DP's ex visiting

[Flyhighmypretties]

Have name changed.

I'm in a long term relationship with someone who lives overseas. We've spent a lot of time together and due to his job he can visit for months at a time. Hoping to get married at some point.

DP has an 8yo child with his ex wife, who lives in another country. They get on well. I've met both his child and his ex wife when we went on holiday there once. His ex seems nice and was very hospitable to me. She remarried a few years ago and has a toddler with the new husband. DP has told me that his ex and her husband have been talking divorce recently although it's all gone quiet again. He (the new husband) seems like a douchebag and nobody had a good word to say about him when we were over there.

Anyway, plans were afoot for the child to visit my DP in the future. Passport forms were filled out and my DP gave the impression that his kid would be travelling as an unaccompanied minor.

However, tonight a mutual friend of all of us told me that she's hoping to travel to DP's country with his kid and ex wife and they'll all be staying at his house! I was quite surprised and told her that I was given the impression that the child was going alone. But no it seems that the mother is going too. Which is fair enough, it's a long journey, only nobody told me that.

I guess I just feel left out in the dark. Although from what our friend was saying perhaps my DP didn't know his ex was visiting either. Maybe the original plan was for the child to travel alone and now the mother has decided to go too, and invited the friend along as well. I don't know, I've not said anything to my DP yet.

I don't think that anything would happen between them. I just feel a bit weirded out. They're going to be over there playing happy families while I'm stuck here. I'm going over there soon but it won't be the same time that they visit.

Part of me also wonders if the ex wife is a bit manipulative and this is also a bit of power play. She did cheat on my DP when they were married. I'm not sure what to feel really. I felt a bit queasy after the friend told me about these plans.

Am I being silly in feeling a bit off about this situation? It's not so much the fact that she's going it's that I was lead to believe that the kid was travelling alone and suddenly I've had this surprise sprung on me. I guess at least this is a "welcome to step parenthood" type situation.

my DP gave the impression that his kid would be travelling as an unaccompanied minor.

Travelling as an UM means the parent has to check him/her in, fill out a form with contact information and the same at the other end for those picking him up. This is done when booking the flight. As it should!

Did he do that? Or just "give the impression"?

Going to South Africa you even need the birth certificate nowadays.

only nobody told me that.

You cannot depend on other people to "tell you things" that impact your life. Including family or friends, or especially! those who do not have your best interests at heart!

Get googling, find out information, talk to others, get wise,

Best of luck!

Thanks for the info. I didn't realise that you had to book flights at the same time when you arrange for the child to fly unaccompanied. I assumed you dealt with some paperwork then notified about specific details later. But I've no idea about this stuff.

No flights have been booked yet. He didn't actually come out and say about the unaccompanied minor thing just that the kid might visit. He filled out some form for a passport back when we visited. Then he told me a few weeks ago that he'd been filling out some other form so his child could visit. He might have mentioned having to pay for it too. No idea what that form was but that's what made me think the child was going there alone. Then recently he told me that his ex had "lost the form". So maybe this is why she's now going too? Too much hassle to arrange another form? Just speculation here.

You don't mention the countries involved here, for obvious reasons, BUT the mention of South Africa by the PP reminded me that there they have some quite strict rules on children travelling in and out of the country with just one parent / neither parent. These rules were brought in a few years ago to combat the surge in child trafficking. If your partner or his ex lives in South Africa there's a bunch of extra paperwork for them to fill out: up to date info can be found in their Immig section. It might be this that has made them decide it is best the ex accompanies the child. FWIW, and I say this as someone who has lived all over the world, and travelled many times as an UM when younger, I would be very circumspect about allowing a child to travel as an UM to certain destinations. This may explain the change of plan.

....and just to add, if it isn't RSA, other countries will have similar systems in place !

An 8 yo travelling long haul alone? How bizarre. If I was exw I'd be accompanying the child too!
But then that's me.
I don't know what any of you are thinking of.
If I did accompany a child to see their df I'd probably invite a friend too so the child and DF could get space together.
Am I reading this wrongly?

Not silly at all! It’s good they have an amicable relationship for their child but does the ex really need to stay with your DP? I’d be talking to him straight away to see what exactly is planned.

It's not SA or anywhere notorious for child trafficking or anything. But I can see why the mother would want to go. It's just a bit shit finding this out from someone else.

I get the impression that he didn't know about the friend going at least, maybe she's just invited herself along. Thing is he's on the spectrum and can't handle being around people much, he likes it quiet at home. So I can imagine he's going to hate having them over, although he'd have said yes because he felt obligated.

Yes the staying with him is a bit weird, I guess it's saving money but still. He's never stayed at their house when he visits, he said it would be weird for her husband! Her husband didn't want us staying with them either when we visited. And yet his ex wife is planning on staying at his.