Should I date someone else to stop feeling sad about my ex?

[Eesha]

Hi,

Split with ex last year, alcoholic and tended to be abusive when drunk. We have had ups and downs since but managed to stay friendly for the kids. I know I never want him back because I continue to see signs of his temper etc. He immediately started dating and all fell for him deeply.

Fast forward to now, caught sight of message on his phone when he came over which popped up, with gf professing her love for him. I felt sad, just the idea he is with others and they all seem besotted. I was quite happy alone, occasionally going on an online date but I'm wondering whether to actively pursue dating to stop feeling sad about ex? I don't want him back but I feel sick at the thought of him with others.

No. Process feelings instead of burying them.

Time is a great healer. If you feel ready for dating then go for it. But you need to be in the right place.

My ex left me 14 months ago. I did old. Three times and I wasn't ready.

But I do think it is part of the healing process that you know you can move on.

As for your ex. You know what they are like and anyone new will be getting him on his best behaviour. My ex has been with ow since he left. She hasn't won any prize. But I know how much it hurts.

Of course, go dating. Also: go to the theatre, for walks, for coffee with friends, for a run on the beach, horse riding, pub lunches, tennis lessons.

LIVE.

I disagree with people dating when they aren't ready. It's potentially unfair on the people you may date. Go out and enjoy things but wait to date.

@ShatnersWig Hi i'm ready but I don't meet anyone I feel like there will be potential with. However I hardly swipe as just busy with other things. I was wondering whether really what's the best way to not feel sad about exes anymore

As above person said time is the best healer. In the mean time keep busy, do things you enjoy. See friends, go out for lunches/dinner together, visit somewhere new, experience something new, find a new hobbie, just enjoy life. And I think it's ok to date people even if you don't end up in a relationship you might meet a good friend. I've been there, and pretty much everyone has. Enjoy this time being single, loving yourself and enjoying your life and you'll meet the right person for you eventually x

I guess I feel like if I had a partner, it would hurt less.

Please don't use another human being as a bandage for your pain.

How long were you with the ex? Someone once told me that for every year you were together, it would take 2 months to heal. So if you were together 10 years then as a yardstick you "ought" to feel over it and ready to move on after 20 months apart.

Of course that varies for everyone. I was with my H for 6 years but after I left I didn't date again for 4 years. I have friend who've come out of 10 year marriages and been dating again in 6 months, by all accounts successfully.

If you're not prioritising your dating, could that be confirmation that you're not ready yet?

Can you concentrate on strengthening friendships and activities more - which will also make you more "datable" when you do feel ready.

@NotTheFordType I just think I went on a few dates but nothing where I felt a connection so put it aside and focussed on myself. I was honestly fine doing my own thing till I saw the message and it was just this big pang of sadness and made me feel like he has these women besotted with him and I'm just pottering on my own.

Guess it differs person to person but I would say that you need time to yourself in order to heal and that if you don't go through the pain you end up carrying it into your next relationship. Also time really does heal, I never thought I would get over my ex and would never feel that connection with anyone else but 6 months after I suddenly stopped thinking about my ex and wondering what they are up to (it's almost like a light-switch), I was able to enjoy meeting other people and met two people who I definitely had a connection with so it is possible - it was just a shame that the two people I did meet weren't over their ex's so strung me along only to dump me when they realised this.

If you find time isn't helping then therapy is probably a better option in order to work through your feelings.

Also you aren't emotionally available and essentially use someone by being on the rebound.

I guess I feel like if I had a partner, it would hurt less.

I found it hurt more as I ended up comparing the other person to my ex and missing them more.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Healed people, heal people.

@richdeniro thanks Rich, good advice. I think because I have children with him, he is always in my life. He doesn't rub in the fact he is dating, it just cuts me to know it and to know she is besotted.

@ Dinky123 brilliant advice, ill always remember that now

I agree with @NotTheFordType no-one can make you feel better and it's a bad start to a relationship. What about just making some new friends through a group or volunteering?

@richdeniro I remmeber you from the other threads, you sound so much better, really glad for you. :)

*remember I mean lol I also typed friends instead of threads before I edited that, threads are friends :D

In a word, no.

If you don't give yourself time to reflect and grieve, you bring your inability to deal with yourself to your next relationship in the hope that they will sort your life out for you. Do it the other way around, and you'll be a more rounded person to be with - and you'll probably choose a more rounded person to be with too.

I am in a very similar situation and its so hard.

I miss the wonderful him, the loving him, the sexy him, the caring him. I dont miss the lying him, the cheating him, the abusive him.

I know that right now another woman is getting the wonderful version of him and that really hurts. However, I also know that what she is getting isnt the real him, its a lie. The real him is hidden and it will show itself eventually when he cheats on her, as he will. He finally admitted to me that has never been faithful to anyone his whole life. She will know my pain.

I am waiting to heal from him before I date. I get your pain, I feel it too but I am waiting. Take care xx

@PyongyangKipperbang thank you for your words. Weirdly I spoke to my ex today and he was completely drunk and this reminded me why we weren't together. I think when he is nice, I feel sad at what was lost but actually in my reality, he is an alcoholic regardless of how many women fall for him now. Made me think I should always remember him for how he was today rather than the nicer times.