I was a size 10 when I met him I’m now a 14 I cook I clean I look after him and 3 children I don’t look after my self no more I haven’t got the motivation or the time . But getting back to him he really doesnt care the o lay Time he wants to no me is in bed any other time I’m literally white noise he doesn’t want to no me we don’t talk can’t remember the last time we all went out any we’re but if he’s mum and dad ask for any thing he’s there like a shot I feel so lonely I don’t have hardly any friends no more I lost most of them when I got with him I’m so scared to say anything I don’t like when he gets upset incase he hurts my family I don’t have no one to talk to I don’t like talking to my mum I don’t want her to worry but I think she has some sort of idea how he treats me I never get 5 mins literally to my self to bath or wash my hair it’s only if I stay up until all the kids are asleep and the house is clean then I can get me time I no I sound so selfish but I don’t mean to be I’m a loving person and have a lot of love to give to him but he’s just a nasty peice if work there is no way of me leaving at all I have no we’re to go he won’t leave and I can’t because of my baby’s its got to the point we’re we have separate life’s unless I get him upset with something I do then he feels the need to threaten me or throw things at me ect all I do is cry I suffer with depression serverly so doing normal things is a big struggle but my house is always clean and my kids are always washed fed and happy as they can be I just wish me bad my children were a million miles away or that he was different. I had a nervous break down and he still didn’t care he was gone every night with he’s friends if it wasn’t for me ya mum I don’t no we’re I would be now I’m so resentful towards him it hurts me so bad the way I get treated but as long as it’s me and not my kids or family being treated like it I’m ok I guess Iv got used to it sorry for the long message I just needed to let it all out 😣

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. You have infact taken a first and important step out of this dysfunctional relationship by writing about it on here.

These children do not love him so much as fear him and tiptoe around him so as to try not to anger or otherwise rile him. You cannot and must not use them as a reason to stay with your abusive husband. This is no life for them or for you either; you are all treading on eggshells here.

You are married so you have legal rights here. You can divorce your abuser and ultimately live a life free of his abuses of you all. He is the root cause of your depression and unhappiness and these children are seeing you as their mum being abused on a daily basis. They are seeing this at first hand and will be affected by their dad abusing you as their mum.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?.

Where is your own support here; can you reach out to your GP or contact Womens Aid here?. Your mum likely has some idea of what your H is like, can you open up to her some more. You and this man need to be apart before you are all further dragged down with him.

Your own recovery from his abuse will take time, perhaps years, and will only properly start when you are completely away from him. Your children need a life free of abuse too, this is no relationship model to be showing them.

This is who he is, he is not going to change.

You've had a truly awful time OP.
It's time to get away from this and save yourself and your DC.
Google 'the cycle of abuse'.
Your DC will become victims of abuse, like you - or they will be become abusers, like your DH.
Social services consider keeping children in abusive households as abuse to the children.

If you want some help leaving then please do contact Social Services.
Also contact Womens Aid as soon as you can - 0808 2000 247.
They are busy so you will need to keep trying.
Do you have any family you can call on for support?
I'm assuming (hopefully wrongly) that your upbringing wasn't particularly great? Which could be why you are where you are now.
But if you do have a loving supportive family then please tell them everything.

I had the best mum and dad any one could wish for really good upbringing but my kids are always safe and healthy if I was worried for them I wouldn’t still be here it’s my marriage that’s horrible not anything else

Your abusive marriage is affecting your children, do not at all think that they are not being affected here. As they get older they will become more aware of what is happening to you at home. I do not doubt that they are safe and healthy with you but you have to see the bigger picture here. Your children are being emotionally harmed by seeing their dad abuse you as their mum.

My lovely, you and your children deserve more than this. Your situation is not right and is harmful for all of you. What do you need to help you change things? There's lots of people with experience on here, ask anything you want to.

I just needed to let it all out that’s all 😒I no I’m not the only one in this situation but I feel so alone I’m not one to tell family and friends (the little I have) my problems like I said I’m happy I found this to let it out

If that's what you can manage at the moment then keep talking. There is lots of support on here. And if you do get to the point you want things to change, people will offer so much advice and support for practical steps you can take.

Thank you for you kind words

I’m just hoping and wishing one day it will be different maybe it’s just wishful thinking but I’m gonna try hard to get my life back I’m trying so hard with my relationship if I tried this hard at anything else I could of been anything i wanted to be

I agree with the other posters here. You cannot and must not stay in this situation for the sake of the children. Your children are actually being emotionally damaged by what is happening. The fact that he's allowing your children to witness these things proves that he's not a good father because he is damaging them and teaching them to believe that this behaviour is okay because you are accepting it. You must get out to give your kids a better life. They are at risk of repeating this behaviour in their own relationships. How would you feel if your son behaved like this when he's older and what if your daughter met someone who treated her this way. It would break your heart to see her being abused and not walking away. Don't tell him your leaving because men like this are unpredictable and you need to think about your safety. Contact women's aid for advice on how to leave.

You can get your life back but sadly it won't be with him.

Most likely he was showing you something good at the start to win you over and that was not his true personality.Many stay in this situation because they are hoping to see the personality that was there in the beginning of the relationship when they first met but in reality It never really existed.

Keep posting op. There is so much great support on here. The women of MN are rooting for you and your DC.

OP, I have witnessed a close friend of mine suffering for years at the hands of a manipulative, control freak. He has undermined her confidence and driven her to mental breakdown, twice. After 20 years she's had enough and is about to start divorce proceedings. She is already feeling brighter and more confident about her future, despite knowing the divorce will probably be a messy one. I really hope you can seek the help you need to get rid of your husband - he sounds like a nasty selfish man who is only nice to you when he wants sex. You and your children deserve better.
Contact the various helplines and organisations listed by others, open up to your GP and anyone in your life who has sympathy and might be able to offer you support. I think due to your children being so young there's a strong chance you could force your husband to leave, then change the locks and seek some kind of court order/injunction against him if he becomes a nuisance. Moneywise it's bound to be tough, but it sounds like he's keeping you on the breadline anyway, while funding nights out with his friends. Surely living off benefits/maintenance can't be any worse than what you're going through now? Good luck, keep posting here, you are not alone.

Thank you it’s just very hard I’m forever on egg shells for a long time i feel like I’m doing something wrong but realise that I can’t be wrong all the time 🤷🏽‍♀️