I think there's something wrong with me.
I'm in a new relationship. He's lovely, extremely kind, caring etc. I thought I wanted this. But I'm panicking inside.
I left an abusive relationship about 3 years ago and haven't managed a good one since. I had severe ptsd but recovered from the main symptoms last year.
I crave a relationship where I have someone to share intimacy with, talk, all of that. But it seems as soon as I get one I'm looking for the escape. I'm terrified of someone getting close to me and me being vulnerable. I don't know how to respond to kindness and romance.
I get huge feelings of confusion, guilt about not being good enough, resentment over sharing my time and space, defensive over my own autonomy and panic about obligation. I feel like I have to test the boundaries so I know how they react. I feel like I have to push them away, so I know I'm capable.
He wants to stay overnight and spend the weekend with me but I'm scared I'll have a traumatic reaction like the last time, over a year ago, where I shut down and need him out of my house.
It's almost like I crave the release of being able to free myself again, even though I have none of these feelings when I'm single and genuinely want someone to share life with. Then I get a relationship and bang it hits me.
It's like a car crash in slow motion and I don't want to hurt anyone. I feel trapped and confused, stuck in a mental battle.
I don't know what to do.. talk to him about it? I don't want to hurt him. I want it to work