I need to hear “I love you”

[RizzoRed]

Hello, I’m looking for some advice or reassurance. My partner and I have been together for just short of three years, we don’t live together yet but have spoken loosely about it (whose sofa we’d keep, which town we could live in etc). We have fun, share interests, spend a considerable amount of time together and with each other’s families. I know, it’s all good, but he’s never told me that he loves me. I’ve told him three times that I love him, he either just continues with a conversation, looks a bit awkward, which is better than the first time when he asked if I was sure. Am I being unreasonable that I would expect him to either tell me that he does love me, or maybe he really doesn’t. I don’t make a grand gesture to tell him either, it’s more when we’re having a romantic snuggle in bed. It probably shouldn’t, but it’s annoying me now and I think about it on almost a daily basis. What should I do?

Thank you

I'd instigate a proper conversation about the future as opposed to vague chatter about sofas. It's reasonable to do this after three years. I'm not saying that if he loves you he'll live with you (plenty of genuinely loving couples don't cohabit) but it will form the basis of a discussion about the next steps and about his feelinngs for you.

I think you should have a chat with him. He sounds a bit like me though, I never say it and can't bring myself to either. It just feels really awkward and cringey! I've thought about it before and I think it's a mix of being overly self aware and just how I was raised

Does he have problems with expressing his emotions, and naming his feelings in general? If so it would be north discussing this, and finding out if he wants to decelythese skills.
If you would like to have a family with this person in the future, these sort of problems will become harder to work around.

*worth.
*develop
Sorry

He does struggle to show his emotional side, stuff upper lip and all that. I don’t expect non stop romance or huge declarations of love, just three little words to be sure that he does feel it

Have you read about the five love languages? People prefer to show and receive love in different ways - for you, words of affirmation are clearly important, but perhaps he prefers to show you his love by doing jobs for you, or by giving you a back massage?

If he has never been comfortable saying those words to anyone, it may just be that he’d rather show you with his actions instead. (I never said it to my parents and they very rarely said it to me as a child, even though I knew they did love me! I still feel a bit odd saying it to my own DCs to be fair, but they say it to me all the time!!)

If he’s otherwise loving then don’t let this become the most important thing - but maybe have a read around the love languages thing (The Gottman Institute have some great resources to get you talking to each other).

I was in the same situation but it was about 15 months in. I's told him I loved him about the six month mark and got a similar response to yours.

Anyway, I didn't have nearly as much patience as you, so when we were talking about the future and moving in etc, it made me question things and I randomly instigated a conversation, it was genuine and not intended to be manipulative but it ended well for me!

I said that although I was really happy to be talking like this, it also felt a bit odd because I didn't want to be making future plans unless we were both really sure about how we felt about each other.

He asked what I meant and I said that I'd recently been thinking we might be getting to the point that if he didn't love me by now, he probably was never going to. I knew he loved being with me, we got got on great but sometimes I worried that this lovely little relationship was nice and safe and cosy for him and that wasn't enough for me. I wanted to be in something where we both really love each other. I didn't want to be making future plans with someone who wasn't inlove with me. And he should want to make future plans with someone he really loves.

Him: what makes you think I don't love you?
Me: because you've never said it
Him: I didn't realise you needed to hear it, I try to show you quite a lot.
Then went on to give a few weird (in my book) explanations about why he found it difficult to say.

Anyway, after that we started saying it more and more. Now we say it several times a day. We are living together and getting married.

To sum up, talk to him. After 3 years, I think you have every reason to want to know how he feels. I bet he does love you.

He is who he is. Don’t try and change him

It's fair enough that he's not that sort of person but after 3 years I'd want something Do you at least get a Valentine's card?

I'd also want something more concrete about a future rather than vague chats about a sofa, you need to talk to him about plans for the future.

It'd be nice to hear it from a partner of 3 years. It sounds reassuring and lovely to hear those words when they're meant . The good thing is, he shows/ expresses it. Hopefully, one day he says it.

People say they love you as they cheat/walk out...feeling and being loved is so much more important than being told. I know it must be frustrating for you though

if he struggles to show his emotional side then that's the problem, not that he doesn't love you. Maybe nobody ever said it to him while he was growing up, were his parents quite distant from him?

just three little words to be sure that he does feel it

Whilst I totally get that him actually saying the words is important to you -- remember that words are so cheap and actions speak way louder , every time

I'd much prefer a kind caring considerate man who never said I love you than a narcissist who love bombed

I appreciate I've polarised this - but you take my point?

@RizzoRed....people are different and as previous poster says, there are different languages of love. However, look at the title of your thread...I need to heard love you....therein lies the problem. You need it, he can't give it. I was exactly like you and ended up very unhappy and splitting after 23 years. He's not wrong and you right but you have different needs. It might seem petty but it is a reflection of deeper issues.
I would end it now and then yoy can meet someone different who can fulfil your needs.

I personally would need to hear him say it, and after three years he must know by now whether he loves you.

I agree with the love languages concept mentioned above - my language is definitely words, whereas DH's is actions (the others are touch, time together and gifts).

But it's a two-way street. The point of learning about the love languages is, yes, to understand that your partner may express his love for you in a different way to the one you express it, but also to adapt your own behaviour to respond to your partner's language.

OP, if hearing those three little words is important to you there's no shame in that. And if your partner can't do this for you after three years together then it's time to think seriously about your future. But you must talk to him first - he may not realise how important this is to you.

I’m not an I love you kind of person I must admit and I prefer to see someone show it by what they do, not what they say.