Not coping dont know where to turn

[clairexx78]

so ive been with my oh 22 years we have 4 kids together 3 boy's 20,18,15 and my little girl is 5,it hasnt been an easy 22 years but ive made sure the family is kept together,anyway 3 years ago my oh was diagnosed with kidney failure which was a shock to us all,eventually the beginning of this year he got a live kidney doner..amazing..well you would of thought so,he has always been a drinker quite heavy to be fair,but i thought this would be a wake up call,a second chance but no hes smoking again and back to drinking everyday,i worried out of my mind and so are our boy's,he wont have any of it that hes got to look after himself but hes past caring,i think hes being selfish after all that has happened im so angry and scared am i over reacting he only had this done January im at my wits end....😔😥

OH that is horrible for you, first you thought you may lose him, then the elation of the donor, now he is damging hiomself, which is quite selfish as someone else could have benefitted from the Kidney!

Have you told him this?

If so there is nothing you can do other than distance yourself emotionally and look after yourself well and your family....very tough op l am sorry.

yeah ive told him.over and over how i feel and the boys,said he doesn't deserve that kidney hes just not giving a crap about anyone,i distanced myself before but we got close and i let my guard down,now im just a mess i cant stop crying and worrying im driving myself mad, your right my kids are the ones i need to focus on if he wants to go back on dialysis due to a failed transplant then that's his loss.hes a very selfish man...thanks for the reply

Please stop inflicting this alcoholic on your DC.
It's just not fair on them.
Watching him like this must be mental torture for them.

For you - please find a local Al-Anon meeting. They can help you with all this.
But ultimately, you need to get out of that environment.
And so do your DC!

YOU didn't Cause this
YOU can't Control this
YOU can't Cure this

My husband is also a drinker. He has epileptic fits (medicated now though) and the seizures made him come to his senses for all of one week. I recently showed him a alcohol withdrawal video I found on YouTube and something clicked. He's giving up but due to potentially fatal seizures it's a slow process. I know how you feel with being on edge and scared constantly about husband's health and it SUCKS. It's made my anxiety 100 times worse. My husband is also with a drug and alcohol support team but they can't help you unless you want help yourself. Sorry I don't have any fabulous advice. Just thought I'd share, you're not alone.

he's addicted and he needs to get professional help. Without it he will do nothing to change. Alcoholics are unable to put their feelings for their loved ones before the need to drink. I'm sorry but the only thing that will help is him getting the help he needs and he will need to stick with it too. He won't want to and he will say he doesn't care, but that's the addiction making him unable. He needs to get cleaned up properly and make positive changes in his life before he will put you or your kids first.

Once someone presses the self destruct button, there is no going back.

All you can control is whether or not he takes you and your DC down with him.

thanks for the reply,my anxiety is the same and i agree if they want to stop they've got to want to stop for themselves, he wont change if i keep going on at him ,so ive took a step back as hard as it is,glad im not alone.

It just seems terrible to me that a live donor has agreed to have one of their own healthy kidneys removed to be given to someone who cannot be bothered to take even the most basic steps to look after their health. Was the donor a relative? Could they influence your DH? It sounds as though you have done as much as you can.

no the donor was a stranger,i agree with and told him he doesn't deserve that kidney,the more i go on at him the more he goes the opposite way so im just going to leave him sort his own head out hes got to go see a counsellor on monday and im sure his depression tablets arent as affective anymore im just hoping this is a blip he was a changed man after he had the kidney,dont know what went wrong.